prendrelemick
03-14-2009, 04:29 PM
Here is a story I wrote for Comic Relief. (a TV money raising event on the BBC) It had to be short, funny and contain a list of random words like wobble and puce. I was runner up!
“The poodles are restless tonight,” said Colonel Flange.
He took a large sip of his whisky.
“Reminds me of when I was in Burma y' know.
Mrs Flange glanced up from her embroidery.“Burma dear?” she sighed.
“It was the goats y' see
“Goats dear?”
“Yes goats. The blighters always knew when there was a show on. Watch the goats, I used to tell my men, they always know when there's going to be a bit of a show. Animal instinct y' see.”
“O how wonderful, I used to love them.”
“What, goats ?”
“Whats that lovely show my sister and I used to...?” She took a deep breath and began to sing. “I could have daanced all niight, I could have daanced all night ,lah lah ,de dum, de da...”
The poodles became even more restless.
The Colonel's puce complexion deepened as he watched his wife's heavy jowls wobble in time to her determined contralto. She was building to a crecendo.
“I could have daanced” (The poodle nearest to her stood up.) “.DAANCED” ( It threw back its head.) “DAAAAANCED” (It let out a loud high pitched howl which was , the Colonel had to admit, nearer to the pitch his wife was aiming for so unsucessfully) “All niiight”. She finished.
“Hrrumph! yes, well,” said the Colonel. when the aswering howls from beyond the french windows had died down. “as I was saying, reminds me of Burma. I was out on patrol with Carruthers, sound chap, Winchester man I believe...”
“Such a handsome man” trilled Mrs Flange,abandoning her needlework effigy of a bowl of chrysanthemums altogether.
“What! who Carruthers?”
“Professor Higgins. Such a handsome man.”
“Professor Higgins.?”
“Yes, you know, Rex Harrison.”
“Harrison? Harrison?”
“Rex Harrison. You know, Dr. Dolittle.” She burst into song again. “ If I could talk to the animals.”
The poodles began to whimper.
The Colonel shuddered and downed the rest of his whisky. He tried again
“That's what I was saying. Animals! Reminds me of Burma! There were these goats, y' see,” he was shouting now.
“Of course its quite impossible”
“Beg y' pardon”
“The Pushmepullyou, quite impossible. A head at each end. No outlet you see”
The Colonel reviewed this statement to see if there was anything in it he could possibly make sense of, and finding nothing, he pressed on.
“There were these GOATS d'y' see, could climb like monkeys, the villagers used to graze 'em up in the canopy, and when it rained...”
“Mrs Watson-Smyth had some.”
“Wh...?
“Canopes, last week at Bridge Club. Quite delicious, little cucumber ones with..”
“What!” shouted the Colonel. “Bridge Club? No no no, I was in Burma y'see and there were these monkeys, I, I mean goats...”
“Thats nice dear, but I think Trixie and Woofles need wee wees. “
“What? Oh never mind.” he snapped. “C'mon, fall in you dogs.” He went to open the door.
Mrs Flange watched the bulbous figure of her retreating husband, she sighed and picked up her needlework.
“I should have spread my wings, and done a thousand things, I've never done before.” she murmured quietly to herself.
“The poodles are restless tonight,” said Colonel Flange.
He took a large sip of his whisky.
“Reminds me of when I was in Burma y' know.
Mrs Flange glanced up from her embroidery.“Burma dear?” she sighed.
“It was the goats y' see
“Goats dear?”
“Yes goats. The blighters always knew when there was a show on. Watch the goats, I used to tell my men, they always know when there's going to be a bit of a show. Animal instinct y' see.”
“O how wonderful, I used to love them.”
“What, goats ?”
“Whats that lovely show my sister and I used to...?” She took a deep breath and began to sing. “I could have daanced all niight, I could have daanced all night ,lah lah ,de dum, de da...”
The poodles became even more restless.
The Colonel's puce complexion deepened as he watched his wife's heavy jowls wobble in time to her determined contralto. She was building to a crecendo.
“I could have daanced” (The poodle nearest to her stood up.) “.DAANCED” ( It threw back its head.) “DAAAAANCED” (It let out a loud high pitched howl which was , the Colonel had to admit, nearer to the pitch his wife was aiming for so unsucessfully) “All niiight”. She finished.
“Hrrumph! yes, well,” said the Colonel. when the aswering howls from beyond the french windows had died down. “as I was saying, reminds me of Burma. I was out on patrol with Carruthers, sound chap, Winchester man I believe...”
“Such a handsome man” trilled Mrs Flange,abandoning her needlework effigy of a bowl of chrysanthemums altogether.
“What! who Carruthers?”
“Professor Higgins. Such a handsome man.”
“Professor Higgins.?”
“Yes, you know, Rex Harrison.”
“Harrison? Harrison?”
“Rex Harrison. You know, Dr. Dolittle.” She burst into song again. “ If I could talk to the animals.”
The poodles began to whimper.
The Colonel shuddered and downed the rest of his whisky. He tried again
“That's what I was saying. Animals! Reminds me of Burma! There were these goats, y' see,” he was shouting now.
“Of course its quite impossible”
“Beg y' pardon”
“The Pushmepullyou, quite impossible. A head at each end. No outlet you see”
The Colonel reviewed this statement to see if there was anything in it he could possibly make sense of, and finding nothing, he pressed on.
“There were these GOATS d'y' see, could climb like monkeys, the villagers used to graze 'em up in the canopy, and when it rained...”
“Mrs Watson-Smyth had some.”
“Wh...?
“Canopes, last week at Bridge Club. Quite delicious, little cucumber ones with..”
“What!” shouted the Colonel. “Bridge Club? No no no, I was in Burma y'see and there were these monkeys, I, I mean goats...”
“Thats nice dear, but I think Trixie and Woofles need wee wees. “
“What? Oh never mind.” he snapped. “C'mon, fall in you dogs.” He went to open the door.
Mrs Flange watched the bulbous figure of her retreating husband, she sighed and picked up her needlework.
“I should have spread my wings, and done a thousand things, I've never done before.” she murmured quietly to herself.