To Conquer and

[Moshu]

It's not my best, or my favorite, but I wrote this one recently. I kinda went for syllabic verse, and I don't usually put a rhyme scheme in, but I did here. I'm not sure whethere it's very original at all, but I tried. And I could probably use to edit it a bit. Feedback is welcome!

To Conquer The Fear of Flying

The wind whips my face
As I see yours in space
And all I want to do is cry.
Walking through this field is like a dream
A beautiful nightmare; my silent scream
And all I want to do is cry.
The memories rush in; surround me
I grip that lonely, rotten tree
And all I want to do is cry.
I see us climbing, climbing it
Me losing balance; you giving me a lift
And all I want to do is cry.
I was laughing at you; you tugged on my hair
These daisies, our singing, the bright sun, your dare
And all I want to do is cry.
Unafraid of dying, watching sunsets on the roof
Jumping off into a haypile, we never needed proof
And all I want to do is cry.
Then hard times came and threw us into a pit
You saw who I really was, the dirt, the dark, your spit.
And all I want to do is cry.
I followed you out of the hole, cause I thought there still was love
I climbed the tree behind you, and then you pushed me off.
And all I want to do is cry.
I can't say I was helpless, I could have pushed you back
But I was to oblivious, until it was real bad
And all I want to do is cry.
My neck and wing bones broke; a dirty, bloody bird
I screamed, but you ignored me; pretended I wasn't heard
And all I want to do is cry.
It's taken time to heal now, and climb that famous branch
To leap into the wind and clouds, and not look down or fear death.
I learned the hard way how to fly.

This one was a sort of midnight-fling at poetry, but it's a little more natural for me with it's style. No meter or rhyme scheme; very comfortable. This too, probably needs editing, but I would love comments on what to change.

Ambition

Ambition
Leaks out of my pores
coming and going faster
than the train
downtown
that has purple and silver shiny cars that whiz by
and a caboose
Jumping on the train is harder than it sounds
and tickets cost money
lots of it
But for travelling on the train
to get somewhere else
It's worth it.

Think back to last Christmas
Pine trees, cookies, presents, trains
And then it was all over
For the life of me
I couldn't pack the toy trains away
in smelly boxes
in the dark basement
So I took the shiny, tiny caboose
I put it in my room
Maybe someday it'll grow into a big train
But for now
It's there to remind me of my
Ambition.

I might post more if these go over well. Poetry seems to be taking over my life right now.

[IndigoStorm]

Hi Moshu;

Moshu = Hastily

For a poet in fact for any writer, haste if often not a bad trait to have. Personally I find it is important to get my thoughts down on paper as soon as I can. There is always time later to re-write & edit.

I like Ambition and I had to take two peeks at your profile page to make sure I hadn't made a mistake and that you were a young lady cos usually its the guys who like trains!

I like the comparison between the fast train and your ambition and your poem describes this beautifully. You are definitely going places!

The poem itself will benefit greatly from some editing as you alluded to in your thread.

Firstly you might consider dividing it into three or four stanzas which will firstly make it easier on the eye and therefore easier to read and secondly make it scan much better.

Couple of words need correcting and I have highlighted them for you.

Well done.

Ambition
eeks out of my pores ekes (unless you intended eeks!)
coming and going faster
than the train
downtown
that has purple and silver shiny cars that whiz by
and a caboose
Jumping on the train is harder than it sounds
and tickets cost money
lots of it
But for traveling on the train travelling
to get somewhere else
It's worth it.
Think back to last Christmas
Pine trees, cookies, pressents, trains presents
And then it was all over
For the life of me
I couldn't pack the toy trains away
in smelly boxes
in the dark basement
So I took the shiny, tiny caboose
I put it in my room
Maybe someday it'll grow into a big train
But for now
It's there to remind me of my
Ambition.

[Moshu]

Oh! Ok, yeah, I didn't even catch those... thanks IndigoStorm! I decided I liked leaks better than ekes and eeks. =D Yeah, I put it in a couple stanzas, good idea. I do write pretty hastily, but I guess I gotta be careful I don't write sloppily. :blush: Anyway, thanks! What did you think of To Conquer? And yeah, I'm a girl, :blush::blush: I do like trains, but I'm (very) scared of them actually. But I felt they fit ambition quite well.

[Sapphire]

To conquer the fear of flying
I really like this one :) It really draws me into the "story" - remembering what is was like to not be afraid, to do without fearing and then the sudden realisation that it could go wrong. Then the learning to do it all again and on your own.
I do wonder though - might it be an idea to put some "enter"s into the poem? It is such a big box of text now. I am not sure how you should split it up, I mean - it might be because the 3rd line is always the same ("all I want to do is cry") that you could split it there, but to make verses of 3 lines is not really the way to go either... Maybe keeping it all together is the best way to go after all.

Ambition
I second IndigoStorm that the idea of comparing your ambition with a train is a nice touch. And the verses are slitted nicely: first the comparison to a real train, then the toy trains.

Thank you for sharing, Sapphire.

[IndigoStorm]

Hi again Moshu;

This piece too is well thought out and typical of the poetry we write when we are in love or when we believe we are in love. Young love is usually fraught with pain, fear and lots and lots of crying.

How to improve it?

Well here are my thoughts for you to take on board or cast aside just as you see fit.

Firstly I would divide it into stanzas like this so that it is much easier on the eye and so easier to read and digest.



The wind whips my face
(And) As I see yours in space
And all I want to do is cry.

Walking through this field is like a dream
A beautiful nightmare; my silent scream(s)
And all I want to do is cry.

The memories rush in; surround me
I grip that lonely, rotten tree
And all I want to do is cry.

I see us climbing, climbing it
Me losing balance; you giving me a lift
And all I want to do is cry.

I was laughing at you; you tugged on my hair
The(se) daisies, our singing, the bright sun, your dare
And all I want to do is cry.

Unafraid of dying, watching sunsets on the roof
Jumping off into a hay pile, we never needed proof
And all I want to do is cry.

Then hard times came and threw us into a pit
You saw who I really was, the dirt, the dark, your spit.
And all I want to do is cry.

I followed you out of the hole, cause I thought there still was love
I climbed the tree behind you, and then you pushed me off.
And all I want to do is cry.

I can't say I was helpless, I could have pushed you back
But I was to oblivious, until it was real bad
And all I want to do is cry.

My neck and wing bones broke; a dirty, bloody bird
I screamed, but you ignored me; pretended I wasn't heard
And all I want to do is cry.

It's taken time to heal now, and climb that famous branch
To leap into the wind and clouds, and not look down or fear death.
I learned the hard way how to fly.

In terms of improving the content … well in stanzas one, two and three … lines one and two rhyme as in face/space, dream/scream(s) and me/tree … but then in stanza four you have it/lift??? In stanza five, six, seven … you go hair/dare, roof/proof, pit/spit.

There you go honey!

[Moshu]

Thank you again. I greatly appreciate your comments, IndigoStorm and Sapphire! Good suggestions. I am still working on the it/lift lines... I understand it upsets the flow of the rhyme. =D

[qimissung]

I like both your poems, Moshu. I think I like the second a little better, but that's only an immediate first impression, not a critique. I love the last line of the first. It is a fact of life, I think, that we do not learn from experience as much as we learn from reflection on that experience.