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JacobF
02-25-2009, 06:14 PM
Just something I've been beavering away at for the past few weeks or so. I'm not confident that it's my best work, writing and style wise, which is why I'm putting it up here for criticism.



Some people implode. Some people explode.

Some can’t handle the day-to-day routine. So, they resort to drugs, violence or any type of temptation with intent of seeking solace. Unless they can be kicked back into orbit by friends and family they explode. Oppositely, some people implode. They see sights which should never be seen. They hear words incomprehensible to the soul. Eventually, they are completely erased from the face of the Earth. They shrivel into a mass of guts and ivory that no longer can they be called “human.” They can no longer be called anything, and if there is eternal life they will not be a part of it. They implode.

And Martin thought about this as he proceeded to toss frozen patties onto the skillet. Mr. Chowsky, Martin’s manager, stood arms-crossed as he observed his employee mulling about. “Martin,” said Mr. Chowsky, trying to snap him out of his philosophical daze. “Martin! Those burgers are burning, for Christ’s sake. Get them off the grill and onto the buns.”

“Oh, sorry Mr. Chowsky, um, I will right away.”

Mr. Chowsky shook his head and marched towards his office. Martin carried out his task, yet still retreated to his mind. He tossed fries lethargically into their red-and-yellow cartons and squirted unknown condiments onto buns which housed vile discs of what was classified as “meat.” His life was a series of mundane tasks followed by the hollow joy of predicting what will come next. And he always got the right answers – vomit in the ball-room, stoned teenagers with no money, the smart *** who wanted a refund because he didn’t get a free smile. Yet, Martin continued to cocoon himself inside his mind, not caring for the physical realm.

The clock ticked five o’clock and Martin’s work day was over. He went to the employee’s sink and washed the grease off his face, tossed that day’s hair net into the trash and left McDonald’s. He hopped on a bus and rode home through the winter’s fury.

Martin’s apartment was a mess. Pizza boxes decorated the floor and dusty boxes of things were stacked in the corner. The only tidy area was a small nook with a corduroy couch and a bookshelf, where he spent most of his time. Entering the apartment, he threw his keys onto his desk and headed straight for the couch. Before flopping onto the couch, however, Martin admired the picture of his mother on the wall. As per routine, he grabbed a rag and windex and washed the picture-frame, in addition to scanning it for scratches and dots of dust.

Satisfied with his work, he took a book, Gulliver’s Travels, from the bookshelf and began to read. He found solace in the ink. Greasy fingers turned each page with passion. As Martin found himself in the shoes of Gulliver, a sharp rapping on the door interrupted his fantasy. He ushered his corpse towards the door, knowing full-well who it would be: Mr. Montacello, his landlord. “Hello, sir, what can I do for you?” Martin asked.

“Don’t get smart with me, Martin. You know what I want. Your rent’s two months overdue.”

Martin lowered his head and tinkered with the rotting door-knob as if it were a loose tooth.

“You listening to me?” Anger arose in the landlord’s tone. “Get it to me by the end of the week, or you’re out of here.”

The end of the week, Martin thought. That would mean overtime at McDonald’s again. That would mean more time in the cave. Martin ignored Mr. Montacello’s request and returned to his reading.

It was eleven P.M. now: Martin’s favourite time of the day. Sleep. He wasn’t particularly exhausted, but sleep meant dreams. Martin was a lucid dreamer. Every night was an adventure into a new realm, whether he delved into his greatest desires or most harrowing fears. He came alive.

Tonight, Martin was a butterfly. Fluttering as quickly as his eyelids, he soared across the titan landscape of the Grand Canyon. As he continued to whiz through the crevices of the behemoth valley, Martin grew fatigued. Do butterflies drink water? Because I’m parched, Martin thought to himself. He continued to fly until he was above a flat plain. Along the horizon he saw a house-looking structure: it was faded in the fumes of heat, but Martin swore he saw it. He flew towards it, and as he approached it closer he realized it was a chapel.

An organ blared through the thick summer heat. Martin perched himself on a windowsill and observed the worshipers fanning themselves with church pamphlets. He saw a familiar face: his Mother. But, she didn’t look like his Mother. She was a young lady with mild skin; probably in her twenties. Martin flew over to her and perched himself on the arm of her pew. His Mother’s bored expression turned to jubilation: this butterfly was tickling the air around her, and soon drew the attention of the whole congregation. Even the reverend was admiring this fruitful creature. “Ah, God has sent us delight in such a dreadful day,” remarked the reverend. The congregation turned away from Martin soon enough, yet his Mother was still intrigued. Martin noticed the flaring pink bow in his Mother’s hat and perched himself upon it. Enjoying the giggles from his Mother he no longer needed water, for at that time his Mother’s delight was an indispensable fountain.

Ugh. The alarm, Martin thought to himself. The sobering hammer of reality. As Martin reached for the snooze button he noticed the ringing wasn't from the alarm: it was from the telephone. He dusted the handle off and answered, “Hello? …Mr. Montacello?”

“No,” replied a grating voice, “is this Martin?”

“Yes.”

“It’s your Aunt Sylvie.”

Martin kept the phone to his ear. He focused on the picture of his Mother across the room, trying to collect his scattered thoughts. Who was Aunt Sylvie?

“It’s about your Mother. She… she had a stroke, dear.”

Martin put the phone to his chest and continued to fixate on the frame. His eyes became swollen with tears.

“She’s at 5th Liberty now, and they just finished doing some tests. It was the alcohol. Apparently... it's severe.”

Martin hung up. He had not seen his Mother since he left home at sixteen. The final pang of gloom arrived the day Martin realized he could not afford to eat anymore due to the rapidly spawning booze bills that were, of course, neglected. So, he was shuffled between foster homes like a bag of money. Not much different than living with his Mother.

A reunion now would be unpredictable, Martin thought. She could welcome me back into the final fringes of her life. She could. She could...

Baubles of tears ran down his reddened cheeks. Martin noticed the time and decided he would simply go to work that day.

----------

Work, which today was particularly torturous, was finally over. But after much pondering Martin finally decided to visit his Mother at the hospital. He rushed to the nearest bus-stop. Just the thought of seeing his Mother for the first time in years consumed him in both a whirlwind of nerves and a breeze of relief.

“Family member,” he said to the hospital receptionist. She gave him the go-ahead and he paced toward the elevator with a crooked smile. The smile disappeared as soon as the elevator rolled up to his floor. He kept one hand on the railing as he walked toward his Mother’s room: 784.

The door was ajar. He rested his shaking fingers on it and pushed the door open, ever so gently. Bold coughs were heard and Martin kept his fingers on the wall, approaching the bed like one would a ticking time bomb. “Mother,” he said under his breath. But there lied an empty bed and a gaunt nurse who was making it.

“She passed away, just two hours ago,” she said. “I’m… I’m very sorry.”

Some people implode, and some people explode. It was at that precise time that Martin imploded. His life had finally eaten him.

He did not dream that night.

JacobF
03-05-2009, 01:14 AM
Anyone have anything to say about it? At all? I'd like to know what I did wrong and, if anything, what I did right.

1n50mn14
03-05-2009, 10:26 AM
I quite liked this. It kept me engaged, unlike most posting on this forum, and, also unlike most, was spelled properly, spaced properly, and gramatically correct.

There is one thing I will question, though:
So, he was shuffled between foster homes like a bag of money.

If I had a bag of money, I would not be shuffling it around... I just didn't find the analogy fitting.

But I liked the story very much.

JacobF
03-05-2009, 07:06 PM
I quite liked this. It kept me engaged, unlike most posting on this forum, and, also unlike most, was spelled properly, spaced properly, and gramatically correct.

There is one thing I will question, though:

If I had a bag of money, I would not be shuffling it around... I just didn't find the analogy fitting.

But I liked the story very much.

Ah, thanks for pointing that out. You're right, it didn't make any sense. I meant to write he was passed around like a disposable amount of money. I think I rushed that whole paragraph.

But I'm glad you liked it.

The Walker
05-20-2009, 03:52 PM
i liked this story too. You give a clear idea of the character and his surroundings as well. It is engaging indeed. Simple and clear.

AuntShecky
05-22-2009, 12:45 PM
Okay, Jacob, your ol' auntie is going to sound a bit stern, but, as adults love to say: "It's for your own good." Ready?

Your first paragraph is off-putting. It's way too abstract; if you must make philosophical declarations, it's best to weave them within the work itself with subtlety. The finest fiction is a partnership between writer and reader. Let the reader draw her own conclusions. Don't do her work for her.

Rest assured you're not the first that I'm saying this to, but always try to start a story in medias res. Even the scenes within the story should start late. . .and end early.

"Show, don't tell." "Martin's apartment was a mess." Just a couple of details will show us that it's messy; we don't need to be told.

Likewise, straight narration ("This happened, then
this happened, and finally this happened") is seldom engaging enough to hold a reader's attention.

Stylistically, you're going to have to change-up your sentence structures. Vary the types of sentences according to the meaning you want to put forth. It wouldn't hurt to have a compound, complex, or compound-complex sentence in the mix, but an endless stream of simple declarative sentences can be a tad tedious.

Short stories are all about economy; make every word count. One way to do this is to choose really strong, expressive verbs. (Remember a story is all about "action," even if the only action goes on in the protagonist's head.)

Try to kept your verb constructions in the active rather than passive mood. For instance, which sentence is more powerful?: "Mary was shot by John." or "John shot Mary." (That example is from The Elements of Style by Strunk and White.) If writing is something that you want to do, you really should take a look at that book.

Try not to rely heavily on adjectives or descriptive
material or using obvious phrases that serve no purpose other than taking up valuable space, for instance, "He took a book from the bookshelf."

When you edit it a piece, go back and delete everything that's unnecessary to the aim of moving the story along.

Somebody once said, "Kill your precious darlings," and by that the critic meant to toss the phrases and sentences of which you're most fond. Likewise, kill the clichés, as well as phrases we've read a million times before. "The door was ajar." (I can never read that without thinking about the old joke, "It's not a jar, it's a door!")

Okay, Jacob? Best of luck with all of your future writing projects.

JacobF
05-23-2009, 07:47 PM
Thanks for the thorough post, Auntie. I agree this isn't, well, my best work, as it was written three months ago when I was just getting back into writing. I think I've at least tried to address most of those problems in my most recent stories (I posted one, maybe two on here) but I still appreciate you pointing out my flaws in this one. After reading it again I realize there are many cliches and the style is generally tedious. I think I will save this thread for future reference.

miyako73
05-24-2009, 03:04 AM
double post

miyako73
05-24-2009, 03:04 AM
I don't know if exposition or essay kind of writing is effective in a short story. Like the second paragraph, it is too general, and the pronoun they confuses me. Even if it is just a character's thought, it is still too much. Maybe you can reduce it to a sentence or two since in reality, a person, even in a pensive mood, does not think about people in general but specific--like a thought about himself or his friend, perhaps.