Dear Photographer:

[The Walker]

I'm new here. I just would like to get some feedback in this one. I'm not a good poet myself, you'll see; but I want to learn. Thanks!
.................................................. .................................................. ....

I asked: “where have you been my whole life, Jon Cartwright.”
As I watched a square dispersing a thousand rays of light to my eyes.
I fell freely inside your land
Through a window without a glass.

They weren’t windows; they were frames.
Frames that transported me to an enchanted city too far away
Every time I spelled your name
What a wonderful way to lose oneself.

As more as I contemplated them
I wondered what your thought were or what was in your head.
I felt like if I knew you for a long time
Even when I knew nothing of your mind.

Meet you in a park. Joint you one day in your walk.
It is too much to ask.
There should be nothing further than my land in your head.
We are two strangers, with different minds,
Different eyes, in different lands, sharing images.

Now, many other names shine on the screen.
Admiration. They all are deservers of it.
The world has plenty of lands still to be seen,
Which have earned my esteem.

Still, you own the first sight that caught my mind.
The admiration of my eyes for your frames will not easily go away.
I’ll always open your page again.

I don’t know who you are or what you really see
But a favor I ask ye.
Don’t stop shooting. Don’t give up the posting in here.
Never stop to see.
For your work, at the other side of the world, as a thanked dweller, I’ll see.

[The Rider]

I really liked this poem, some of the lines seemed a tiny bit stretched, but overall the tone, idea, and writing were all original and fantastic!

Strong emotion, good work!

[PrinceMyshkin]

A good, strong, original concept, well-excuted. I hope you won;t mind if I make some grammatic/stylistic suggestions:



Frames that transported me to an enchanted city too far away
Every time I spelled your nameYou need a period at the end of this line, otherwise it runs into the next line

As more as I contemplated themShould be "The more I contemplated them
And add here :The moreI wondered what your thoughtthoughts were / or thought was were or what was in your head.

Meet you in a park. Joint Joinyou one day in your walk.
Admiration. They all are deservers deservingof it.
But a favor I ask ye."Ye" is archaic and inconsistent with the rest of the language here
Don’t stop shooting. Don’t give up the posting in replace "the posting in" with just "posting"here.
Never stop to see.
For your work, at the other side of the world, [as a thanked dweller, I’ll see.]

Replace these last words with something less forced-sounding

[Virgil]

I did find this interesting. I think Prince's editing looks good. I would eliminate the last stanza altogether. You've made yuour point, there's no need to summarize in a poem. And that stanza was your weakest anyway.

I particularly liked the rhythm of the language. Except for the arcaism (sp?) it felt natural and yet maintained a pleasant pace.

[skib]

Again, Walker, you write extraordinarily well in your second (?) language. Prince summarizes my recommendations thoroughly!

[The Walker]

Rider: thank you very much for comment on it. I really appreciate it.

Prince: I had seen your writing in here and I think you are a great writer. I felt flattered to know you like it. Thanks very much for commenting, specially for the grammar/stylistic suggestions.
"As more as I contemplated themShould be "The more I contemplated them
And add here :The moreI wondered what your thoughtthoughts were / or thought was were or what was in your head." I liked this arrangement way better than mine.

Could you explain me a little better what ‘something less forced-sounding’ means? I tried to do the figuring out but I still don’t get what you meant. Thank you again.

Virgil: thanks for the suggestion. When I first considered it, I didn’t like the idea, but now rereading it again without the last stanza, as you said, I like how it sounded. Still I’m afraid to delete it hehehe

Skib: thank you! Yes, English, my second language. (Which, I love!)

[PrinceMyshkin]

[B]Prince:Could you explain me a little better what ‘something less forced-sounding’ means? I tried to do the figuring out but I still don’t get what you meant. Thank you again.


At very least
For your work, at the other side of the world, as a thanked dweller, I’ll see.

could be something like:


For your work, from the other side of the world, I am a thankful fellow terrestrial!

or if you don't like "terrestrial," you could say something like citizen of the earth

[Lokasenna]

I a very strong and enjoyable effort, though I do agree with Prince's editing. Nonetheless, for a second language its extremely well done!

[Virgil]

Virgil: thanks for the suggestion. When I first considered it, I didn’t like the idea, but now rereading it again without the last stanza, as you said, I like how it sounded. Still I’m afraid to delete it hehehe


I find that the worst stanzas tend to be either at the beginning or at the end. Sometimes at the beginning a writer just doesn't know how to really begin after conceptualizing an idea. Poetry is not like fiction that requires a string of thoughts or settings; one can easily fragment poetry. In that event I recommend starting with the second sentence or second stanza. One can always evaluate it after and reconsider. If the problem is at the back end, I find that one problem can be writers tending to summarize. A summary conclusion may be valid for a college essay, but really it's obsolete in creative works, especially a short poem.

[The Walker]

Lokasenna: thank you very much for the comment :)

Virgil: I will have in mind what you have said in writing poetry. It has been really helpful. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.

[The Walker]

So here is the edited version of my poem (i still dont get used to the idea i write poems hehehe)
Thank you all who commented on it; to Prince specially to give me the grammar suggestions ,)


I asked: “where have you been my whole life, Jon Cartwright.”
As I watched a square dispersing a thousand rays of light to my eyes.
I fell freely inside your land
Through a window without a glass.

They weren’t windows; they were frames.
Frames that transported me to an enchanted city too far away
Every time I spelled your name.
What a wonderful way to lose oneself.

The more I contemplated them
The more I wondered what your thoughts were or what was in your head.
I felt like if I knew you for a long time
Even when I knew nothing of your mind.

Meet you in a park. Join you one day in your walk.
It is too much to ask.
There should be nothing further than my land in your head.
We are two strangers, with different minds,
Different eyes, in different lands, sharing images.

Now, many other names shine on the screen.
Admiration. They all are deserving of it.
The world has plenty of lands still to be seen,
Which have earned my esteem.

Still, you own the first sight that caught my mind.
The admiration of my eyes for your frames will not easily go away.
I’ll always open your page again.