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rayjones
04-18-2009, 11:20 AM
Upon the Shore

Bare foot walking on the beach clad in sweater and blue jeans
My flesh walks on the gritty earth but my mind through healing gentle scenes
The moaning growl of crashing waves sooths my soul and helps me understand
As deep within worry walls begin to crumble just like the sparkling sand

As it races to the shore, The sea whispers to my soul “Come walk with me once more.”

And so upon the cool gray ground I walk hand in hand with the distant blue sky line
No earthly friend could ever touch my soul like this ancient friend of mine
Though I’m not a bird no wings sprout from my mortal flesh
Yet my soul has taken flight set free once more from Terra’s tangled mesh

As it races to the shore, the sea whispers to my soul, “Come walk with me once more.”

A thousand pricks and bleeding wounds are healed in one blessed hour
And every beast that lusts for my soul oh ancient sea you easily devour
Beneath your mystic pulse and wash the blood stained earth is scoured bright and clean
Like the sun bleached shells the bones of war are scattered lifeless and serene

As it races to the shore, the sea whispers to my soul, “Come walk with me once more.”

Some distant day peace with crown this dreary little sphere
Then my longing soul can rightly say I want to be right here
Until then upon the beach I’ll walk and let my spirit flee
And revel in the hush and roar of the sighing pounding sea

As is races to the shore, the sea whispers to my soul, “Be with me forevermore.”

crystalmoonshin
04-18-2009, 11:56 AM
I think this should be in the personal poetry section...

JBI
04-18-2009, 06:33 PM
Yeah, and if you want a comment, lines with more than 10 feet don't really rhyme even if the last words have a perfect masculine rhyme. Quite simply, the rhyme cannot carry over 20 syllables, especially when they are not in metrically similar patterns. Alexandrines stretch it, 7s I've only seen work a few times (Tommy by Kippling for examples), 16ners haven't really been used at all, except in comic situations, notably by Gilbert and Sulivan (Modern Major General Porter Song), I don't think I've come across 19ners yet, but seriously, your lines are too long to be couplets.

Your third stanza for instance, I count, first line, 19 syllables, second 17, next 12, then 17 again (sorry for miscounts, after 12 it gets hard to keep track in my head). The couplets really aren't working.

rayjones
04-19-2009, 09:08 AM
Thanks how do I remove it?

crystalmoonshin
04-19-2009, 09:37 AM
I don't know. Maybe we'll just have to wait for the moderators to take notice of it. Or better yet, ask Scheherazade or Logos. :)