My first thread

[breathtest]

This is my first thread...be nice!
Also i haven't been writing poetry very long and am not sure if it is any good at all.

Sharp pain
No
The instrument was blunt
It lingered inside and left its taste of metal
And bloody agony
And twisted in arrogant taunting,
Claiming it is for the good of the nation like taxes
Claiming we are safer now than we were before
Claiming that their treatment of these guilty unproven guilty prisoners
Is just and fair and lawful
But lonely islands still have laws
And childlike shouts of abuse from behind bars
And mocking laughter can speak more truth
Then the army general defending his actions and views,
If we only listened

Praying will do no good and asking for forgiveness
Only proves your guilt,
Why do you ask for forgiveness?
Why do you believe in God?
Why do you swear and drink and smoke and wish death upon innocent people
But get offended when I say God is not real?
When I burn your children’s book you have not read,
And never plan to?
You cannot win me over and you cannot lie to me
I see through your lies your eyes
And when you sleep I know you dream of him
And you stare at his naked whiplash beaten body
With deformed genitals and scythe nipples
You are in love,
But when he stands before you in orange jumpsuit
And black hood, don’t you see,
He will be Muslim.

[PrinceMyshkin]

There are some - many - searing lines in this, a truly Kafkaesque vision of life. I confess, though, that I'm not sure how to take the revelation at the end that the epiphanous figure will be Muslim? It seems too current, too politically specific, if by it you are referring to the general fear of Islamic terrorism.

[breathtest]

That is what i was referring to by that last line but i felt that it stood out against the overall objectivity of the poem and that is why i included it.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting

[Sapphire]

I read your poem and I am not sure what to say about it. Don't worry, it is not because it is bad or anything, it is just that I am a bit dumbstruck by it...

Let start by saying that I like the sharp pain against the blunt instrument. OK, that sounds like a horrid thing to "like" but I mean that the seemingly contrast of sharp and blunt and the practise that blunt instruments leave such painful wounds is a thought that appeals to me.

I am a bit confused by the we, you, I and he in the whole poem. Those are quite a few people. I think I need a smarter brain to really grashp what you try to say here.

Oh, and could you please explain "objectivity of the poem"? You mean, because it is all written so "factly", without emotions showing. Besides the "You are in love", though that is also stated like a fact? For I do not really see how the last statement would go against that, unless you mean that one can not be sure that "He" will be (is?) Muslim?!

Sorry for all the questions, I just try to understand :) Feel free to tell me all your words are in the poem already and that explaining will be too difficult - I can imagine that can be the case.

Thank you for sharing, Sapphire.

[breathtest]

To Sapphire -
When i said 'the overall objectivity of the poem' i meant that the other lines do not really have a specific subject or person or whatever in mind, they really only focus on a whole idea rather than a specific part of that. For example, talking about racism as a whole would be objective but talking about racism against a specific religion or person would be subjective. The use of 'you' and 'we' and 'he' are all meant to be objective uses rather than particular people, and 'Muslim' at the end was the subjective part that stood out, or at least i thought so anyway.

I hope that explained what you wanted explaining and wasn't just a load of nonsense, thanks for showing an interest i hoped you liked reading it

[Sapphire]

Thanks - that is clear :)

I always find it difficult to say "like" when the subject is not happy, but it made me think. And I like it when stuff makes me think. So I guess in that way I have to say I like it. I hope that makes sense.

[Bach]

Some of that wasn't half bad. It needs a little refinement - but, actually, in many places - rather promising!

Read it through and think 'What would Larkin do' - that should help eliminate any pretension.