Snooze

[Il Penseroso]

Vacation begins in the head
like a fountain of florid
afterthoughts, rivulets
over the smooth stone surface
of a flowering dawn.

While outside,
children are playing circles
in their sleep, following lines
like actors on a stage of sand,
forgetful of their parents' call,
the cracks in asphalt, tar sandwiched
in seams of badly planned
choreography.

[jon1jt]

Il P...OMG you used florid! :p

Let me just throw out some thoughts that came to me while I was reading, in no particular order.


I think you're overloading the opening image with redundancy and abstraction.

In what sense would this image actually change if you had used 'flowering dawn' and gotten rid of the rest above it?


like a fountain of florid
afterthoughts, rivulets
over the smooth stone surface
of a flowering dawn.


The last stanza is better, but still there's more of the same.

You use 'outside' and later mention asphalt. Is asphalt typically 'inside'? Let me know if I'm missing something here.

While outside,
children are playing circles
in their sleep, following lines
like actors on a stage of sand,
forgetful of their parents' call,
the cracks in asphalt, tar sandwiched
in seams of badly planned
choreography.


The simile has me utterly confused as well as the ending. What is the badly planned choreography? The kids are at play, or they are dreaming that they are. So how could it have been badly anything other than what it is, play?

[PrinceMyshkin]

Vacation begins in the head
like a fountain of florid
afterthoughts, rivulets
over the smooth stone surface
of a flowering dawn.

While outside,
children are playing circles
in their sleep, following lines
like actors on a stage of sand,
forgetful of their parents' call,
the cracks in asphalt, tar sandwiched
in seams of badly planned
choreography.

Glorious, I think, throughout, especially in the way it changes from the mostly philosophical speculation of the first verse into the increasingly vivid and surrealist imagery of the second. From the "circles" to the "lines" to the "seams of badly planned / choreography" the conceit is perfectly sustained...

[Il Penseroso]

Il P...OMG you used florid! :p

I know! the quickest way for the word to exit our vocabularies is to exhaust its potential right? ;)



I think you're overloading the opening image with redundancy and abstraction.

In what sense would this image actually change if you had used 'flowering dawn' and gotten rid of the rest above it?

like a fountain of florid
afterthoughts, rivulets
over the smooth stone surface
of a flowering dawn.


I'm not sure I follow you. What do you mean by "the rest above it"? That seems to change the whole meaning of the stanza. The "fountain of florid afterthoughts" is something completely internal from the "flowering dawn"; that in-between sleep and waking period during which random thoughts come and go uncontrolled.



You use 'outside' and later mention asphalt. Is asphalt typically 'inside'? Let me know if I'm missing something here.


Is this a criticism? of course the asphalt is outside, as well as the children. but not the person dream snoozing.



The simile has me utterly confused as well as the ending. What is the badly planned choreography? The kids are at play, or they are dreaming that they are. So how could it have been badly anything other than what it is, play?

Perhaps you're trying to read these lines too literally. They were intended to be very impressionistic. The perspective is still meant to come from someone not quite awake, who can hear children's voices but cannot see/tell what it is that they are playing.

I'm not exactly sure if the ending works myself. But, the "badly planned choreography" is not that of the kids, they're innocent by-standers. I was thinking of a broader scale of planning.

[Il Penseroso]

Glorious, I think, throughout, especially in the way it changes from the mostly philosophical speculation of the first verse into the increasingly vivid and surrealist imagery of the second. From the "circles" to the "lines" to the "seams of badly planned / choreography" the conceit is perfectly sustained...

Thanks Prince! it sounds like you got my intentions!

[jon1jt]

I know! the quickest way for the word to exit our vocabularies is to exhaust its potential right? ;)

Exactly! :lol:



I'm not sure I follow you.

I'm not sure I follow myself most of the time. Pay no mind. But lemme try again.


What do you mean by "the rest above it"?

See bold below. I think my trouble is first with the fact that when you throw out an image like 'flowering dawn' it drowns under the weight of its own ephemerality. I can't put my imagination around rivulets of afterthoughts or 'smooth stone surface' as it applies to flowering dawn. Poetically, metaphorically, with 'stone' I think of the moon or a cat curled on a bed. Flowering dawn is vast, sublime. But that's just me.

afterthoughts, rivulets
over the smooth stone surface
of a flowering dawn.


That seems to change the whole meaning of the stanza. The "fountain of florid afterthoughts" is something completely internal from the "flowering dawn"; that in-between sleep and waking period during which random thoughts come and go uncontrolled.

I see what you mean.



Is this a criticism? of course the asphalt is outside, as well as the children. but not the person dream snoozing.

I was simply noting that you're stating the obvious, and was curious why you had decided for it to be important enough to tell us the location was 'outside.' I see it as having a negligible effect.


Perhaps you're trying to read these lines too literally. They were intended to be very impressionistic.

Well, I am and I'm not. Impressionism is not a license to be incoherent either. By no means am I suggesting your poem is, but I'd be lying if I said that I never look for something like an Ariadne's Thread within the poem. I see one, though it's coiled some---incomplete, unfinished.


I'm not exactly sure if the ending works myself. But, the "badly planned choreography" is not that of the kids, they're innocent by-standers. I was thinking of a broader scale of planning.

Putting the minor stuff aside, my real concern was and still is with the ending. It's vague and empty and left me confused, even with your small explanation. I think the poem needs a strong finish that has the effect of pulling it all together while maintaining the wild and wonderous asymmetric impressionistic appeal.

[Il Penseroso]

Agreed. On most everything except the afterthought rivulets (florid ones). I quite like that.

[Pussy toes]

This is a beautiful poem!

I particularly like the last sentence: "tar sandwiched/ in seams of badly planned/choreography." An elegant metaphor!

[ampoule]

And I, the little red-haired girl, watching the man daydream as I carefully jump over those seams.
I like this much, Il Pens.

[Riesa]

Okie.

I love line 1, it’s so simply true.

Line two, I get stuck on florid, I love the word, the alliteration is nice, yet at the same time, florid seems to stick out, like bad shoes on an otherwise well-dressed man. I feel it could be improved by removing it. Just “a fountain of afterthoughts” or even, if you are determined to keep florid, “like florid afterthoughts” and just scratch “a fountain”. It's just something that threw me on each reading.

The rest is gorgeously IP, exquisite.

I get a sense of that beautiful moment when you are just near enough sleep to be detached, but still grounded in the waking world to appreciate the relaxation, near meditative. The first stanza feels very cool, words like “fountain” ,“rivulets”, “smooth” and “flowering” are like a cool cloth on a feverish brow; and then moving on to stanza two, it gets warm, “outside“ “sand” , “asphalt” “cracks” all kind of hot, and uncomfortable, maybe the end of an afternoon nap, when the sun has come up, and the blinds are open, and water is immediately necessary. Or else stepping outside without your sunglasses at midday. It’s a slippery poem, I’ve read it a dozen times, and it was hard to pin down, just like drifting off.

[blp]

Superb.

The only bit I trip over slightly is the
....smooth stone surface
of a flowering dawn.

To really work, I think this one example of sleepy inconsistency would need a few others. On its own it initially makes me think, 'What? A flowering dawn - smoothe? stone?' But I think you can probably let it stand.

I wonder if it could have a better title. 'Snooze' seems to me to give too much away.

I'm hairsplitting. It's lovely.

[Riesa]

I agree with blp that the title might give too much away.