what is "true love"?

[SleepyWitch]

Hey guys,
the phrase "true love" is tossed around a lot on LitNet. I've also come across it in wikipedia articles about different kinds of relationships etc., but it's never really defined there.
So what is "true love"? Someone in another thread said that love only happens once in your lifetime. I'm not sure I buy into that, so I'd like to hear your arguments.
What about friends? If you accept a friend unconditionally, wouldn't that be similar to "true love" even if it has nothing to do with romantic love or sex?
Let's assume that "true love" transcends all kinds of boundaries, e.g. religious ones etc. But does that mean that your "true love" needs to be the person you are married to?
Is "true love" a mental state or does it involve actions, like marrying the person or doing them favours, helping them etc?
hum, my dictionary defines "true love" as "the person that you love". :confused: So does that mean that one can only love one person? If I love my hubby, I can't love my best friend (girl), my teddy bear, my brother, my role model, sunflowers, my aunt etc?
Does "true love" mean that you live happily ever after and agree about everything?
I've been married for almost two weeks. From my limited experience, marriage or long term relationships mean a lot of compromise, bickering about everyday things, doing everyday stuff together (from washing the dishes to going on a day trip). I wouldn't want to be married to anyone else and if my hubby got hit by a car and died tomorrow, I probably wouldn't re-marry. But on the whole, "true love" sounds way too fancy and unpractical to describe our relationship.
So, what is "true love"? Is there also "untrue" or "false" love?

[grotto]

Love is not a thing to be gained or a thing to fall in to. Love is beyond recognition and definition by our feeble attempts. You are love, love is part of you and the only way to gain access is to let it be, to be open to it and allow it to fill you. You can’t own it, grasp it or make someone give it to you, it’s free to all.

When we try to label or control, then its infatuation and obsession, control of a feeling we don’t want to end. Love knows no end or beginning and for us to assume it is graspable or containable is like trying to hold the ocean in a glass. Love flows like a river, and when you try and contain it, it becomes a stagnant pond. Love exists and is beyond ego control or definition, true love is unconditional, everything else may give you a taste, but when you put conditions on it, you lose it.

We all want protection and security, we all want to feel loved and safe in a cocoon of our own making in this world, but grasping at a feeling and forcing another to give us that security will always fail in one way or another. True love does not seek, your ego does and fear is what keeps you from seeing it. Dualism is the killer of love, the quest for right and wrong, good and bad are what kill love. That you have to do this or that hinders more than helps, not until you can truly let go of your preconceived notions of life can you truly feel love.

Just my opinion and what I have learned. It’s the fantasy that has been perpetuated in religion, novels and other media that keeps us searching. There is nothing to search for, it’s all around you, we’re just too blind to see it for what it really is and what it really is can not be defined in the written or spoken language.

[Granny5]

IMHO, "true love" is commitment, to spouse or family or friend, whoever or whatever.

[billyjack]

love fails; common decency always prevails

[SleepyWitch]

great post, grotto. Personally speaking, I'm not searching for "true love". I'm just curious how people define "true love".

granny, I think it's got a lot to do with commitment, too. But I'm not sure that's what a majority of those who believe in "true love" have in mind. :confused:

[mono]

Many new-age thinkers have tossed around the concept of soul mates, and we can even see evidence of Plato mentioning it in a few regions of his Symposium; most would define this as the often used term "true love." Does "false love" exist? I do not think that I have heard it used, but many individuals will reminisce upon past amores and say to themselves "I didn't love so-and-so. What was I thinking?"
I would call myself no empiricist, but if indeed a transcendental love, beyond our understanding, exists, something greater than the measurable levels of dopamine, various endorphins, and serotonin, no "false love" exists, for something so great could seem nothing except true. I hope not to turn this into a religious discussion, but it seems in the same way that as many individuals believe in love, so Christians believe in God - they have no question of it, no empirical proof other than faith, and there exists no "un-God." Various researchers have attempted to classify and measure love, and some even claim to have found that men and women can fall in and out of love in somewhere between 4-10 seconds. Similarly, how it proves impossible for anyone to identify, classify, nor define an Infinite Being, so it seems congruently true for love. It seems safe to say that we all experience emotions differently, whether happiness, sadness, or anger, and so it seems with love; some appear more susceptible, sensitive, or frivolous - some do not even believe in it at all.
I agree that different qualities of love exist. I believe I have loved a few separate women intimately, but I would never share such affection with my mother, father, or two brothers, primarily because I do not love them in an intimate way; reversibly, I would not treat a significant other in the same way I playfully treat my brothers (we get a bit rough sometimes!).
We claim to love different species; for example, I love my two cats, Quincy and Gustave, and often refer to them as "my children" or "my sons." Do they love me? I would like to think so, and they make fantastic companions; our communication can get a bit impaired, as they understand very few English words, and I do not speak Meownese (as I say), but much of our interaction comes out of affection - I think they like having me around.
Loving inanimate objects? I love my mini-library, a quilt handmade for me by my great-grandmother, given to me at a few weeks old, and other such sentimental things. Children frequently their stuffed animals, security blankets, and such. Many adults love their vehicles, televisions, computers, etc. Loving inanimate objects, however, assumes that we have the ability to love something that cannot love us back; instead, their presumed love comes in the appearance of their virtue and use - rather, I think we "love" what they give us. My mini-library gives me knowledge and my quilt gives me warmth, both of which I prize; children love animated, colorful, anthropomorphic companions (stuffed animals and security blankets); adults love freedom, discovery, communication, transportation, and traveling (vehicles, TV, computers).
Your initial question seems a rhetorical one: "what is 'true love'?" This leads us to other questions that one can only subjectively answer: do you believe in love? Have you experienced love? Who do you love? What do you love? Why do you love? Poets, philosophers, scientists, and everyone else in the world have attempted to explain love, but every definition often fails to describe the "bee's knees." We either believe in love or do not; if we believe in it, we have it, or we do not; if we believe it, whether we have it or not, I feel quite convinced that, in addition, we love love.
Though I know you just married, SleepyWitch, and I again congratulate you both, I must part with something that plagues my mind every time I ponder love, a quotation from Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary. Considering we type on a literature forum, I could not resist.

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This diease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

[Chava]

One of the quotes I admire most about love, states, that falling in love is the collapse of our walls and our barriers. For a few seconds, days, weeks, months, everything is possible. Sooner or later most people start to build their walls again, but sometimes, when you do love someone they will stick around as you hand them the key to the gates.
I don't think that being in love is the same as loving, nor can I believe in this 'true love'. We love differently, and for each infatuation, for each love there are different reasons; relations and lovers of the past do not mean less to me, they just mean something different to me. There is of course great difference between the love of siblings, friends or indeed cats. Some forms of love are so innate that they cannot even be questioned, for the mere act of questioning pulls at your heart strings with pain. Some loves are simply founded on affection, or even fascination.
I think the greatest of loves must be one of understanding, and this is something that can only really come with time. The ability to empathise and be compassionate is very rare, and certainly requries a great deal of love; be it family, friend, or lover. I think I have said it here once before but I believe that the most important thing for a parent is to let their children know that they are loved. I believe that much hapiness would be gained in the world if only people felt more loved.
True Love is perhaps a form of confidence. It is the ability to trust in what you sense, not just what you are told. It is the ability to understand things that are not said, and it is the ability to communicate. Wether or not we recognise this, I do believe that a great deal of our lives revolve around miscommunication, or a misconceived perception of the other individual. I have so many friends who speculate instead of ask.

Perhaps when you truly love someone you are not afraid of asking, and also are not afraid of answering, regardless of the question.

[JBI]

Love is not a thing to be gained or a thing to fall in to. Love is beyond recognition and definition by our feeble attempts. You are love, love is part of you and the only way to gain access is to let it be, to be open to it and allow it to fill you. You can’t own it, grasp it or make someone give it to you, it’s free to all.

When we try to label or control, then its infatuation and obsession, control of a feeling we don’t want to end. Love knows no end or beginning and for us to assume it is graspable or containable is like trying to hold the ocean in a glass. Love flows like a river, and when you try and contain it, it becomes a stagnant pond. Love exists and is beyond ego control or definition, true love is unconditional, everything else may give you a taste, but when you put conditions on it, you lose it.

We all want protection and security, we all want to feel loved and safe in a cocoon of our own making in this world, but grasping at a feeling and forcing another to give us that security will always fail in one way or another. True love does not seek, your ego does and fear is what keeps you from seeing it. Dualism is the killer of love, the quest for right and wrong, good and bad are what kill love. That you have to do this or that hinders more than helps, not until you can truly let go of your preconceived notions of life can you truly feel love.

Just my opinion and what I have learned. It’s the fantasy that has been perpetuated in religion, novels and other media that keeps us searching. There is nothing to search for, it’s all around you, we’re just too blind to see it for what it really is and what it really is can not be defined in the written or spoken language.

Notice your language, you cannot define it, cannot capture it, say nothing truly about it except that it cannot be contained, yet you never give any substantial definition.

In my opinion, true love, as a discourse, does not exist. People can love each other, but I don't particularly believe there is a "true" love, merely a strong love between people.

[The Comedian]

True Love is perhaps a form of confidence. It is the ability to trust in what you sense, not just what you are told.

I like it Chava. This feels right to me.

[blazeofglory]

It is really hard to understnad what true love is and we have no words to define it and no metaphor for comparison.

It is something we cannot describe it.
However love is something that gets conditioned by various factors; and of course love is something that goes with many other factors.

And as a matter of fact I have not seen any example of love that is true and unsullied, pure and holy.

Love is an impulse, a vibration, a quiver. Love is something, a quake and it comes and goes like flashes of light or lightnings and it has no existence permanently.

It is very hard to say what love is exactly.

[grotto]

No problem JBI, I gave “my” answer to a general question. I have no interest in convincing anyone on its merits. I have no interest in proving to those who need to hold their ideal that love is conditional, emotional slavery or that it’s just a set of neurons firing in the brain that stimulate dopamine. We are all entitled to our opinions. I choose the opinion that it is far bigger than can be described in mere words.

I can’t prove love exists any more than you can prove it doesn’t, or that you exist for that matter. Just look at your last sentence! You state it is just a discourse, true love doesn’t exist, you don’t believe in “true love” yet you say that there can be strong love between people. So which is it? Is it false love these people experience? If so, then there must be true love to measure it against. No?

There is more than heaven and earth, and yes, I can not prove that either. I have an imagination, thought and feelings and I can’t prove they are real either where it all originates? I know not from where. I can’t prove anything. My biggest freedom came from no longer trying to prove anything. Being right is of no importance.

[Scheherazade]

love fails; common decency always prevailsYou wanna test that? ;)
In my opinion, true love, as a discourse, does not exist. People can love each other, but I don't particularly believe there is a "true" love, merely a strong love between people.I very much agree with this. "True love" is, in my opinion, just another comforting concepted created to soothe our senses of insecurity and uncertainty. We love people, which means we lower our guards and put our trust in them (some of us, to some degree at least) so we want to assure ourselves that it is no ordinary love; it has to something speacial, something more. It is like us wanting to believe that there is a meaning in this world, in this life we lead; that all was created for a reason; that there will be reward when we die and so on.

Let's love one another; I am all for it but I don't want to try to make it more than what it is; that is, just another emotion (admittedly a great one) because I personally believe that even the "truest" form of love, when tested enough, will fail.

[Virgil]

Here's my two cents: True love is the building on love over time and tested against the pressures of life. It requires that commitment that Granny was talking about.

[The Comedian]

I believe that even the "truest" form of love, when tested enough, will fail.

How tragic. Why do you think so?

I actually think quite the opposite, the truest love will meet all tests. And, that in meeting life's tests -- the minor ones, the major ones, and the accumulation of tests -- the best love will grow stronger. Some loves will fail, most maybe. But "true love?"

The problem of course is that it is very hard for us to know if our love for another person is "true" or "exceptionally strong" or perhaps even legendary. Like a good friend, true love and fragile love alike reveal themselves over time, not in moments. Moments are the domain of passion; years and lifetimes are the domains of love.

Then again, true love might not be romantic love. It could be the love of a parent for his child, the love a scholar for her ideas, the love of a bookworm for his favorite novel, or the love of a Wookie for its Millennium Falcon.

:)

[Scheherazade]

How tragic. Why do you think so?

I actually think quite the opposite, the truest love will meet all tests. And, that in meeting life's tests -- the minor ones, the major ones, and the accumulation of tests -- the best love will grow stronger. Some loves will fail, most maybe. But "true love?"I guess it might be simple clash of terms but what you describe here in my opinion is "love". It is probably stronger (or rather those people who have these feelings are stronger and can stand the tests) but I would not call it "truer" than other types of love.

[blazeofglory]

True love. It is really a mind-boggling topic. We all dreamily are seeking for it. Where can we get it? Maybe in imagination, in poetry, in books or in movies.

Of course it is an ideal, a destination we want to reach

It is really a romantic imagination and it has indeed something very touching, the touchy-feely thing. I have written so many poems idealizing true love and lionising lovers.

In babyhood or in youthfulness we aspire to have it, and when we start ageing the degree and intensity of it starts enervating. Later when man matures in life more and more he sees the world of realities. Then love, true love, romantic ideas become thinner and less effective.

Love is the stimulation, and no state of stimulation expectedly remains constant.

Love is a phase, a process and we can not grasp it.

Love is a fleeting. It gives you impulses, feelings for a while and it evaporates and no more it can be seen.

Without it we will not have epics, big stories, movies and the like.

It makes a fool of anyone. Most poems find kind of sanctuaries in love. Most poems or pieces of music would have never been written if there were no subjects of love.

Love is inevitable in life from that standpoint. It energizes life. It tunes up your spirit. It mobilizes us.

[JBI]

You wanna test that? ;)I very much agree with this. "True love" is, in my opinion, just another comforting concepted created to soothe our senses of insecurity and uncertainty. We love people, which means we lower our guards and put our trust in them (some of us, to some degree at least) so we want to assure ourselves that it is no ordinary love; it has to something speacial, something more. It is like us wanting to believe that there is a meaning in this world, in this life we lead; that all was created for a reason; that there will be reward when we die and so on.

Let's love one another; I am all for it but I don't want to try to make it more than what it is; that is, just another emotion (admittedly a great one) because I personally believe that even the "truest" form of love, when tested enough, will fail.

Don't get me wrong, I consider myself a romantic person, despite how I come off on here. I don't believe love will necessarily fail, but I think the notion of True Love could be better described as a rather vague Platonic Ideal. As for love failing, well, if that were the case, this would be ultimately the bitterest of worlds. It can be a bitter world, but one likes to think some things are lasting and worthwhile. I think, that as a person, I cannot bring myself to buy into that, without going into a Leopardian downward spiral emotionally. One likes to think that their loved ones are actually what we would call sincere.

As for it being an emotion, well, there is certainly an emotional aspect to it, but I wouldn't call it an emotion, I would just call it a commitment. On the basic level, that's what it is, a commitment between people, freely made. In that sense love for one's country, love for one's family, love for one's dog even (who to some goes as far as becoming part of the family) is composed mostly of commitments.




But strictly held by none, is loosely bound
By countless silken ties of love and thought
To everything on earth the compass round,
And only by one's going slightly taut
In the capriciousness of summer air
Is of the slightest bondage made aware.

http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/robert_frost/poems/544
From the Silken Tent by Robert Frost.
or perhaps another great discourse on love,



We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, unremembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half-heard, in the stillness
Between two waves of the sea.
Quick now, here, now, always—
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
When the tongues of flame are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one.

http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/t__s__eliot/poems/15136
From Four Quartets: Little Gidding by T. S. Eliot.

[Ohmyscience]

'True' love, to me, is a word to validate overthinking relationships. Everyone has their definition of love so when you place true in front of it, it seems to be more mind masturbation. It's like saying the purest red.

[NikolaiI]

True love is spiritual in quality. It is as rare as enlightenment, and as valuable. There are many semblances of this, everything is some reflection of this, no matter how pure or impure. I really think there can't be love without trust, and more importantly, one can't love truly unless one knows oneself. True love then is the highest love, again, as rare and as valuable as anything in life. It may seem not to exist, but that it just because it is not before our eyes. It is the highest or fullest realization of the potential of human life.

An idea which Sri Aurobindo puts forward is that Spirit is in matter, even if involved. Evolution is the progression of spirit from unconsciousness toward consciousness in divinity. If the divine exists in matter, unconscious, then it exists in us also, waiting to be realized consciously. I know the divine is not the same term as love, but they are similar in likeness and quantity.

[robertlc53]

with family, i place their needs above mine and they do likewise. a state of interdependence is reached. this is love in my opinion, "true" love, is subjective. what then is "truly" good, or "truly" noble. it's all relative. love is when people seek to advance the well being of another only to advance their well-being. when the act of giving is devoid of selfishness then it is an act of love.

[LadyW]

I think the notion of true love counts for every love you have in your life time - every idea, every place, every painting, every colour, every song, every animal, every person you have once felt that feeling for, no matter if it was for a moment, a week, or for years. It didn't last forever, but it was still "true", and it was still real at the time; it wasn't just an illusion.

Of course, each love is distinct from another, each one felt to a different extent (although you may argue it's impossible to compare the extent of each love to another, because the love is entirely different.)

Maybe this idea of "one true love" is just a phrase used to describe the one that has it in them to put up with you for the rest of your life...

[jon1jt]

True love is when you're willing to jump across one 20 foot ditch rather than two 10 foot ditches to be with 'the one.'

[Niamh]

True love is spiritual in quality. It is as rare as enlightenment, and as valuable. There are many semblances of this, everything is some reflection of this, no matter how pure or impure. I really think there can't be love without trust, and more importantly, one can't love truly unless one knows oneself. True love then is the highest love, again, as rare and as valuable as anything in life. It may seem not to exist, but that it just because it is not before our eyes. It is the highest or fullest realization of the potential of human life.


I agree with this. :)
I also think that it doesnt have to be a romantic love. It can be any form of love and can be a love shared between two friends. (although in saying that i wouldnt want to be the person who turns around to their romantic love and tells them that a friend is their true love! :blush: )

"true love" always makes me think of "soul mates".

[the8th]

True love is love that prevails in times of worry, despair, anger, and wonder. It isn't passionate, and most of the time it isn't an obsession. It's undying trust, respect, and admiration. Comfort and desire. True love means you will pull through it. Thats all. There is no sense that it is more true or false than other types of love, but it is less about one self and more about two. It means I won't leave you if you fall down and mess up your life, so to speak, where a more passionate, obsessive sort of lover will - because all they care for is the feeling they have, not the person.