2 poems and a little curiosity

[chillyjilly123]

Ok, so I'm looking for some feedback. I write everyone once in a long while, and I stumbled upon LNF, and figured what the heck. No one else has really seen these, so I'm curious as to what you guys and gals think. I kind of think they're a bit cheesy ;)
Thanks in advance! :D



Secret Place
The green moss soft beneath our feet
Stones an eerie shade of grey
Butterflies that seem to glow
Light reflecting off the spray
It's as if the stars surround us.

My muddied white dress
Your stained black slacks
We were both drawn to this place
In the dead of night
As if nothing else matters

Cautious at first
You seem like a stanger and yet,
I have this feeling that we've met before
Eyes so familiar, so intense
I can't seem to tear myself away

In one fluid movement
You step closer, taking my hand
Your touch feels like home
You're the one haunting my dreams
The one I thought I'd never have

But, this isn't a dream
You see the recognition in my eyes and smile
Like magnets we're drawn closer together
Unable to fight the romance of the moment
In our secret place.

Only in My Dreams
Lying on my bed, waiting for the sandman to come.
Hoping I get to spend another night with you.
In the enchanted land that I've created.
It's a place I'll never forget.

The next thing I know I'm floating,
and I know I'm on my way to see you.
My dream guiding me to just within your reach.
The sand now like silk between our toes.
The warmth of the sun kissing our skin.

Holding me, planting kisses on my delicate skin.
The shiver that runs through me,
giving away all that I'm feeling.
Full of want and need.
Is that what you're feeling?

I fall into your eyes
The mischief now gone,
Replaced by something else.
Pulling me closer, I forget to breathe.

Your lips brush against mine,
and I open my eyes,
Gasping for air,
I close I close them again, hoping to be back in your arms.
Wishing it wasn't over so soon.

But tonight, it's not to be
So I lie awake and wonder,
Are you alone as I feel tonight?

[breathtest]

You concentrate a lot on feeling which creates a very vivid picture in my mind and that is great. 'The sand now like silk between our toes.' is beautiful.

I particularly like the line 'Light reflecting off the spray' in the first stanza of the first poem, i can imagine the spray of water glistening like crystal which is a good contrast to the 'eerie shade of grey'.


I also love in the second poem of the person opening her eyes perhaps accidentally and then closing them again, desperately trying to retain the dream that she lost in a moment of carelessness.

However i wish to criticise (hoping to be helpful) your use of punctuation in particular places. For example, 'Hoping to spend another night with you. / In the enchanted land that i've created' I think you shuld lose that full stop so the next line is a continuation. There are a few other places where this is the case that may require some altering if you agree with me.

Apart from that i thoroughly enjoyed reading these poems and i hope you post some more soon. Hope my feedback was helpful. Keep on writing and sharing with the world.

[chillyjilly123]

Now that you mention it, I totally agree with you on my use of punctuation. I wrote this at like 2am and I was half-asleep, half-awake. But I definitely will be changing some of those.

Thanks for your feedback, it is much appreciated :D