Advice, anyone?

[ajoe]

Well, I don't really want to go into the details, but what would you do if someone (basically still a kid) who recently came to live with you and your family pisses you off by freely using/consuming things at home without thinking of replacing them when they're all gone? And when he did buy something using his money (e.g. shampoo), he actually kept track of which person used how much? Also he steals our money even though we are yet to prove it. (Any suggestion how?)

Okay, so we're related by blood (unfortunately), but if you actually steal from us (on top of your shameless freeloading act), I so don't consider you a family.

And by the way, this kid already liked to steal toys and stuff when he was a toddler or so. And then when he was older he learned from his father who liked to corrupt some money from his company. So it's nature PLUS nurture. Any way to correct this messed-up behavior?

[/half-rant]

[Logos]

I had a friend who used to do this ajoe, and the worst thing about it was nobody wanted to be `the bad guy' in calling them on it, they wanted to just avoid confrontation with them, it was very annoying.

I would hope that the rest of your un-pilfering family agree with you that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable?

Maybe sit down with the rest of your family and figure out what rules you will put forth to this kid, as simply as possible, so that they know and understand fully and completely that there are consequences to this behaviour?
(and you would have to decide what consequences they would be ie: curfew etc. which I assume your parents would be enforcing)


If your family doesn't want to do that, then I guess you're on your own in defending yourself and your property. Like every time something of yours goes missing, or is used, tell everyone, stating the facts, that you've yet again found out this kind of thing. Once you start to talk out loud about it, without trying to blame and shame and getting emotional about it, maybe they will stop doing it on their own.


It sounds like this kid is well on their way to becoming a juvenile offender or worse. Every time they get away with being sneaky or outright taking something, they continue to enjoy that power they have over others. Don't give it to them anymore.

[ajoe]

Actually, the victim is not myself alone, but the rest of my family. We never really made a big deal about money and our "personal" stuff (which everyone uses) before, but this kid definitely took advantage of our leniency. For example, we used to have a jar right near the front door where I usually threw in scattered coins that belonged to who-knows-who. Everyone would take some every now and then and I would refill the jar with the coins I found all over the house/car. Well guess what? After he came, the coins in the bowl disappeared rather quickly. It turned out he used the dimes and nickels to get soda from the vending machine at his school. It was a little unpractical, sure, but apparently he didn't mind as long as he wasn't wasting his own money. It pissed off especially me because while that jar was for everyone, there was at least $10 there, and me being stingy in general, I shiver at the thought of what that amount was wasted on.

As for the stealing, it's mostly money, too, but about how that could happen regularly, it's a little personal so I'll skip the story.

And yeah, since we haven't caught him red-handed so far (because he's a sneaky snake like that), we can't really accuse him without proof and then have some misunderstanding with his parents, which could lead to an even worse problem.

To tell you the truth, I used to be sort of like him, though I didn't downright steal but just didn't return lost things I found on the streets, but yea, I've reformed and am for the most part honest. :nod: I mentioned this cause now I'm just thinking of that saying that goes something like "If you want to catch a wild mustang you need to be a wild mustang" and I'm considering to start stealing things from him. But I'm not sure if that would show him or would make him think his stealing is justified. (He probably lacks the sense to judge in general.)

Wow, this is getting really personal. Ah well, who knows, maybe he'd stumble upon this forum somehow and realize we are not that stupid and his stealing does not go unnoticed.

[Chava]

i wouldn't steal from him.....

[Stanislaw]

Stealing from him wouldn't be a good idea, it would irrate him, and he would probably rat you out and get you introuble.

Can you evict the bum???

Another bit of advice, go to a hardware store and by a locking, key lock for your bedroom door, and well lock it and don't give him the key.

Maybe talk to him and tell him if he doesn't stop you'll set his hair on fire! :flare:

well concievably the last idea is not the best. ;)

[Helga]

I agree with the few above, not to steal from him. That would be like sinking to his level. I will admit that I wasn't a perfect kid and when I found something I didn't return it. But it didn't take me a long time realizing what I was doing and that it was very wrong. I don't think I've ever been as honest in my life as I am today and that makes my happy to think how I have grown.

But this kid needs ruels.Since he's living in your house but you did mention his parents I think there is a bigger problem behind everything that you want to keep for yourself. He needs to know that this is very wrong. He probably dosen't realize how serious this is, I know I didn't when I was a kid. I think Logos was right and I would try his way!....

Let us know how things work out.

[baddad]

Yeah, disposing of the body is always the toughest part of any plan..(my $0.02 worth)

[ajoe]

Can you evict the bum???


I wish I could, but he's still underage and my parents are sort of his guardians. And unfortunately we were also the ones who encouraged him to come. In our defense, the last time we saw him he was still this somewhat-innocent, harmless kid. Who knew he could turn out that way?

Right now I'm thinking of starting to be really sarcastic to him, but we'll see.

[kilted exile]

Ok, what i would probably do is start playing a bunch of practical jokes on him (red dye in his shampoo etc.). Also I would start putting post-it notes on all my stuff just so he realises to ask before taking something.

[subterranean]

Is this kid come from a troubled family? Or does he has problems or having a bad times???

If yes, that explain why he's acting like that..Look the background first then you'll figure out how to solve the problem...

[ajoe]

Ok, what i would probably do is start playing a bunch of practical jokes on him (red dye in his shampoo etc.). Also I would start putting post-it notes on all my stuff just so he realises to ask before taking something.

Actually, we all use the same shampoo. Even if he did buy shampoo for himself, he probably would use ours whenever he can (not that we can tell, right?)


Is this kid come from a troubled family? Or does he has problems or having a bad times???

If yes, that explain why he's acting like that..Look the background first then you'll figure out how to solve the problem...

Not exactly a troubled family. Remember when I said he liked to steal toys and stuff he found fascinating when he was a kid? Well, his father got offended when we scolded him. I think it's because this kid always saw that his father would always defend him that he could get away with anything.

Also, still like I said, his father liked to corrupt money from the company he's working at. For example, suppose his boss tells him to buy something. The father then buys something using his money at the price of, say, $5. Because most of the receipts he receives are hand-written, he can easily adds a 1 or a 0 and makes it $15 or $50 depending on his mood. Then the boss will pay him back as much as what the receipt says and so the father actually gets some money for free.

This kid lived his life knowing what his father does, so really we can't blame him for thinking it's all right to do so. Still, it pisses me off cause here I am saving all the money whenever possible and there he is squandering our money just because he "got" it for free/doesn't work for it.

For someone who lives in our house for basically free, it's very ungrateful of him. He doesn't even volunteer to do any chores. What a lazy bastard.

[baddad]

Okay, yeah, my first answer to this trouble was a bit off the cuff, an attempt at humour........but the following is decidedly not!!! And remember, AJOE, you have asked for opinions.

Children must be beaten when they are young. It is a little too late to try and tell a child the difference between right and wrong when they act up at age 10,12,or 14 (the parents should have dealt with the child earlier) Beat them when they are young. By the time a child has reached 4-5-6 years of age they must understand the concepts of right vs. wrong, respect for others, respect for self, and the difference between having an opinion ( which they must be taught they are allowed to have as long as it is presented respectfully) and demanding to get their own way at all times (this of course, is the parents job). Children must be beaten when they are young. A child of 6-7 years old begins to come in contact with influences outside the home, at school, on the playground, interacting with peers at b-day parties, sleepovers, etc (parents should have anticipated this) Waning influence by the parents at this stage of a child's life precludes having the child's undivided attention when their character is being molded (the parents job), and lamenting the unruly child, or wondering why their behaviour is not all it should be (parents teach respectful behavior), or wishing junior would suddenly un-learn all the bad habits conditioned into him by the parents behavior (spoiling him, putting up with disrespect at a young age, *but honey,I don't want the baby to hate me-syndrome*....and all its many manifestations by vboth mother and father).......

....ok, it is obvious what you need to do with your house guest. Track down his parents, take away their privelages, ground them for 6 months for not teaching their child the most fundamental lessons in life.....and spank them once a day with a shovel for contributing another little punk to the world because they didn't have the fortitude to do the job the volunteered for, Parenting. As for the house guest, realize his lack of better training, accept that he has a long way to go to learn respect (it is quite possible he may never learn it now) and do your best to befriend a boy who has been ripped off by his parents weakness, and thrust into a world that will show him no mercy once he makes the leap from adolescent to an adult who is ill equiped to function in the real world........poor kid......gonna have a hellava tough time until he learns......if he learns......

Yeah, and the 'beat them when they are young' method is not meant to be literal. Children need their own space. Draw the line in the sand. Allow them to do whatever they want on their side of the line (Within reason. The line moves as they grow older), but if they cross it, (disrespect, tantrums, stealing, violence, hitting, biting, etc,) there must be repercussions. Parenting 101. A monkey could do it............

[IWilKikU]

I had a pesky-pest like yours living with me twice. Both times what worked was confrontation. Yeah, it caused some friction. One of these people still doesn't talk to me, which is fine. The other is now a functioning member of human society. You've just got to comunicate with people, of course these two weren't 'basically still kids'.

[Bandini]

Baddad - the 'beat' is used metaphorically, yeah? Otherwise I'm in agreement. BUT - ajoe? are you sure you aren't just labelling this kid? Perhaps you're expecting this behaviour (the "stealing...toddler" gives this away somewhat!)? Sounds to me like he/she's a black sheep, and it's easy to scapegoat a black sheep- means you don't have to deal with family problems - and everyone feels good! Apart from the scape goatee. He might be a real twat, and I could be wrong. But my guess is he/she probably doesn't have much (hence the protectiveness over his stuff) and is feeling **** about all this. Of course, there are some real w****rs who are beyond help. Perhaps you could spend time 'chilling' with this person - go out, do something together? If not, then perhaps you just don't gel? Me and my brother love each other, and always got on, but when he split with his Mrs. he came to live with me and we fought like f***. We get on fine again now - although I must admit it will always be a little different now. Just try to understand him/her and remember ther'll be atime when you're not under each other's feet.

[Bandini]

Just read another of your posts - hasty before. I don't think he is probably bad; just that he does things that he doesn't consider a problem. Some might say you are being a little petty? But then I don't know the whole story.

[Bandini]

Aggghhh! Just read another - I'll read them all first in future! "Who knew he'd turn out this way?" What? Using your shampoo??? Jesus Christ! The guy needs a big break! Read some material on 'scapegoating' 'labeling theory' and 'self fulfilling prophecy' in a basic psychology book - otherwise everyone's going to be very unhappy soon! Course I could have missed a vital post and got this all wrong!