Huddled under a street lamp

[breathtest]

Huddled under a street lamp
Speaking toxins with the night
The pavement beneath me in
flowery decay. I grip the
notebook on my thighs with worn fingers
in fear of the words appearing there.

I hope that the night
around me will close in eternally
and fold my flesh in its cold skin.



Please comment freely...

[Moshu]

Wow... I am in awe. Brilliant, I felt like I really saw you and felt what you were feeling, and you didn't overwrite to portray your images and emotions. I love it, and read it three times in a row!

[qimissung]

I like it. I love these small, quiet poems full of dark and brooding images, paranoia and isolation lurking.

The only thing I might change would be to dismiss the period at the end of the first stanze, and the "I" at the end of the second stanza (leave the stanzas!), and change "hope" to "hoping."

Yours in despair,
Qimissung

[PrinceMyshkin]

Huddled under a street lamp
Speaking toxins with the night
The pavement beneath me in
flowery decay. I grip the
notebook on my thighs with worn fingers
in fear of the words appearing there.

I hope that the night
around me will close in eternally
and fold my flesh in its cold skin.



Please comment freely...

Let me say, very freely, that I appreciate this poem enormously, the emotions so sharply etched with so few words!

(But I disagree with the changes suggested by the estimable Qimmisung.)

[breathtest]

Thank you so much moshu, qimissung and princemyshkin, your appreciation means a lot to me. More than you can imagine

[qimissung]

"Estimable" indeed. Pish tosh. Well, they are suggestions only. I don't know why, since I am an English teacher, but I like smudging the edges a little. Please know that it is a fine poem as it is, breathtest.

[PoeticPassions]

quite wonderful! I love the way you use language... "fold my flesh in its cold skin"

[Silas Thorne]

A strong thought picture, a captured moment, of darkness and bitterness. I smile against it though. :)

Just wondering about these lines here:

I hope that the night
around me will close in eternally

If you don't want to put a poetic pose on, as it seems from the rest of the poem, maybe a comma after 'me' here. I could be very wrong though.