Give me rain and winter snow...

[a_little_wisp]

Give me rain and winter snow,
Let the sea-born tempests blow!
I'd test them all and hell below,
Across the river Styx I'd row -!

But if today it would behoove
That I try your heart to move-
Then let this kiss all doubt remove
And through my heart, may yours approve.


Mm, changed- what do you think?
Old:


Give me rain and winter snow,
Let the sea-born tempests blow,
I'd test them all and hell below,
Across the river Styx I'd row -

But if in Spring it would behoove
That all my love to you be proved
Then let my kiss all doubt remove,
And through my heart, may yours approv

[Lokasenna]

Ooh, now this I like. Your rhythm is superb, and the rhyme (save for one little niggle) is excellent. And that little niggle, and it is only a little one, is the line ending in "proved" - for a poem that has such a tight rhyme scheme, the half-rhyme just feels a little out of place to me...

Perhaps something like "That all my love to you I'll prove" could work? Either way, its still a great poem!

[a_little_wisp]

Thank you very, very much, Lokasenna! Wargg, yea, it was nagging at me too, so I'm gonna see what I can do... good suggestion! Thanks!

[~Sophia~]

Hey Wispy. How romantic! I agree with Lokasenna and the only other thing I was really hoping for while I was reading was that the last line wouldn't rhyme with anything.

That's just a personal preference and should be filed under "useless blather". I love a good love poem!

[Sapphire]

Wow. I really, really liked that strong first stanza - definitely screamed energy! And I think the "!" in the 2nd line helps with making it such, not sure whether it should be used in the 4th line, but that is more because I personally think too much exclamation marks are distracting and I also don't know what "-!" can mean.

And geez, no idea on the 2nd verse - I like both :lol: I personally am in favour of the "moving heart", because that is the imaginary I like best. And with such a strong first verse, I think it nice that the second verse is in the here and now, not just in Spring.

Good luck, Sapphire

[ampoule]

Well wispy...just come up here to Yankee land. We had a heavy frost this morning, rain and sleet yesterday with a little snow mixed in. What? Spring?
I think I like the way the 'old' one reads, better for me.
Sweet love.

[PrinceMyshkin]

The improvement in the 2nd stanza rhyming is for the better, but more significant to me is the change from the vague "Spring" to the more immediate, more urgent "today."

[Lokasenna]

That I try your heart to move-

Perfect!

[~Sophia~]

The revised version is better as witnessed above. That's a lot of passion Love!http://www.websmileys.com/sm/fingers/fing32.gif

[Stargazer86]

I quite like this. Particularly the first stanza. I like the conscise, quick pace. The top version of the poem seems to flow a bit better and seems less forced. The use of "today" rather than "Spring" works better in my opinion. Both versions are lovely :)

[The Comedian]

Hey wisp,

I like the revised version better as well. In particular your changing the line to "move" from "love" is in better keeping with the sense of freshness created in the first. I also prefer the the "!" in the second line of the first stanza of the new version because that seems in better keeping the sounds of urgency driven raindrops that the lines convey.

Very good poem. I like it!

[AuntShecky]

I like this, having read it as a parody of the type of poetry written
in the Renaissance. It employs the type of euphusistic diction we in the "Twitter" age no longer use.