Paradox of Paradise (old poem)

[PoeticPassions]

I wrote this one almost 3 years ago... this is my first personal poetry post on the forum as well, so I thought I would start with some earlier work, and perhaps have it evolve... (haven't written a poem in months, and am experiencing a lack of inspiration)




Paradox of Paradise

We shared those moments in time,
Those fragments of life
That complete the whole.
The sky illumed' by
Sparks of desire,
Blazing stars reflected
From eyes onto a sapphire cloak.

Like fireflies that
Alighted upon our welkin of wishes
Their radiance ephemeral;
Our yearning eternal.

The paradox of paradise:
Fallen out of slumber
Like the creatures of
The serpent's envy,
Compelled to taste the
Fruit of mortality.

Oh, but would love be that
Wine which flows from thy
Immortal lips, for they
Prounounce undying utterance.
Alas, love springs from
Mortal hearts; and capricious minds!

And we watch across the
Night-stained fields,
Across the bruised rivers
That flow in discontent,
A fading firefly...
Oh, the paradox of Paradise!

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'm moved by the clarity and vigour of your statements and your imagery, but would suggest that words such as:


illumed'...welkin...thy...

are too overtly poetic, archaic, and compell one to read in a self-conscious manner that is anti-thetical to the flow of the emotion. Don't write "poetry": write what you need to say in the best words/forms that you need to say it.

[kelby_lake]

welkin? Whassat?

[Silas Thorne]

Yes, don't write Poetry, and don't worry about 'inspiration'. ;) I feel you should get on with the act of writing, write through it until the act of writing (and writing on anything), itself gives you fresh perspectives, ideas and flashes of brief insanity.

[a_little_wisp]

I agree with Silas and Prince, but I will also say -

BRAVO on your imagery. I particularly liked "bruised rivers." I'll keep that in my mind for a very long time, I think. Lovely, PoeticPassions.

[PoeticPassions]

thanks for the advice Silas and Prince... however, I actually wrote this poem in about 15 minutes, and I did not intend to "write poetry." I was in an English class at the time, and had just broken up with my boyfriend a few days earlier. For me the poem was filled with emotion, and intended to describe my agony of this paradox... the words flowed out of me... and well this was written three years ago, so I hope my poetry is more mature now :)

but thanks for the comments!

[PoeticPassions]

BRAVO on your imagery. I particularly liked "bruised rivers." I'll keep that in my mind for a very long time, I think. Lovely, PoeticPassions.

Thanks :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

Yes, don't write Poetry, and don't worry about 'inspiration'. ;) I feel you should get on with the act of writing, write through it until the act of writing (and writing on anything), itself gives you fresh perspectives, ideas and flashes of brief insanity.

"brief insanity"! Yes, that's the ticket, but surely you have some advice to determine how long it should last, and how to call a halt to it? To return, I assume, to a somewhat longer period of 'sanity.'