Help with Thesis Statement

[RishadNoori]

Hello,

I am writing an essay about Oskar Schindler's change throughout the novel and would like your opinions on the thesis statement.

"Oskar Schindler, witnessing the many atrocities the world has put out and the worst in humanity, makes him want to change. He becomes a hero and a saviour which makes all the difference to the thousands of Jewish people that became affected by this change. "

Thank you.

[Mr Endon]

I don't think this is the right subforum to post this in, but I'm sure a mod will move it accordingly.

In terms of syntax, in the first sentence you've stranded "Oskar Schindler", and don't forget the golden rule not to separate subject from verb with commas. In the second sentence, consider using active voice instead of passive. Rule of thumb: avoid passives if you can, it makes the text less contrived.

In terms of content it's fine, you just need to refrain from using redundant phrases. If I were writing this, then, I'd just give it a couple of tweaks here and there.

Hope I was of help.

[RishadNoori]

Thank you very much for your advice and tips.

Also, can you please try to reedit your post and take out the new thesis statement you posted, since I have to submit my work online and the computer will say I plagiarized. Thanks