S!lveRdu$t
03-26-2009, 07:50 PM
Hi can someone please edit my essay? I would like the dialects used by the characters to remain as is, but the plot needs to be developed more...put some life into it?..make it interesting and appealing?..the whole piece should be around 800 to 900 words...i would really appreciate the help...points to note: language registers, dialectal variations, differing attitudes to language and communicative behaviours must be included....thank u so much..the topic should also be considered..
‘SEEKING TO DO RIGHT’
Damien, twenty years of age, and Jenna, seventeen, have been in a committed, loving relationship for a little over two years. They both lived in the same neighborhood but recently Damien moved closer to where he now works, Pt Lisas. Their relationship continues but is limited since they hardly see each other and at times cannot be there for each other. Damien, a secondary school drop-out, works as a technician trainee at the Pt Lisas Industrial Estate. Jenna has just completed C.X.C. Examinations successfully and is now taking some time off before she enters her parents’ business.
SCENE -1-
(It is about 6:00pm on Tuesday evening and Damien is in his apartment on his bed talking to Jenna on his mobile phone. The couple has not seen each other in almost a month. Since Damien moved six months ago, things have been difficult between them. They had planned on the weekend past that Jenna would come live with Damien at his apartment. They came to the conclusion that their relationship had reached to this level and by doing this, they would be able to spend time with each other even though Damien had to work during the day, since they would be living together. Damien is sitting on his bed gazing at a photograph of himself and Jenna while speaking to Jenna on the phone. Jenna is in her room as well, talking to Damien on her mobile phone and hugging a t-shirt that Damien left at her house).
Damien: You done with your packing? We need to do this real fast seeing that we going against your parents wishes.
Jenna: I’m ready. Mom and Dad will not allow us our freedom to be with
each other that’s why we going to do this. I’m ready to share my
whole life with you.
Damien: Me too, don’t worry I work out everything. My pay is enough to
provide for both of us, we won't have much extra to spend, but I will be happy once you are there with me.
Jenna: You are so sweet (she hugs the t-shirt tightly). I hope mom and Dad in time see how true we are. Just accepting us is all I could hope for.
Damien: I hope so too. I gettin’ a car borrow to pick u up in de
afternoon, so which of yuh parents go be home?
Jenna: Mom; don’t worry I can handle
her. It’s dad I can’t face, he would never let me leave like this. He would send me away to America and separate us for life (fear creeps into her tone).
Damien: Baby, all will be well when we’re together (Damien takes all this in, knows the level of risk involved). And once we can afford it, we can get married (his eyes fixed on the photograph on his bedside). Remember just act cool tonight, so they won’t suspect anything.
Jenna: I know babe, I hope everything goes smoothly tomorrow, (Jenna’s mom calls out to her from downstairs) hey hon, mom is calling me. I need to go, so… I will see you tomorrow (she says in a loving tone), bye, I love you.
Damien: Ok cool, I love you too, see ya tomorrow 1:00pm sharp,
bye………..(he puts down the receiver).
SCENE -2-
(It’s after lunch, about 12:45pm, Damien just drove into the street he knew to well. The neighborhood was quiet, not many people seem to be home around this time. He drives up to the big green and white two-story house and parks the car in front just after the huge white gate. A lingering uneasiness fills his actions as he exits the car. As he walks up to the gate, he hears shouting and noise in the air. He cautiously walks up to the gate, to see Jenna hastily moving towards him with a suitcase to her side. As they get into the car, he kisses her on the lips and proceeds to drive off.)
Jenna: (her eyes filled with water) That was hard, that woman doesn’t understand, she says you’re ‘good for nothing’ and I’m making the biggest mistake of my life. She didn’t want to let me go, she thinks I cooling off in my room. (Jenna’s mood is still a bit tense)
Damien: (with one hand on the steering wheel, he takes Jenna’s hand with the other) Its alright, we’re together now, and we have faith in us. You doh believe what she say right?
Jenna: It’s a good thing they don’t know where we are going, she threatened to find us. (she grips Damien’s hand a little tightly)
Damien: You scared, baby? You sure this is what you want? (Damien is starting to feel uneasy about the whole situation, his hands begin to sweat, and Jenna notices)
Jenna: We are in love with each other, we should be together. (she speaks more calmly now). We can make it though this.
Suddenly a police car passes, heading in the opposite direction. As it passes them, Jenna notices her father in the front passenger seat and her uncle in the driver’s seat of the police car. Her hand goes cold; panic begins to cloud her thoughts. Damien does not see whom she sees in the police car.
Jenna: We’re doing the right thing, right Damien? (she lets go of his hand)
Damien: (he pauses, and then goes to answer Jenna, but she cuts him off)
Jenna: I just saw daddy in the police car. Babe I don’t know what daddy will do, he will find us. (she covers her face with her hands). I’m starting to feel scared now.
Damien: What! Yuh dad, I getting a funny feeling about this whole thing now. I think we should re-think what we doin here
The car goes quiet, Damien still driving, his both hands on the steering wheel.
Damien: I know I want to be with you more than anything in the world right now, but this not falling through too right.
Jenna: I just want to spend some quality time with you, yesterday I was all for this, but now things are so complicated, I not sure what to think or do.
Damien: Ok here’s what, (he takes her hand again) this is what we’ll do, we cud spend de rest of de day together and I will take you back tonight. We will face your parents together. I’ll be right there by your side.
Jenna: I really want to be with you, see you everyday like things were before you moved. It really might be best if I go back home…. ok we’ll do it. (she kisses him on the cheek). I love you, I am so lucky to have you.
‘SEEKING TO DO RIGHT’
Damien, twenty years of age, and Jenna, seventeen, have been in a committed, loving relationship for a little over two years. They both lived in the same neighborhood but recently Damien moved closer to where he now works, Pt Lisas. Their relationship continues but is limited since they hardly see each other and at times cannot be there for each other. Damien, a secondary school drop-out, works as a technician trainee at the Pt Lisas Industrial Estate. Jenna has just completed C.X.C. Examinations successfully and is now taking some time off before she enters her parents’ business.
SCENE -1-
(It is about 6:00pm on Tuesday evening and Damien is in his apartment on his bed talking to Jenna on his mobile phone. The couple has not seen each other in almost a month. Since Damien moved six months ago, things have been difficult between them. They had planned on the weekend past that Jenna would come live with Damien at his apartment. They came to the conclusion that their relationship had reached to this level and by doing this, they would be able to spend time with each other even though Damien had to work during the day, since they would be living together. Damien is sitting on his bed gazing at a photograph of himself and Jenna while speaking to Jenna on the phone. Jenna is in her room as well, talking to Damien on her mobile phone and hugging a t-shirt that Damien left at her house).
Damien: You done with your packing? We need to do this real fast seeing that we going against your parents wishes.
Jenna: I’m ready. Mom and Dad will not allow us our freedom to be with
each other that’s why we going to do this. I’m ready to share my
whole life with you.
Damien: Me too, don’t worry I work out everything. My pay is enough to
provide for both of us, we won't have much extra to spend, but I will be happy once you are there with me.
Jenna: You are so sweet (she hugs the t-shirt tightly). I hope mom and Dad in time see how true we are. Just accepting us is all I could hope for.
Damien: I hope so too. I gettin’ a car borrow to pick u up in de
afternoon, so which of yuh parents go be home?
Jenna: Mom; don’t worry I can handle
her. It’s dad I can’t face, he would never let me leave like this. He would send me away to America and separate us for life (fear creeps into her tone).
Damien: Baby, all will be well when we’re together (Damien takes all this in, knows the level of risk involved). And once we can afford it, we can get married (his eyes fixed on the photograph on his bedside). Remember just act cool tonight, so they won’t suspect anything.
Jenna: I know babe, I hope everything goes smoothly tomorrow, (Jenna’s mom calls out to her from downstairs) hey hon, mom is calling me. I need to go, so… I will see you tomorrow (she says in a loving tone), bye, I love you.
Damien: Ok cool, I love you too, see ya tomorrow 1:00pm sharp,
bye………..(he puts down the receiver).
SCENE -2-
(It’s after lunch, about 12:45pm, Damien just drove into the street he knew to well. The neighborhood was quiet, not many people seem to be home around this time. He drives up to the big green and white two-story house and parks the car in front just after the huge white gate. A lingering uneasiness fills his actions as he exits the car. As he walks up to the gate, he hears shouting and noise in the air. He cautiously walks up to the gate, to see Jenna hastily moving towards him with a suitcase to her side. As they get into the car, he kisses her on the lips and proceeds to drive off.)
Jenna: (her eyes filled with water) That was hard, that woman doesn’t understand, she says you’re ‘good for nothing’ and I’m making the biggest mistake of my life. She didn’t want to let me go, she thinks I cooling off in my room. (Jenna’s mood is still a bit tense)
Damien: (with one hand on the steering wheel, he takes Jenna’s hand with the other) Its alright, we’re together now, and we have faith in us. You doh believe what she say right?
Jenna: It’s a good thing they don’t know where we are going, she threatened to find us. (she grips Damien’s hand a little tightly)
Damien: You scared, baby? You sure this is what you want? (Damien is starting to feel uneasy about the whole situation, his hands begin to sweat, and Jenna notices)
Jenna: We are in love with each other, we should be together. (she speaks more calmly now). We can make it though this.
Suddenly a police car passes, heading in the opposite direction. As it passes them, Jenna notices her father in the front passenger seat and her uncle in the driver’s seat of the police car. Her hand goes cold; panic begins to cloud her thoughts. Damien does not see whom she sees in the police car.
Jenna: We’re doing the right thing, right Damien? (she lets go of his hand)
Damien: (he pauses, and then goes to answer Jenna, but she cuts him off)
Jenna: I just saw daddy in the police car. Babe I don’t know what daddy will do, he will find us. (she covers her face with her hands). I’m starting to feel scared now.
Damien: What! Yuh dad, I getting a funny feeling about this whole thing now. I think we should re-think what we doin here
The car goes quiet, Damien still driving, his both hands on the steering wheel.
Damien: I know I want to be with you more than anything in the world right now, but this not falling through too right.
Jenna: I just want to spend some quality time with you, yesterday I was all for this, but now things are so complicated, I not sure what to think or do.
Damien: Ok here’s what, (he takes her hand again) this is what we’ll do, we cud spend de rest of de day together and I will take you back tonight. We will face your parents together. I’ll be right there by your side.
Jenna: I really want to be with you, see you everyday like things were before you moved. It really might be best if I go back home…. ok we’ll do it. (she kisses him on the cheek). I love you, I am so lucky to have you.