Stories

[Mr. Superman Me]

This is a thread to posts and comment on stories. Here is one that I wrote. Please NO bashing other peoples writing (unless you can insult people in a hilarious manner), but if you do have compliments or constructive criticism to give feel free to give it.

“Someone to Hold”

On a cool summer’s evening, we laid on the grassy bank by the lake, as the sun sinks into the water’s horizon. We watch as the sun paints the canvas sky with exuberant colors of an orange, yellow, and pink mixture of beauty. As she laid in my arms and I in hers, a warm breeze wraps around our bodies like a soft gentle blanket. Birds softly chirp a simple hymn, but with her so close to me it sounds like a symphony. Every minute part of the lake, where I had been my whole life seemed ever so different. The trees were fuller; the water sparkled more in the light; the grass was softer; and it was all because of one person.
This girl I had only just met two nights ago. Could I really already be so fond of her? Then I thought, could she possibly already be so fond of…no, not a guy like me, she could not, she would not. Look at her, she’s perfect.
I starred in a daze at her infallible beauty. Her long dark hair flowed in the summer’s breeze. Her soft skin lay daintily on her body, with a certain glow that made me glad when I saw her. She tilted her head slightly, flashing her glossy eyes at me. I became entranced in those eyes. She smiled at me wrinkling the bridge of her nose; even the wrinkles on her face I adored. She looked lovely.
She moved closer to me. Her sweet perfume filled my nostrils, indulging me in to a heavenly sensation, and at the same instance my stomach and heart seemed to leap, making me ill, at her presence so close to me. My palms became strangely clammy. I, trying regain some composure, smiled back at her. I moved towards her. The brief moment lasted a lifetime. We grew closer to each other, our lips almost touching. Right before contact, she turned away resting her head on my shoulder giggling. My head dropped in disappoint. Here I was thinking I was a stud. I quickly darted my eyes away from back at the sunset wiping my damp sweaty hands on my jeans, acting like nothing had happened.
She raised her head at me again, with that little grin of hers. “What?” I asked almost giggling like an idiot myself.
She replied, “Nothing,” leaning closer to me once more.
My throat was dry and my palms sweaty again, but this time I ignored my hesitation and wrapped my arm tightly around her waist drawing her closer to me. My heart pounded on my chest with excitement and fear, mainly fear, as our lips drew closer. I had a single thought racing through my head, ‘Please, God, do not let me screw this up.’
Our lips touched. At first it was a tiny peck, then another kiss slightly more intimate. We pulled apart pushing our foreheads together. We were both grinning. I raised my hand up to her warm smooth cheek, like guiding her to me. We kissed once more but with intense passion.
At this point I am not sure how long we were there. The sun had long since set and the stars covered the sky when we finally decided to leave. This girl was the world to me. At that moment I would do anything for her. Nothing else mattered, not as long as she was by my side hand in hand.
Well we dated until we graduated high school, but at college we began to drift apart. Back then I thought I “knew”, that she was the one, but I guess it was not meant to be. No, the girl by the lake and I did not live happily ever after together, but I at least I did live happily, with someone else. I am content with my wonderful wife and two kids, James and Lily, with another on the way. I do not regret my life now in any way, nor do I care much to know the “what if”. I do still, however, hold that memory dear to me, of holding a girl by the lake. I guess that is what we are all looking for, just the chance to have someone to hold, to be with. Maybe the “who” does not even matter, just as long as there is somebody there to hold?

[JacobF]

You didn't need to create a thread for people to post stories in. That's what this whole sub-forum is for.

But since you posted yours I'll give you some feedback.

First of all, stick to one tense. In the beginning you write in present tense (except for when you say "laid" instead of "lie"), then in the middle you switch to past tense.

Your writing feels a bit off. To elaborate, a lot of the sentences don't make a lot of sense. Notably, "The girl I had only just met two nights ago," doesn't really make sense as its own sentence, and "Every minute part of the lake, where I had been my whole life seemed ever so different," doesn't feel right.

And: "Right before contact, she turned away resting her head on my shoulder giggling." Kind of stilted and awkward to imagine.

The ending, I thought, was pretty tacky. "Maybe it doesn't matter who, just as long as there's someone to hold?" Why do you phrase it as a question? And of course it matters "who" you're holding. Holding a girl I like by the lake is a lot different than holding a hooker. Maybe if you were more clear on what exactly that ending was supposed to mean, it would have been more effective.