Chilly
04-11-2009, 02:09 PM
I'm practicing writing and came up with this quick story. I know it's not that good but i want to get better so can you give me any feedback, especially on how its written?
Another Afternoon Tea
He walked down the hill of neatly lined up, stone-made English houses until he saw the one he was looking for. It’s not that this house looked any different; it had the same height, frame and lack of vegetation as all the others; this house was simply owned by his friend, Horatio Venables. After arriving at the door and knocking lightly, a jovial man opened the door.
“Ay, Mister Blandford once again you’re right on time,” the man said in a polite manner.
“Oh Please, Wilkins, You only say that because you don’t have a pocket watch on you; It’s impossible for a man to appear at the same place at the exact same time everyday. Now, Is Horatio in by any chance?”
“Aye, he’s inside catching up on his Latin but come in, please.” Wilkins moved aside so that he could enter then led the way into the parlor where a man was reading at a table.
He saw them come in, got up and walked towards them happily. “Edward Blandford! My, I wasn’t expecting you at all,” he chuckled. “Darling,” he yelled into the kitchen, “Could you bring out the tea and crumpets?”
Horatio and his wife, Agnes, were well off but they did not like to show it; they wanted to seem normal to there middle and lower class friends. So they lived in a shabby little place with an ugly exterior and delayed repairing any damages for months. Although they had a butler (whom they paid quite well) and some descent interior qualities they certainly never waived there flag around so people knew it existed. One of these “interior qualities” was their tea, which came straight from India and, at least Agnes claimed, was cane sugar preserved from the slaving days, which was supposedly better. This, and the good company, was why Edward came to their house after closing shop every Tuesday.
“You don’t have to yell, dear” Agnes replied as she brought the tea and crumpets on a platter. “Oh, hello Blandford, I didn’t see you there. How was your week?” she smiled, placed the tea on the table and sat down beside it.
“Hello Agnes, my week was decently presumptuous to be honest. As you know I established a “mutual bond” between the new bookstore keeper in Dorchester so that we aid each others businesses if we must. So on Friday I had too many copies of the “Organic Chemistry and Its Application to Physiology and Pathology” and he had too many copies of “The Innocents Abroad” so I talked him into doing a trade.”
“This is all truly fascinating,” Agnes interrupted, “but before we go on I must recall how you drink your tea. Is it prelactarian? 2 spoonfuls of sugar or 3? What kind of milk and how much?”
“Oh, of course, I prefer my tea prelactarian with 2 heaping spoonfuls of sugar but you can do it anyway you like; however I won’t compliment it.” He watched as she took the milk then the teapot and gently poured them into the same porcelain cup then added sugar. Blandford stirred it then tasted its liquid. “That is truly a good cup, it does in fact warm up the body and enlightens the mind as people always say”. He savored the hot drink for a few minutes than continued with his story. “As I was saying, I traded with this man: 25 copies of Organic Chemistry and Its Application to Physiology and Pathology for 100 copies of Innocents Abroad. ”
“My lord,” Agnes said, “It sounds like you robbed the poor man.”
“I did indeed, Madame,” Edward chuckled, “After a move that foolish he may run out of business.”
Horatio roared with laughter; “quite” he said, “quite”
“How can you laugh at this?” Agnes was upset.
Horatio continued chuckling as he cleaned his glasses with a handkerchief he had pulled from his vest. “That was a good enough laugh for a day” he spoke quietly.
“Indeed, indeed” Edward replied
Wilkins appeared from the kitchen. “Honestly, sirs if you asked myself I would be much more interested in reading about science instead of innocence abroad.”
Edward looked up, teacup in hand. “I don’t think you fully understand, Jeeves, please explain it to him, Horatio, would you?”
“You see, Wilkins, that book on chemistry was written 25 years ago by a German nut no one gives a penny for while Innocents Abroad is the latest book by a rising American author called, umm, Samuel Clemens, I believe, or was it Mark Twain? Either way, because this book is newer and is fiction it will be more popular and get more sails which means more money.”
Horatio smiled awkwardly and used a tone of voice reserved for dogs and small children.
“You don’t need to treat me like someone in grade school you know.”
At that moment there was a knock at the door and Horatio ordered Wilkins to open it.
“Did you say American?” Horatio said to Edward, “I really dislike Americans, you know. They’re always trying to do things better than us English. First, they tried to govern themselves better than us and fight us better than ourselves and now they’re trying to write better than us. Its despicable”
“Your reasons for hating them seems illogical so I really don’t agree with what you say.”
“But you will defend my right to say it, yes?”
“That was said by Voltaire in 1770” a proud voice beamed from the entrance. Edward, Horatio and Agnes glanced that way and saw two men accompanied by Wilkins. The first, the one that spoke, was a pompous, clean-shaven man in his late forties that was very fat. He had rich, upper class clothing including a top hat that covered his balding head, a monocle and an elaborate gold and black cane. The second man was decently dressed but his clothing where in a dirtier condition and he wore nothing elaborate.
“I am, as you must surely know, the infamous Richard P. Badgerbrook of Chapelhay, 2nd Viscount of Weymouth, 432nd in line to the British throne and son of Braxton Badgerbrook who once had tea with the queen.”
Horatio cringed at the sight. “What are you doing here, Dick? I was expecting to have an enjoyable afternoon but with you here I can’t say that will happen.”
“Pardon? Is this how you would treat a guest? How rude.” Richard pouted as he gave his cane and top hat to Wilkins and sat down. “May I also remind you that my name is Richard and not Dick?””
“May I also remind you that I did not expect you here or want you here and that although you may be a guest you are certainly an unintentional one and one I can be lewd towards in my own household whether you approve or not!” Horatio raised his voice and everyone else felt uncomfortable. They did not expect such hard feelings to appear so suddenly and Edward had to break the silence by welcoming the person he didn’t know. He stood up and warmly greeted the mustachioed man who came with Richard.
“Good evening, sir, I don’t believe we’ve met, I am Edward Blandford.”
“I’m not really a sir,” he replied.
“Pardon?” Edward asked bewilderedly.
“Well I’ve never been knighted so you can’t call me sir”
“It doesn’t matter if you’ve been knighted or not. Saying sir is a formal way to greet someone, at least here in Dorset. I am not sure if the same custom applies to where you’re from, though, wherever that may be, mister...?” Edward slowly raised an eyebrow.
“Can I use your loo?” The man responded and after seeing Edward’s and everyone else’s confused faces continued. “Or whichever one may be closest, because you wouldn’t want my other kidney to be lost in battle too, would you?”
“He makes a very good point,” Richard stated.
Agnes stood up and kindly led him to the bathroom. “Who was that man?” she asked after returning.
“He calls himself Charlie Piddle and I frankly don’t have a clue of what he does for a living. However he is more than willing to do any menial task for me without pay so I am more than willing to bring him to social gatherings. I hope you don’t mind,” Richard said earnestly.
“It’s quite alright, I found him rather exotic” Wilkins responded.
“I don’t think he asked for your opinion, Jeeves,” Horatio snapped, “and don’t you have work to do instead of listening in on conversations for an hour?” Wilkins apologized and disappeared into the kitchen
“Honesty, Venables, I thought that if a poor man like you had a servant you would at least treat him well.” Richard remarked while taking Blandford’s cup and poring tea into it. Edward quietly watched with interest as it happened and did not complain.
“I am not poor, I am simply humble and proud of it.”
Richard snorted. After preparing his drink he tasted it and an intensely sour look came on his face. “Oh dear me, it seems like a mole rat impregnated by a 300 pound chimp must have been burnt up by acid and gotten into the mixture for that tea is more rancid than Horatio Nelson’s 60 year old piss.” The entire house was shocked to hear it; even the flies stopped buzzing and settled down.
“This is truly despicable.” Horatio Venables said quietly as his face grew redder by the minute. “First you waltz in uninvited, then he uses the bathroom, then you use an already used teacup, then you insult the tea and finally you insult one of the greatest men that ever lived. Do not insult that person. Did you know my great-grandfather was his most loyal officer? That my great-grandfather was the only sailor allowed to bring his wife and child onboard? My great-grandfather was the only man who ever even considered taking a cannonball for him and by doing so helped Horatio Nelson live for 5 minutes longer. So how dare you utter a single word against that man, that man saved this country you know! If it weren’t for him England would be an enslaved place. Get out! Get out of my house or I will kick you out and beat you so you’ll never come back in. Get out and leave me be-let me live a life of grief for that early-deceased hero. My must you do this? Why must you make life a nuisance? Such a living hell? At every time in my life you have come in and disrupted my peace! Get out! Get out I say!” he cried in agony. His shrieks went from anger to depression and soon his entire face was beet red and covered in tears, it was a sad sight.
“Although I wouldn’t mind seeing a Scotsman do so, I will not watch an Englishman cry over spilled milk. Even if I expected tonight to be unruly I did not expect it to be unreasonable and you, sir, have gone far beyond that line. If I am in any way responsible I am sorry but until you realize that I did not offend you I will not ask for pardon. Until then I will grant your wish and leave.” Richard spoke hastily and awkwardly. As he left he saw Charlie Piddle come in from the front door and Richard asked: “What where you doing out there?”
“I...got lost,” he mumbled then they both left.
As Agnes comforted Horatio, Edward stood up and announced his departure as well. Agnes quickly said goodbye than went back to hushing Horatio’s loud sobs. Then, Wilkins appeared and offered to lead Edward out.
“I think,” Wilkins muttered as they walked down the hallway, “it would have been best if they had never come, this evening.”
“I think it would have been best if I had never come, or anyone for that matter. Thank you for the company though, Wilkins.”
“Please, from now on just call me Jeeves.”
“Alright, have a good night, Jeeves.”
And so, Edward left the house on the hill with a sense of urgency. In 9 years of a friendship with Venables he had never seen him act that way and it was eerie how easily Richard struck his nerves. Edward had always wanted to see what would happen if Horatio was pushed beyond that line and covertly tried to push it himself. However, now that he had seen it he did not know what to think. Next weeks teatime would be uncomfortable at best and Edward wasn’t sure if he should continue trying to bother Horatio or to stop. Perhaps he should just stop going to Horatio’s house every week.
Another Afternoon Tea
He walked down the hill of neatly lined up, stone-made English houses until he saw the one he was looking for. It’s not that this house looked any different; it had the same height, frame and lack of vegetation as all the others; this house was simply owned by his friend, Horatio Venables. After arriving at the door and knocking lightly, a jovial man opened the door.
“Ay, Mister Blandford once again you’re right on time,” the man said in a polite manner.
“Oh Please, Wilkins, You only say that because you don’t have a pocket watch on you; It’s impossible for a man to appear at the same place at the exact same time everyday. Now, Is Horatio in by any chance?”
“Aye, he’s inside catching up on his Latin but come in, please.” Wilkins moved aside so that he could enter then led the way into the parlor where a man was reading at a table.
He saw them come in, got up and walked towards them happily. “Edward Blandford! My, I wasn’t expecting you at all,” he chuckled. “Darling,” he yelled into the kitchen, “Could you bring out the tea and crumpets?”
Horatio and his wife, Agnes, were well off but they did not like to show it; they wanted to seem normal to there middle and lower class friends. So they lived in a shabby little place with an ugly exterior and delayed repairing any damages for months. Although they had a butler (whom they paid quite well) and some descent interior qualities they certainly never waived there flag around so people knew it existed. One of these “interior qualities” was their tea, which came straight from India and, at least Agnes claimed, was cane sugar preserved from the slaving days, which was supposedly better. This, and the good company, was why Edward came to their house after closing shop every Tuesday.
“You don’t have to yell, dear” Agnes replied as she brought the tea and crumpets on a platter. “Oh, hello Blandford, I didn’t see you there. How was your week?” she smiled, placed the tea on the table and sat down beside it.
“Hello Agnes, my week was decently presumptuous to be honest. As you know I established a “mutual bond” between the new bookstore keeper in Dorchester so that we aid each others businesses if we must. So on Friday I had too many copies of the “Organic Chemistry and Its Application to Physiology and Pathology” and he had too many copies of “The Innocents Abroad” so I talked him into doing a trade.”
“This is all truly fascinating,” Agnes interrupted, “but before we go on I must recall how you drink your tea. Is it prelactarian? 2 spoonfuls of sugar or 3? What kind of milk and how much?”
“Oh, of course, I prefer my tea prelactarian with 2 heaping spoonfuls of sugar but you can do it anyway you like; however I won’t compliment it.” He watched as she took the milk then the teapot and gently poured them into the same porcelain cup then added sugar. Blandford stirred it then tasted its liquid. “That is truly a good cup, it does in fact warm up the body and enlightens the mind as people always say”. He savored the hot drink for a few minutes than continued with his story. “As I was saying, I traded with this man: 25 copies of Organic Chemistry and Its Application to Physiology and Pathology for 100 copies of Innocents Abroad. ”
“My lord,” Agnes said, “It sounds like you robbed the poor man.”
“I did indeed, Madame,” Edward chuckled, “After a move that foolish he may run out of business.”
Horatio roared with laughter; “quite” he said, “quite”
“How can you laugh at this?” Agnes was upset.
Horatio continued chuckling as he cleaned his glasses with a handkerchief he had pulled from his vest. “That was a good enough laugh for a day” he spoke quietly.
“Indeed, indeed” Edward replied
Wilkins appeared from the kitchen. “Honestly, sirs if you asked myself I would be much more interested in reading about science instead of innocence abroad.”
Edward looked up, teacup in hand. “I don’t think you fully understand, Jeeves, please explain it to him, Horatio, would you?”
“You see, Wilkins, that book on chemistry was written 25 years ago by a German nut no one gives a penny for while Innocents Abroad is the latest book by a rising American author called, umm, Samuel Clemens, I believe, or was it Mark Twain? Either way, because this book is newer and is fiction it will be more popular and get more sails which means more money.”
Horatio smiled awkwardly and used a tone of voice reserved for dogs and small children.
“You don’t need to treat me like someone in grade school you know.”
At that moment there was a knock at the door and Horatio ordered Wilkins to open it.
“Did you say American?” Horatio said to Edward, “I really dislike Americans, you know. They’re always trying to do things better than us English. First, they tried to govern themselves better than us and fight us better than ourselves and now they’re trying to write better than us. Its despicable”
“Your reasons for hating them seems illogical so I really don’t agree with what you say.”
“But you will defend my right to say it, yes?”
“That was said by Voltaire in 1770” a proud voice beamed from the entrance. Edward, Horatio and Agnes glanced that way and saw two men accompanied by Wilkins. The first, the one that spoke, was a pompous, clean-shaven man in his late forties that was very fat. He had rich, upper class clothing including a top hat that covered his balding head, a monocle and an elaborate gold and black cane. The second man was decently dressed but his clothing where in a dirtier condition and he wore nothing elaborate.
“I am, as you must surely know, the infamous Richard P. Badgerbrook of Chapelhay, 2nd Viscount of Weymouth, 432nd in line to the British throne and son of Braxton Badgerbrook who once had tea with the queen.”
Horatio cringed at the sight. “What are you doing here, Dick? I was expecting to have an enjoyable afternoon but with you here I can’t say that will happen.”
“Pardon? Is this how you would treat a guest? How rude.” Richard pouted as he gave his cane and top hat to Wilkins and sat down. “May I also remind you that my name is Richard and not Dick?””
“May I also remind you that I did not expect you here or want you here and that although you may be a guest you are certainly an unintentional one and one I can be lewd towards in my own household whether you approve or not!” Horatio raised his voice and everyone else felt uncomfortable. They did not expect such hard feelings to appear so suddenly and Edward had to break the silence by welcoming the person he didn’t know. He stood up and warmly greeted the mustachioed man who came with Richard.
“Good evening, sir, I don’t believe we’ve met, I am Edward Blandford.”
“I’m not really a sir,” he replied.
“Pardon?” Edward asked bewilderedly.
“Well I’ve never been knighted so you can’t call me sir”
“It doesn’t matter if you’ve been knighted or not. Saying sir is a formal way to greet someone, at least here in Dorset. I am not sure if the same custom applies to where you’re from, though, wherever that may be, mister...?” Edward slowly raised an eyebrow.
“Can I use your loo?” The man responded and after seeing Edward’s and everyone else’s confused faces continued. “Or whichever one may be closest, because you wouldn’t want my other kidney to be lost in battle too, would you?”
“He makes a very good point,” Richard stated.
Agnes stood up and kindly led him to the bathroom. “Who was that man?” she asked after returning.
“He calls himself Charlie Piddle and I frankly don’t have a clue of what he does for a living. However he is more than willing to do any menial task for me without pay so I am more than willing to bring him to social gatherings. I hope you don’t mind,” Richard said earnestly.
“It’s quite alright, I found him rather exotic” Wilkins responded.
“I don’t think he asked for your opinion, Jeeves,” Horatio snapped, “and don’t you have work to do instead of listening in on conversations for an hour?” Wilkins apologized and disappeared into the kitchen
“Honesty, Venables, I thought that if a poor man like you had a servant you would at least treat him well.” Richard remarked while taking Blandford’s cup and poring tea into it. Edward quietly watched with interest as it happened and did not complain.
“I am not poor, I am simply humble and proud of it.”
Richard snorted. After preparing his drink he tasted it and an intensely sour look came on his face. “Oh dear me, it seems like a mole rat impregnated by a 300 pound chimp must have been burnt up by acid and gotten into the mixture for that tea is more rancid than Horatio Nelson’s 60 year old piss.” The entire house was shocked to hear it; even the flies stopped buzzing and settled down.
“This is truly despicable.” Horatio Venables said quietly as his face grew redder by the minute. “First you waltz in uninvited, then he uses the bathroom, then you use an already used teacup, then you insult the tea and finally you insult one of the greatest men that ever lived. Do not insult that person. Did you know my great-grandfather was his most loyal officer? That my great-grandfather was the only sailor allowed to bring his wife and child onboard? My great-grandfather was the only man who ever even considered taking a cannonball for him and by doing so helped Horatio Nelson live for 5 minutes longer. So how dare you utter a single word against that man, that man saved this country you know! If it weren’t for him England would be an enslaved place. Get out! Get out of my house or I will kick you out and beat you so you’ll never come back in. Get out and leave me be-let me live a life of grief for that early-deceased hero. My must you do this? Why must you make life a nuisance? Such a living hell? At every time in my life you have come in and disrupted my peace! Get out! Get out I say!” he cried in agony. His shrieks went from anger to depression and soon his entire face was beet red and covered in tears, it was a sad sight.
“Although I wouldn’t mind seeing a Scotsman do so, I will not watch an Englishman cry over spilled milk. Even if I expected tonight to be unruly I did not expect it to be unreasonable and you, sir, have gone far beyond that line. If I am in any way responsible I am sorry but until you realize that I did not offend you I will not ask for pardon. Until then I will grant your wish and leave.” Richard spoke hastily and awkwardly. As he left he saw Charlie Piddle come in from the front door and Richard asked: “What where you doing out there?”
“I...got lost,” he mumbled then they both left.
As Agnes comforted Horatio, Edward stood up and announced his departure as well. Agnes quickly said goodbye than went back to hushing Horatio’s loud sobs. Then, Wilkins appeared and offered to lead Edward out.
“I think,” Wilkins muttered as they walked down the hallway, “it would have been best if they had never come, this evening.”
“I think it would have been best if I had never come, or anyone for that matter. Thank you for the company though, Wilkins.”
“Please, from now on just call me Jeeves.”
“Alright, have a good night, Jeeves.”
And so, Edward left the house on the hill with a sense of urgency. In 9 years of a friendship with Venables he had never seen him act that way and it was eerie how easily Richard struck his nerves. Edward had always wanted to see what would happen if Horatio was pushed beyond that line and covertly tried to push it himself. However, now that he had seen it he did not know what to think. Next weeks teatime would be uncomfortable at best and Edward wasn’t sure if he should continue trying to bother Horatio or to stop. Perhaps he should just stop going to Horatio’s house every week.