Mixed Classics Class in a Catholic Girls' School

[Silas Thorne]

One day a ghost-grey eye-lock of promise
straddling two classrooms
brought down the teacher's voice in mine.
I remember that day was raining Greek gods.
If only I was Ares to your Aphrodite
drunken Dionysus to a dancing nymph
then those imposed boundaries of the hour
would have held no meaning
that swagger-stagger path to you
would without effort knock holes in the walls
enough for love to enter,
and the one-eyed sun, brightly glaring above us,
would have faded at my presence.
But as it was
I sat and waited, the shrill bell rang,
scaring the young sheep to the shadows under trees
where love was not.

Still needs some work as it is, and as it isn't. Would welcome any suggestions, just want to get it out there. :)

Silas Thorne 6/4/09

[The Comedian]

Hey Silas Thorne,

I liked your poem, but since you implied that you wanted some feedback, I thought I'd offer some. here goes.


One day a ghost-grey eye-lock of promise

Faulkner had some good advice about writing that always pains me to follow, but when I do I usually write something better. His advice was this: "kill the pretty ones."

It just seems too pretty.


I remember that day was raining Greek gods.
If only I was Ares to your Aphrodite
drunken Dionysus to a dancing nymph

Dancing nymphs?


then those imposed boundaries of the hour
would have held no meaning

Love this line -- it describes great value of structured time, even if we often rebel against the structure that gives us meaning.



scaring the young sheep to the shadows under trees
where love was not.

Like this last line except the addition of "where love was not" -- too didactic. Just let the sheep lose, if it's a good poem, we'll know whether there was love or sheep dung under those trees.

Hope I wasn't too harsh. You asked for a critique, and I hope that I gave you some good advice. I'm sure only half of what I said has any value. . . . which half, I don't know. :D

:)

[Silas Thorne]

Thank you! It is under construction, but I'm always happy to accept criticism anytime. :) I think you have given me some good advice here, and I'm not worried if it's a little harsh, since the sword that kills is the sword that gives life. ;)

Yes, maybe I don't need that last line.
... And the first line may be a bit too much. I'll think on it.
There's only one nymph here, so I think I'll keep it as 'nymph' though.

[PrinceMyshkin]

One day a ghost-grey eye-lock of promise
straddling two classrooms
brought down the teacher's voice in mine.
I remember that day was raining Greek gods.
If only I was Ares to your Aphrodite
drunken Dionysus to a dancing nymph
then those imposed boundaries of the hour
would have held no meaning
that swagger-stagger path to you
would without effort knock holes in the walls
enough for love to enter,
and the one-eyed sun, brightly glaring above us,
would have faded at my presence.
But as it was
I sat and waited, the shrill bell rang,
scaring the young sheep to the shadows under trees
where love was not.

Still needs some work as it is, and as it isn't. Would welcome any suggestions, just want to get it out there. :)

Silas Thorne 6/4/09

I can't imagine suggesting any changes to this, which moves with such seemingly effortless grace to that short, sad last line.

[ampoule]

No suggestions. Just enjoyed it muchly.