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IndigoStorm
05-01-2009, 04:14 PM
Alice loved wind chimes. She had them hanging all around the outside her house and on the veranda. Some even hung in the trees in the yard. There were glass, brass, ceramic and bamboo wind chimes.

Only one wind chime hung inside her house. It was a special one because her husband David gave it to her just three weeks before he was murdered. He’d gone outside in the yard after hearing screaming thinking that one of their staff was being attacked. Alice watched as his head was hacked from his body with a machete. Watched in horror as it bounced like a football when it hit the lawn.

Alice just had time to slam and bolt the door before they turned on her. David had long before shown her how to load and fire the twelve-gauge pump action shotgun. She fetched it from the bedroom then unbolted and opened the front door. She’d seen grown men freeze just at the sound a pump action shotgun made when tromboning a new shell into the chamber. It's a sound you will never forget particularly if it is behind you.

Shick-shick!

“Bastards!” she screamed and shot the man nearest her in the head. The force of the blast tore away most of his face so that only a bloody skull with bits of tissue and flesh sticking to it remained.

Shick-shick!

Another cartridge in the breech and another face exploded.

Shick-shick … shick-shick.

The sound the shotgun made when it was reloaded was as good as the thrump and the recoil when she pulled the trigger. She killed three that night and would have upped her tally if they hadn’t run away.

Now she called it “David’s wind chime.” It was large, made of crystal and it hung from the passage ceiling. It hung so low that she had to walk around it every time she went from the lounge to the kitchen. Maverick and Purdy, the Rottweilers she bought after David’s death, pricked up their ears whenever they heard the crystal wind chime tinkle. The dogs brushed against it too. It made her think of David.

Those that hung on the stoep and in the trees were lower than head height as well. She jokingly referred to them as her “musical burglar alarms that worked fine when there was no wind.”

It was one o’clock in the morning when she woke up. It was hot and humid in the bedroom because all the windows in the house were closed. There wasn’t even a hint of the air moving. It was dark and silent in the room so the sudden tinkling of the crystal wind chime startled her.

“You dogs.” She scolded aloud, turning over to face the wall. “Always bumping into David’s wind chime.”

Maverick and Purdy lying cold and dead just outside the open front door couldn’t prick up their ears this time.

wateredwhisky
05-01-2009, 04:39 PM
This is a pretty interesting little piece, but here's a few recommendations for ways to spruce it up a bit.

In the first paragraph you give us a description of the wind chimes. However, with these being such a central image to the entire story I really wish that I could actually see them. I almost want excruciating detail at one point or another in the story. Get us involved by different senses. Wind chimes are incredible aural objects; let me hear them. Also, it seems like the way you go about presenting them seems contrived. I guess the easiest way to say this is that your narrator is just describing Alice's home and her wind chimes, not actually presenting them to us. It seems oddly disconnected from the character. If they are so important to her I would really like to see her at least interacting with them in some way.

Then comes the death of her husband. I'm still a little confused as to actually what went on here. You toss in a few details about how David thought it could be one of their "staff," but what exactly is it that they do? I guess I'm not really saying that I need to know everything about their lives, but the death seems artificial because it has no context. Also, the fact that he died by a machete seems nearly comical because I am imagining some American suburbia with faceless, nameless, and most importantly motiveless killers running around. Now, maybe if this story was set in Rwanda during the genocide in the '90s the machete detail wouldn't seem so...well, fake.

Also, the line "watched in horror as it [his head] bounced like a football across the lawn." The simile really needs to match the way you're trying to portray the event. If you compare her husband's decapitated head to a football nobody is really going to take the event very seriously. This is (I assume) meant to be a pretty emotionally charged event. Maybe just rework it a little bit to try and convey exactly how the event should make your reader feel. Remember, writing is half about creating a plot, and half about being able to trigger the exact emotional response from your reader. The aim here is to get closer and closer to a 1:1 communicability in both narrative and feeling.

Despite all this, you definitely have some good parts. I thought one of your more brilliant moments was when you used the onomatopoeia of the shotgun shells to compare to a wind chime. Tying in those two images really seems to get at the way Alice feels about the wind chimes and about the event. The wind chime certainly contains both feelings of regret and violence for Alice, so drawing a comparison between a shotgun and a wind chime is a brilliant move.

Happy hunting!

IndigoStorm
05-01-2009, 04:49 PM
Hi w/w:

Thank you very much for reading Wind Chimes and for your very detailed and helpful critique ...

In this line ... "She had them hanging all around the outside her house and on the veranda" I was gonna add: "which in Africa is called a stoep" but then I figured that readers would think that I was like telling because they wouldn't know this, so I left it out.

Once again many thanks for reading and commenting.

wateredwhisky
05-01-2009, 06:57 PM
You're welcome :)

And, if you have the time I'd love to see what you think of my recent piece I posted. It's a tad bit long, so I understand if you don't have time, but I haven't had any replies yet.

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43716