Tapestry of grief

[Delta40]

What shade of grey
is this that we wear
When it envelops us in a mist?

Can we float with joy
Shine like a guiding light
As a loved one passes through
And lose ourselves in its ethereal cloud

What then is grief to a tissue
when it sits in the box unused?

The half drunk glass of wine
and the box of memories
spilled across a lap
a yearning tune
for a heart to unwind?

How shall grief be hued
when it travels across time?
Like the seasons of the year

[Tuninks]

Powerful, a truly inspiring piece. If I may,

spilled across a lap
a yearning tune
for a heart to unwind?

The second line of this quote seems to clunk a little for me,
Perhaps to recommend revising/removing? Otherwise a truly inspirational piece!

[Silas Thorne]

Quite good. Could do with a bit of punctuation though, commas, fullstops. Perhaps use one after 'lap' in the fourth stanza? There are some great lines and images in it, but I think you could put on your editing hat with this one and cut it down, prune it more.

For example, the first lines:


What shade of grey
is this that we wear
When it envelops us in a mist?

could be:

What shade of grey
is this we wear
when it envelops us in mist?

and I don't think it loses anything, in fact (I think) it gains in rhythm.


And lose ourselves in its ethereal cloud
A bit too long a line, perhaps? And 'its'? refers to what in the poem?

Is the last line the end of the poem, or is there more? When you use 'like' it seems there should be an extended comparison.

I think you might want to mull over each line more, and cut out all the words you don't need, trim off all the meat so the bones are white and clean.

Actually, I like that line Tuninks said was a little 'too clunk'. Perhaps just me. :)

Keep it up! :)

[Delta40]

What shade of grey
is this we wear
When it envelops us in mist?

Can we float with joy
Shine like a guiding light
As a loved one passes through
to lose us in an ethereal cloud?

What then is grief to a tissue
when it sits in the box unused?

The half drunk glass of wine
and the box of memories
spilled across a lap
for a heart to unwind?

How shall grief be hued
when it travels across time?
Like the seasons of the year

Thank you for your feedback. Does this read better?

[firefangled]

This is a beautiful meditation on grief using the artifacts of mourning.

[Beanie]

There was this year the followed
that year that succeeded this year
that I am here, you are forever not here.
At what point do I continue the endeavour?

[Buh4Bee]

I think it is important to acknowledge that there can be experiences of joy, but mainly times of sadness, that occur as we travel through the many shades of the grieving process.

[Delta40]

I am finding I don't like the word 'cycle' and 'phase'
I like the grief process as I journey through
but cycle? I feel as if it requires me to put energy into moving into the 'phase' so I can remain human and if I don't - well am I just a mouse turning and turning cycling and cycling round and round......lol
I figure - isn't it better to just be - have these new eyes and write!

[PrinceMyshkin]

I think this is an improved version of a poem I already liked when I first read it. I was especially moved by:


What then is grief to a tissue
when it sits in the box unused?

The half drunk glass of wine
and the box of memories
spilled across a lap
for a heart to unwind?

[Delta40]

me too. now I'm laughing so perhaps I need to update my 'phase!'

[Pendragon]

Net metaphysical lines here:

What then is grief to a tissue
when it sits in the box unused?