In your hands

[Sapphire]

Ok, here is my little try to say something in a poem. I try to get the feeling across that I lost what I wanted to somebody who I do think deserves it, but I can not stand to see him with it all.


All I ever wanted
you have it in your hand
yours, not mine, it will be
as was written in the sand

The ocean will come to take it
but you have the strength of the shore
you will not be broken
like all the waves before

I know I should be happy
for you, to come so far
but all I feel is jealousy
and I try to hide this scar

I will run away, sail along
the waves will take me in
I will leave you in your fairytale
Lucky as can be

I myself think the first rhyme is cliche and cheesy - I am not sure if somebody else would start of like that I would even bother to read the poem any further. However, I do not know how else to draw the sand/ocean into it.
The imaginary is seriously flawed. If he (who's lucky) is strong as the shore, of course it won't be broken as the waves: he will be the one to break the waves. Especially as I want to be the one who is disappointed to be connected to the ever flowing and moving water, while he who has found what I was looking for is on the steady land.
Verse 3, again such a cheesy rhyme :p
I kind of like verse 4, but only by not desperately making it to rhyme :brickwall.

So, to wrap it up: I had an idea and could not put it to words. Any ideas on how to make this work? Should I loose the rhyme? What scheme should I use then, for otherwise it just becomes "random thoughts thrown to the page"-poetry. Trust me, that is what has happened until now ;) This was me trying to do something more "shape like" :lol:

Coming to think of it, no idea why that last sentence starts with a capital - but it seems right. I am trying to figure out a punctuation, but not getting very far with it. I do not like to prescribe how it should flow...

[BienvenuJDC]

don't worry about capitalization or punctuation...
It is good. I personally like the rhyme, as long as you don't use cheesy words to force it...I don't think that any of it is cheesy, cliched, or forced. You may want to try to end the second line of verse four with 'me' to rhyme with 'be'...you're not far from there...

Sounds great!!

[skib]

Honestly, I didn't think any part of it was strained or cheesy. It all made sense in my head, so I would say leave it as is.

[PrinceMyshkin]

All I ever wanted
you have it in your hand
yours, not mine, it will be
as was written in the sand

The ocean will come to take it
but you have the strength of the shore
you will not be broken
like all the waves before

I know I should be happy
for you, to come so far
but all I feel is jealousy
and I try to hide this scar

I will run away, sail along
the waves will take me in
I will leave you in your fairytale
Lucky as can be

[COLOR="Blue"]I myself think the first rhyme is cliche and cheesy - I am not sure if somebody else would start of like that I would even bother to read the poem any further. However, I do not know how else to draw the sand/ocean into it.
The imaginary is seriously flawed. If he (who's lucky) is strong as the shore, of course it won't be broken as the waves: he will be the one to break the waves. Especially as I want to be the one who is disappointed to be connected to the ever flowing and moving water, while he who has found what I was looking for is on the steady land.
Verse 3, again such a cheesy rhyme :p
I kind of like verse 4, but only by not desperately making it to rhyme :brickwall.

Honestly, you're much too hard on yourself. I thought the rhymes in the first 2 verses were okay, but I didn't like it in the 3rd verse, principally because "scar" seemed too overtly self-pitying.

And I'm in flat disagreement with you about the absence of whyme in the last verse because you'd established a pattern, something one's mind is likely to cling to once it has been noticed so either get rid of the rhymes in 1-3 or find the way to conclude with one.


So, to wrap it up: I had an idea and could not put it to words. Any ideas on how to make this work? Should I loose the rhyme? What scheme should I use then, for otherwise it just becomes "random thoughts thrown to the page"-poetry. Trust me, that is what has happened until now ;) This was me trying to do something more "shape like" :lol:

Coming to think of it, no idea why that last sentence starts with a capital - but it seems right. I am trying to figure out a punctuation, but not getting very far with it. I do not like to prescribe how it should flow...

Again , you are congenitally hard on yourself. There are virtually innumerable reasons to write a poem, but not the least of them is to enjoy doing so.

And not so by the way, you more of it you do, the better you are likely to get. (But heartbreak is a [naughty word for a female dog] to write about.)

[Lokasenna]

Don't be so hard on yourself, Sapphire!

It's a great poem - and don't ever think otherwise. Although rhyme isn't necessary, its use certainly does not detract from the poem - I myself write almost exclusively in rhyme; to each their personal style.

You should be pleased with what you have achieved, and anything that you think is deficient with it (although, from the perspective of a third party, I really don't think there's much to complain about!), you should just keep in mind for your future poetry writing.

[Sapphire]

Wow guys, that is really very sweet of you all :redface:

@BienvenuJDC
Thank you for that. I did not see it could be that easy :) I could just leave the "in" and it would rhyme indeed.

@Skib
Thank you, I am glad to read it can make sense.

@PrinceMyshkin
I think you are onto something - maybe scar is not cheesy, but the word you choose ("self-pity") or at least "too much". I will think about how to make this work in a different way.
And thank you :) I definitely enjoy writing it, but you can enjoy that without sharing. So to post something here, I would like it to be ... well, I don't know. Not just something I myself can do something with.

@Lokasenna
Thank you for the uplifting talk :D

It was very interesting to read all your comments. Thanks for taking the time. It is definitely instructive to post something in here :D

[breathtest]

It reads like a song and flows really well. I always tend to think that rhyming in poetry is forced unless it comes naturally and spontaneously without any thought, however the way you have used it here isn't all that bad. No cheesy words put in just to make up the rhyme even though you said you thought some of it was.