it's a - !

[amuse]

finally, we
have a child:
an emptiness was
born today.
we kissed its
lips
and stroked its brow
it reached out
for us,
embraced
you and i
enfolded us;
our baby
grew as the
minutes passed -
reached out to us
as you poured
your liquid bass
into my ears
it lulled us
in, pulled us
in, drew us
apart - and
still we talked,
as our child grew.
still we wander
as our child grows,
breastfeeding,
nourishing
our despair.
perhaps it's time
we stopped
making love.


weird. the thing has no rhythm!

[shortysweetp]

very true about what a child can do. i like when i can relate :)

[mono]

Beautiful work, as usual, amuse. You again use very casual language easy to understand and for the common reader to relate; some of your line breaks seem so . . . I cannot find the words . . . random, but artistically. The birth, nourishment, and raising of this symbolic bond you attribute results as some stunning verse, especially with the last lines: "perhaps it's time / we stopped / making love."
:)

[Avalive]

hehe,I think it's lovely

[amuse]

well thank you all for reading. now i am going to try to use the same words to different effect. :)

[rabble_rouser]

How perfectly true. My life in a nutshell. It's rhythm resounds in the resonance of its truth...

[Koa]

great as usual - and if you allow me, in contrast with what mono said, easier than other times...i mean easier to understand the point (im not that good in seeing when meanings are not straightforward), and somewhat in the language too (not that the others were complicated but more sophisticated somehow)

[Bandini]

It's got its own rhythm - just doesn't follow one. Love that amuse - reckon you're on my wave length! Might even be tempted to post something myself soon.

[amuse]

cool! but i have a confession...

this poem didn't come out right. which is why i have to write another similar, yet different, one.
the Emptiness was the "child" - this is the second time i wrote something poorly that was well received, and it's surprising that it worked with a second meaning...i just haven't figured quite how to tweak it yet.

look forward to reading your work, Bandini. :)
and i'm glad you liked it, rabble_rouser. :)

Koa, what nice complements! i only wish it had meant what it was taken to mean! i would be very flattered! *shakes head at self

[Isagel]

I´ll have to agree with Bandini the poem has it´s own rythm, not by the lines or words, but something gentle that follows it, lake waves.

I never got the impression that the poem was about a real baby. I thought of it as a metaphorical one, something you both created but that´s now growing steadily on it´s own. I liked you poem very much, and I really do not think that it needs to be rewritten.

I´m not sure about the title, though. When I read the title I expected a humorous poem, I do not think it fits.

[amuse]

I´m not sure about the title, though. When I read the title I expected a humorous poem, I do not think it fits.mm! good point. it does seem sort of light - one nearly exects balloons.
thx, Isagel, for sharing your perceptions.

[Koa]

I never got the impression that the poem was about a real baby. I thought of it as a metaphorical one, something you both created but that´s now growing steadily on it´s own. I liked you poem very much, and I really do not think that it needs to be rewritten.



For me it was both, a literal baby as the first level and something else on a symbolic level...still dont see what s wrong with the poem but i know the feeling of not finding it right...

[amuse]

its new title is "offspring"

[Isagel]

I like that title.

[Miranda]

I too think that the poem is great Amuse. It does have a rhythym all of it's own and it just seems to flow so well. I suppose that you could alter it if you feel not so happy with it, but ..like everyone else, I think it's great - and doesn't need any tweaking.

Miranda

[amuse]

thank you both. :)

interestingly, btw, i introduced this poem elsewhere - with the new title - and it was much more comprehensible.