1 Poem, 1 Song on Room 101 - First Post

[emarosa]

Hi! I'm new here and would greatly appreciate any critiques on either my poem or song that I'll be submitting.

Please and Thank You's!


Her Thoughts Set Off Like Napalm (Poem)

The darkness enveloped her surroundings as the war edged closer
“Peace,” she was promised as she thought about the future
Never again capable of expressing human feelings
The only medicine left was a memory she was sealing
From the Party to the Thought Police, what was the meaning of freedom?
Not even the taste of sweet black coffee, one could only fathom
Her ignorance faded as she drifted towards the door
She kneeled down to the cracks and heard screaming from the floor
“You will be hollow,” were the very last words
Opening Room 101, she stepped in as her vision blurred


Room 101 (song)

Here’s the rope I promised
In the place without darkness
Do you believe me now?

I swear you’ll believe me now

The door just sealed shut (noone’s coming)
Hurry and erase your memories (the pain’s coming)
Betray those close to you
Pray they’ll still be with you

The only way to save yourself
Is to blame someone else

The room turned upside down
I’ll be watching from the corner
Don’t worry, you’re not okay
Hey girl, you’re doing fine

I’ll describe your present state
Face down and body limp
Blood streaking from scratches
Teeth marks on your arms

Do you believe me now?

You’ve done your part
You’ve saved yourself

[The Atheist]

Hi! I'm new here and would greatly appreciate any critiques on either my poem or song that I'll be submitting.

Please and Thank You's!


Her Thoughts Set Off Like Napalm (Poem)

The darkness enveloped her surroundings as the war edged closer
“Peace,” she was promised as she thought about the future
Never again capable of expressing human feelings
The only medicine left was a memory she was sealing
From the Party to the Thought Police, what was the meaning of freedom?
Not even the taste of sweet black coffee, one could only fathom
Her ignorance faded as she drifted towards the door
She kneeled down to the cracks and heard screaming from the floor
“You will be hollow,” were the very last words
Opening Room 101, she stepped in as her vision blurred

I won't offer an opinion on the poetry aspect, because I'm a poetry critic like Obama's a member of the KKK.

Couple of things from a 1984 perspective, though:

I'd change the title; napalm wasn't invented when the book was written.

I don't like the "war edged closer" - if you're talking about the "war" between Oceania, Eastasia & Eurasia, because it will never be within sight or hearing of Room 101. If you're on a different tack, no worries!

:D

Love to hear your song to music; you might have to YouTube it for us.

[emarosa]

Thanks for the feedback, didn't know the napalm bit.

I kind of wanted the "war" bit to symbolize her struggle or something like that, but I see how it can be misinterpreted.

[qimissung]

I really love these! Very dark, and you did a superb job of holding the tone, just like a singer holds a note.

I liked the title of the poem; I, also, didn't know that napalm had not been invented at that time. You might do a google search on weapons, WWII, or explosives WWII, to see what was available then. Good luck, and good job!

[emarosa]

Thank you very much for your feedback :)