feedback?

[SleepyWitch]

here's a little something I've posted in "write a really bad poem". I'm posting it again to fish for feedback :D
hehe, I know there's this one word in it that is just thrown in randomly and will make some of you shout "Cliché!" :) Can you guess which one it is? First to guess wins a prize. I want to get rid of it...
edit: I've added another weird one that I wrote today at the bottom. not happy about the last line.




he's made of milk and logic
and wiry gold, but not the blondish-yellow sort,
more like mineral salts, that's dyes for you,
and mostly greying
and blank unfeeling dragon-eyes
that slowly blink to say he is surprised
when he is not
but sometimes he can't find his room,
his feet go trip-trip-hop as he dances, skips,
stubborn, systematically, from one door to the next
and blushes when I tap his name on the door,
asking "Is that you?"




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~








history flows slower around you,
measured glint when you cross the road.
I could have done my ritual of traipse and peek,
you could have done your ritual of smile and shoulder,
lips that could be sensual,
if there was malice
in the space between the sky outside your window
and the doorframe borderline,
I wouldn't have noticed the wars and the floods,
or the line-up of fathers gone by.
Life could have brushed through me, uninvolvedly content,
on its way from here to the night.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Nope, I can't guess at the alleged cliche but on the other hand the poem is NOT bad enough to have been in the bad poem thread but plenty good enough to be here!

I liked the humour of it and the deftness with which you unfolded it.

[SleepyWitch]

Nope, I can't guess at the alleged cliche but on the other hand the poem is NOT bad enough to have been in the bad poem thread but plenty good enough to be here!

I liked the humour of it and the deftness with which you unfolded it.

haha :lol: what humour? don't you feel any pity for the poor guy ;)

[PrinceMyshkin]

edit: I've added another weird one that I wrote today at the bottom. not happy about the last line.



history flows slower around you,
measured glint when you cross the road.
I could have done my ritual of traipse and peek,
you could have done your ritual of smile and shoulder,
lips that could be sensual,
if there was malice
in the space between the sky outside your window
and the doorframe borderline,
I wouldn't have noticed the wars and the floods,
or the line-up of fathers gone by.
Life could have brushed through me, uninvolvedly content,
on its way from here to the night.

Of course one can't be sure what effect you were aiming at, but that last line has a spookily eerie effect that seems to me to follow from the poem and to register pretty forcefully.

[SleepyWitch]

Of course one can't be sure what effect you were aiming at, but that last line has a spookily eerie effect that seems to me to follow from the poem and to register pretty forcefully.

thanks :) whether the eerie effect follows from the poem depends on what effect the poem had on you :) thus spake Professor Scheißekopf.
Anyway, I'd be interested to know what readers understand the poem to say.
Most of the time I achieve the opposite effect of what I had in mind. Wouldn't it be a pity if I gave the poem to the guy it is about and he ran away screaming because it's scary?

[a_little_wisp]

The character in the first one - would he happen to be an Aquarius? Because I think that's how I'm going to be when I'm older, only a lady.



He's made of milk, and logic,
And wiry gold.

I think that's a GREAT opening line - maybe one of my favorites now. And this went into the worst poetry thread? Why on earth...?

The second one.

Is.

Beautiful.


history flows slower around you,
measured glint when you cross the road.
I could have done my ritual of traipse and peek,
you could have done your ritual of smile and shoulder,
lips that could be sensual,
if there was malice
in the space between the sky outside your window
and the doorframe borderline,
I wouldn't have noticed the wars and the floods,
or the line-up of fathers gone by.
Life could have brushed through me, uninvolvedly content,
on its way from here to the night.

So that's what it's like when they say that, when you fall in love, time stops/ceases to exist? Beautiful, SleepyWitch, beautiful. By the way your poems capture such vivid life, you don't sound sleepy at all!

[SleepyWitch]

The character in the first one - would he happen to be an Aquarius? Because I think that's how I'm going to be when I'm older, only a lady.


what are Aquariuses said to be like?

[a_little_wisp]

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL - No I won't put you through that.

http://www.cyberspacei.com/englishwiz/library/names/zodiac/acquarius.htm

Have a peek if you're interested! She has wonderful articles for every sign!

[SleepyWitch]

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL - No I won't put you through that.

http://www.cyberspacei.com/englishwiz/library/names/zodiac/acquarius.htm

Have a peek if you're interested! She has wonderful articles for every sign!
hahaha :) I like it. sounds a lot like the guy, except he's neither eccentric nor a revolutionary. But he does a lot of the running-away thing and I don't think it's a good idea to disturb his solitude, but he always comes back if you leave him to his own devices for a while. He's definitely not cut out for battle, but he'll stick to his opinions and won't budge.
But then, both my brother and my best friend are aquarians and they're not like that at all. My brother is a revolutionary and always ahead of the rest of the world, but then he doesn't have any of the other characteristics the article mentions. My best friend is very independent, but not eccentric at all.
I'm not sure I believe in astrology.