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darkland8
05-19-2009, 12:33 AM
I'm new here and so i felt the best way for me to really jump in was to show some of my stuff. It's a nice and easy way to meet people and it helps show who i really am... kinda =p but ya here's my story Caliber:Shattered_Tears. I only have part 1 & 2 done for chapter one, but i really don't feel like i can move forward because i feel that it's total crap. Unfortunately i have no clue what to do... ya writers block =p

----
I always wondered why I was alive. What was I born for? What is it that I am supposed to accomplish? Or is my life totally meaningless? These are tings I always wondered. I always prayed that I would find an answer, but deep down inside I knew that none would come. Even so I never stopped praying, or searching for that answer. The answer that would give meaning to my meaningless life.

* * *


It was quite a typical day. The sun shown high above the clear baby blue sky. A light breeze blew the loose leave of the trees. The leaves danced around as they fell slowly to the ground. It was another typical, beautiful day.

I combed my hand through my long uncombed hair yawning as I stumbled slowly to school. Like every morning I battled against my common sense as a attempted to force myself to turn around and head home. And just like every other morning it was a battle that I was to inevitably lose, just like a lone peasant standing up to fight against an army armed with guns, swords, and magicians. I sighed as I raised the white flag in my mind declaring my loss.

“Ahh, this is stupid. I should just turn back. It's not like there is anything important going on...”

Suddenly at that moment a had graped my right shoulder and and a tall lean blond girl appeared from behind me.

“Last time I checked mid-terms weren't something 'not that important' Nasta. If you keep acting like this you'll never graduate.”

Great, just what I need. Of all people to see while walking to school it had to be her! I thought as I sighed to myself.

“What do you want Saya? I'm really not in the mood for your 'you better clean up your act' talk today. Anyways whatever I do is none of your business. Your not my sister or anything.”

“Is that any way to treat your childhood friend? We've known each other since we were two, we use to take bath together when we were little we're practically brother and sister! Plus I promised your mom that I would look after you while she's in the hospital, and I'm planing on keeping that promise. I don't take my promises lightly like some people do.”

I scowled as she borough up my mother. Saya always knew how to press my buttons and what buttons to press to get the most reaction out of me.

“I'm here aren't I? It's not like I'm ditching or anything. I'd never do anything to hurt mom...”

My last sentence trailed of onto a faint nearly inaudible whisper as my mixed feeling for my ill mother started to wash over me. Suddenly Saya slapped my back as hard as she could, I stumbled forward several feet nearly falling onto a group of three girls from my school. They girls shrieked as moved out of my way as I tumbled toward the cold hard cement ground, landing with a dull thud face first. I leaped up just as suddenly as I fell and turned to Saya who was now standing directly behind me. She was laughing so hard it was a miracle that she could even stay standing.

“What the **** was that? Are you trying to frikin' kill me. I could have gotten a concussion and then I would have had to go to the hospital and skip school!” I yelled to her at the top of my lung as I rubbed my bruised and bleeding forehead.

“Ha ha ha, concussion my ***. It would take something a lot harder to hurt someone with a skull as thick as yours. And what's the big deal anyways? You wanted to ditch school anyways,.If you did get a concussion you'd have a legitimate reason to skip. That way you aren't breaking your promise with your mom.”

I sighed again. “**** you Saya.”

“Say that again and I swear to god I'll smack you in the head so hard you will get a concussion. And don't you dare think I wont do it cause you know I will.”

I rolled my eyes in silent rebellion “Yes mommy.”

And at that Saya gave me a swift thwack to the head.

“Ow!”

“You were just begging for it.”

* * * part 1 end ***
The classroom was filled with noise. Students chattered about what seemed to be nothing at all. Who was dating who, how last night's party was, how evil some teacher is, and how much of a slut that girl in someone's forth period class is. Doesn't anyone talk about anything different? I mean really I swear to god all this is old news. Why the hell is life so boring?

A loud clap-like thump made me jump forcing me out of my train of thought and back into reality and all it's dullness. I looked up to the front of the class where the sound had originated from, and there stood a tall lean muscular man by the name of Mr. Setome. A stack of semi-organized papers sat in front of him in manila folder. Papers seemed to have been shoved into the folders in any which direction. It always amassed me that none of the papers were even the slightest bit crinkled.

“Well then, I'm sure all of you enjoyed your reading last night. Artamis Fockworth, in my opinion, is one of the greatest writers prior the great migration to Second Earth. Interestingly enough Fockworth didn't gain popularity till three thousand years after his death after all of the Calibaris Solar System was fully colonized. Much of his work is still missing because of the data corruption that occurred during the landing on Second Earth by Solaris IV, which was the primary data base, or library of the Solaris fleet. But I'm sure you all knew that, right Nasta?”

I picked my head up from the desk and looked at Mr. Setome. His face just spelled out the word “annoyed” I'm sure if you'd look in a dictionary you'd see a picture of his face in it.

“Ummmm... Right Solaris IV, the Solaris fleet's primary data base. Got it.”

I put my head back down and closed my eyes in hopes that he would just leave me alone after this. I sighed and under my breath I cussed out in annoyance. I hated English., or rather I hated Mr. Setome. All-in-all he was a cool teacher and was liked by most students but for some odd reason he had it out for me. He would always find some flaw in everything I did and then load up on it and just rant on about it. I mean I know I'm not the greatest student but It's not like I'm that bad. At least I show up to school everyday... Err well almost everyday.

The bell rang and all the students poured out of the classrooms. Our school was an open school which consisted of various buildings which was each assigned their own subject English, history, math, science, foreign language, arts, and metaphysics. As I left the English building I turned around and began to head off to my second period class in the metaphysics rooms.

I walked into the large strangely shaped building which had strange runes imprinted on the walls and magic circles placed in seemingly random places all over the front plaza of the building. A few of these symbols and circles I recognized to be of Elvish descent and were mostly related to protection, wisdom, and unity with nature. I stepped into my class room which looked like something from a Edger Allen Poe story gone very wrong. The room was dark, damp, and musty but also strangely warm and cozy. This strange paradox was what had always drawn me to this room and in the beginning of the year when I discovered this would be one of my classes I had gone ecstatic. In front of the room on the teachers desk sat a jet black cat it's eyes a strange blood red color that seems to pierce through ones soul and set it on fire. I walked up towards my seat in the front row right in front of the desk right within firing distance of the cats menacing eyes.

“Good morning Mrs. Garnis. That article you gave me to read last night was fascinating. I had no idea that the elemental map spider webbed like that it was quite an amassing concept for me”

I placed a news article on the teachers desk right in front of the cat which then looked up at me and meowed. It's gaze made me shiver, even in this burning early October heat.

“Well I'm glade you enjoyed it Nasta I had a feeling that would peek your interests.”

“Ya, that article blew my mind why don't we ever learn of such things in class?”

The cat suddenly jumped out of the desk and morphed into the shape of a skinny middle aged woman who wore a dark robe adorned with runes and magic circles just like the plaza.

“Well parents already complain that we teach the basic concepts of magic, imagine what would happen if we began to teach advanced level magic and spells. Parents would go crazy. Many still believes that anything regarding magic should stay in magic schools. Ok, well that enough of this discussion for now the period is about to begin now take your seat.”

Mrs. Garnis began her lecture on the properties of the seven primary elements and how mages were able to tap into that energy stored in the planet and use it to cast spells. It was all very basic stuff that I had covered on my own years ago in grade school, but even so I couldn't help but pay attention, it was – well to put it simply – magic.

* * * part 2 end* * *

I had always loved magic. From the moment I heard about it it enthralled me, it snared me in it's invisible net and never let me go and I never struggled to escape it's grasp. Many thoguht it strange for someone like me – who isn't a mage – to be so obsessed with magic, it was so abnormal. When i was young everything I did was because of magic. I learned to read so I could look at spell books and books about magic. I learned Latin, Sanskrit, Elvin, Dwarven, Dragonic, and so many more languages so I could recite the spells of each race even thought I knew nothing would happen. And at one point I even found my self filling out an application to a mage only school. This form of addiction was abnormal, and probably even a little bit unhealthy and I knew it, but I still couldn't help it. Something about it all made me feel strange, it made me feel happy, and for some reason I felt a strong connection to it all. The funny thing is till this day I still feel this connection.


* * *

My next two periods dragged on to what seemed to be an eternity, but as all things they did end, and afterwards came the best part of the day, lunch.

I walked toward the schools central plaza fighting and squeezing my way though groups of people who had inconveniently placed themselves in the middle of all the foot traffic. As I weaved though the crowd I heard someone shouting my name – or atleast I though it was my name – I turned around and look behind to see who was shouting out, and what I saw was quite a site. It was a short and petite five foot tall girl bouncing up and down amongst the crowd waving hear hands wildly as if she were drowning in the dense sea of people. What added to the humor was that she was probably jumping two feet high almost half of her hight.

I burst out laughing and waved back to her.

( so basically you just got a taste of part 3 as well, part 3 goes into the main characters group of friends and touches on his history and sets up for the main event that kicks the stories plot in gear.)

Monamy
05-19-2009, 01:37 AM
Short answer: I liked it 7/10

Long, detailed answer (I'm sure you want this the most though):
I loved the opening; it felt so simple and basic like an everyday life, but suddenly turned into fantasy fiction without a warning. Suddenly it strikes the reader that he's not reading something that could happen for real, or drama, it just turns out to be a world of magic and spells, where the human race is only one of many races!

Being a Fantasy/Fiction maniac, I nearly lost myself in your style. But I kind of felt that the main plot was missing (until I read the last 2 sentences), there doesn't really seem to be any conflict in the story yet--feels like a something normal so far. Since you want this story to take place in a magical world, I suggest you give the narrator's surroundings an extra care; try describing things around the main character that would appear and sound strange yet amazing in the readers' mind (like the part where the cat suddenly morphed to another form), maybe buildings that float, a transportation platform in the street (as if it is something normal in that world), or even drag something from 'our' real life's world and shape it as your own, then describe it (like skating, music, ...) My point is, try to color your world in the story more regularly to show your reader just how different your world is from ours.

When it comes to characters, I noticed some lack of 'special characteristics' in those parts (again, until I noticed the last 2 lines, I knew why), I suggest giving every character of yours something they specialize in. I'm not talking about abilities here, I'm talking about looks and attitudes. Try picturing your character in your mind, 'live' in his place and think what would you act based on the character's own style, write all that down in a note and begin shaping (I use that often).

Also, here's a trick I've learned while creating a believable, understandable character: try 'drawing' your characters, it doesn't matter if you're good or bad in drawing, just try to draw them with their custom, unique hair-style, pose and expression. It will help you out to deside the way their minds work.

And the most important rule: Don't stop writing; even if you don't have anything good to add to your chapters, write something else--short stories, poems, even broken several lines will do. The idea here is to try many ways of writing something. Here's a good example: read one line, any random line, then try writing it in as many ways as you can, start with the verb first, then try starting with the object, then try the subject, then maybe shift places. Once you find yourself using one style a lot, put a limitation that you're only allowed to use 'that' style twice and try the others. Changing your style here and there would give some spice to your writing, you might not feel it but your reader would grow tired of reading the same style over and over to the end.

That's all the notes/suggestionsI have for you right now, would add more should I get any.
Wish you the best!

optimisticnad
05-19-2009, 07:52 AM
Hello and welcome to the forum. Very brave of you to put this up.

I didn't like the opening but the PAM did. It felt like you were trying too hard to be philosophical about life. What's your target audience? I ask because it's the sort of thing a 12 year old/early teen would read and find funny. It wasn't my cup of tea - but then again I'm ancient. The art of writing comes from the art of reading, I get the impression you still have a lot of reading to do before you can even begin to think about writing. Having said practicing is always a good thing so don't stop, just think and read more.

AuntShecky
05-19-2009, 12:22 PM
Please take a look at this if you have time. Click:
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=657830#post657830

By the by, the word is "critique."

darkland8
05-19-2009, 05:59 PM
Short answer: I liked it 7/10

Long, detailed answer (I'm sure you want this the most though):
I loved the opening; it felt so simple and basic like an everyday life, but suddenly turned into fantasy fiction without a warning. Suddenly it strikes the reader that he's not reading something that could happen for real, or drama, it just turns out to be a world of magic and spells, where the human race is only one of many races!

Being a Fantasy/Fiction maniac, I nearly lost myself in your style. But I kind of felt that the main plot was missing (until I read the last 2 sentences), there doesn't really seem to be any conflict in the story yet--feels like a something normal so far. Since you want this story to take place in a magical world, I suggest you give the narrator's surroundings an extra care; try describing things around the main character that would appear and sound strange yet amazing in the readers' mind (like the part where the cat suddenly morphed to another form), maybe buildings that float, a transportation platform in the street (as if it is something normal in that world), or even drag something from 'our' real life's world and shape it as your own, then describe it (like skating, music, ...) My point is, try to color your world in the story more regularly to show your reader just how different your world is from ours.

When it comes to characters, I noticed some lack of 'special characteristics' in those parts (again, until I noticed the last 2 lines, I knew why), I suggest giving every character of yours something they specialize in. I'm not talking about abilities here, I'm talking about looks and attitudes. Try picturing your character in your mind, 'live' in his place and think what would you act based on the character's own style, write all that down in a note and begin shaping (I use that often).

Also, here's a trick I've learned while creating a believable, understandable character: try 'drawing' your characters, it doesn't matter if you're good or bad in drawing, just try to draw them with their custom, unique hair-style, pose and expression. It will help you out to deside the way their minds work.

And the most important rule: Don't stop writing; even if you don't have anything good to add to your chapters, write something else--short stories, poems, even broken several lines will do. The idea here is to try many ways of writing something. Here's a good example: read one line, any random line, then try writing it in as many ways as you can, start with the verb first, then try starting with the object, then try the subject, then maybe shift places. Once you find yourself using one style a lot, put a limitation that you're only allowed to use 'that' style twice and try the others. Changing your style here and there would give some spice to your writing, you might not feel it but your reader would grow tired of reading the same style over and over to the end.

That's all the notes/suggestionsI have for you right now, would add more should I get any.
Wish you the best!

Well part 3, 4, or 5 will explain the setting. See the setting is a bit complex and is mixed with politics and 'modern' (to them) social believes. You see in this country mages are hated and discriminated upon (hence why parents in the story don't like magic being taught) so there's actually nothing really magical about the setting. Although this story is based in the future this country looks much like that of the modern world (as do most countries that discriminate against mages in the Calibaris Solar System). also the reason I lack so much about the setting is because of the way I plan to reveal it. The setting will all be explained when the story plot kicks in.

Oh, and I'll look into increasing my description of things. I kinda had a feeling i wasn't including enough description but now I know that's a fact. Thanks.


Hello and welcome to the forum. Very brave of you to put this up.

I didn't like the opening but the PAM did. It felt like you were trying too hard to be philosophical about life. What's your target audience? I ask because it's the sort of thing a 12 year old/early teen would read and find funny. It wasn't my cup of tea - but then again I'm ancient. The art of writing comes from the art of reading, I get the impression you still have a lot of reading to do before you can even begin to think about writing. Having said practicing is always a good thing so don't stop, just think and read more.

I decided to start of on a more serious tone because the story will be more serious. The story is actually about the main character finding himself and getting a better understanding of the world around him from first hand experience (because he has plenty of textbook knowledge).

This story really isn't for little kids or the immature. I'm aiming this story more towards kids my age (+17ish). This story wont be your happy-go-lucky, win-win, kinda story. It's very real showing both the good and bad about life and even about modern society (because i always like to make parallels to the real world in my story's). In this story you can expect both the worst and the best and everything in between.

Also your 100% right when you said I have a lot more reading to do. Since I became serious about my writing I have found that I usually stay in around the same writing style and I feel that I really need to expand. The reason i write out my stories is because I'd probably end up going crazy (err... more crazy then I already am) if i didn't.


Please take a look at this if you have time. Click:
http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=657830#post657830

By the by, the word is "critique."

OK thanks for a link to the rules, and I just realized that I totally destroyed the word critique, sorry i do that all the time. it's quite pathetic for someone who says he wants to be a writer... ^^"