my novel- chapter 2

[SleepyWitch]

hi everyone.. i started writing on a novel a couple of months back.. got stuck after an intro and 2 chapters...
here's the second chapter.. maybe you wanna read it and tell me what you think about it?...
here's a summary of the plot so far:
in chapter one, the VOICE of a girl wakes up in the body of another girl... they are at school.. in this chpater, the strange voice totally drowns out the girl's consciousness...
in the second chapter the girl goes home and is more or less herself.. at least the voice shuts up for most of the time :) but the girl is still disoriented and doesn't even recognise her own home...
nope, it's NOT a story about going nuts or something, even though it is a bit weird... i'll tell you more about the plot later on if you're interested. just judge that chapter in its own right ok :)
thanks
**** warning*********
PS: the nasty voice curses all the time, but that's only coz she's stuck in somebody elses body and doesn't know what's wrong.. she's nice, really (i hope it's not against forum rules???)

[Dave]

I guess I’ll start with the normal disclaimer which is that I have no valuable experience in this area and my opinion may be largely irrelevant. But since no one else has responded....

I was interested in the idea in the story, but my first impression was that things were too rushed and there were too many switches between characters and scenes in such a short space of time.

I would personally prefer to see longer dialogues and more time describing and setting up the environment rather than a quick transition between each area. But apart from that, I found the idea curious, which is a great thing.

[SleepyWitch]

thanks for your reply :)
ok, i'll see what i can do about that if and when i ever find time to work on it :)