Hi I'm new

[Shopping28]

hi i'm new and i wanted some feedback on the begining of my story.

*Story Starts*

Hi my name is Ashley Nicole Di-Lombardo. I am fourteen years old, I live with my mom Deborah, my dad Jason and my brother Joe. My mom is the principal at the school I go to and my dad is a sergeant station commander with the New York State Police. My mom drives a ford escape hybrid and my dad drives a Toyota Prius and his Chevy Tahoe which is the squad car. My dad has a lot of police buddies. My school has a stupid rule about texting, if a teachers sees you texting they automatically have to write you up and then you get in trouble. I’m daddies little princess. I’m stubborn and I get mad if I don’t get my way.

My address is 4 Valerie court in Buchannan. My mom is thirty nine years old and my dad is forty years old. My parents are high school sweethearts. My brother Joe is seventeen years old and he drives a Honda Civic Si.



Thanks for stopping by and if you like it i will post more.

[an7hrax]

This isn't much but a summary of the protagonists life, I find its better to not introduce your characters with more then a name and reveal pieces of their personality and past as you move through the plot, doing it that way allows for a slower progression into really knowing and possibly the reader relating to the character

( I'm not telling you to do it my way just giving feedback on the way I have found to be more successful)

[Shopping28]

thanks:yawnb:

[Shopping28]

*More story*

I stayed in my room the rest of the night I was pissed and had homework to do. The next day at school Joe saw me at my locker. “You have no idea how worried mom and dad are! Mom wanted dad to call in a missing person’s report but you have to be gone for 24 hours before they consider you missing. Where were you?”

“I was at my friend’s house.”“You have to come home tonight or they are going to consider you a runaway.”“If I was a runaway would I come to school?”I said as I walked away. The early part of the day went by quickly and soon I was sitting in 7th hour Trig class. I was staring out the window when I heard the teacher call my name. I looked up to see one of the assistant principals standing at the door waiting for me.

I got up grabbed my things and walked out. “Ms. Di-Lombardi there is someone here to see you” he said as he walked her down to his office. When they walked into the office I saw my dad waiting there for me. “Thank you I’ll take it from here,” said Jason. “what the hell are you doing here dad?”. We started walking back out the door.“What the hell are you doing here dad?”. I asked. “I’m here to make sure you make it home tonight.”“Why so you guys can yell at me some more? Thanks, but no thanks I think I’ll pass.” I said turning and walking the other way.“Ashley you can do this the easy way or the hard way, it’s your choice but either way you’re coming home.”“I need to go to my locker I’ll meet you at your car. “What’s the hard way?”. “You’ll see”. “I think I’ll go with you just to make sure” my dad says.





“School is almost out and the last thing I need is for everyone to see me being escorted by a cop.” I said looking at him with pleading eyes.“Fine 5 minutes or I’m coming to get you” he said as he walked out to his car. I ran to my locker as the bell rang and got everything I needed. I decided to go to my brother’s car and we saw there were flashing lights in the rearview mirror.




“****.” My Joe said as he pulled over. The officer came up to the window. “Is there a problem officer?”The officer looked into the car. “Ashley Di-Lombardi?”“Yea” I said.“Please step out of the vehicle.” he said walking to the passenger’s side of the car. “Put your hands on top the of car” He walked behind me and grabbed one of my hands pulling it behind me back and placing a handcuff around it, followed by the other. He quickly searched my pockets before leading me back to his car, and placing me in the back.


“What did I do wrong sir?” my brother asked.“Nothing but there was a missing person’s report put out once we got to my house the officer helped me out of the car and walked me up to the door. My dad answered. “Hey Jim. Good you found her.”“Yea driving down a back road.” he said as he took the handcuffs off.“I’m going to my room” I said as I walked inside.“No you’re going to wait in the Kitchen and I’ll be there in a minute.” said my dad. “Well thank you Jim, I’ll let you get back to work now. I was sitting at the table drinking coke when my dad came back in. “I told you it could be easy or hard. You could have just come with me and I would of let you sit in the front, but you choose to do it the hard way.” he said sitting across from me.

“You shouldn’t have sent the cops after me!” Then my dad responded by saying “You shouldn’t have ran off yesterday when you were already in trouble for not telling us where you were in the first place, you shouldn’t have skipped school yesterday!” He said his voice rising. I got up and my dad said “Ashley Nicole Di-Lombardi sit down now, we are not finished here.” I paused to weigh my options before sitting back down.“You’re grounded for 3 weeks. No phone no going anywhere other than school, no computer.”“Whatever, you done now?” “Go to your room we’ll talk more when your mom gets home.”