first posted poem. feedback please. :)

[kevinthediltz]

And there I lay, the perfect silhouette of a broken man against the dark dirt. A beautiful halo of splattered blood around my head. In one hand, a shattered fist. In the other, the fingers are outstretched as if they were longing for something just out of reach. Hoping… wishing they could touch it, if only for an instant, just to get that feeling back. But it is gone. And it has taken everything. She has taken everything I have to give and left nothing but the silhouette of a broken man. If you want to see me die, just tell me you don’t love me.

[NisreenS]

Dear Kevinthediltz,

The image is vital and the description is effective,I could understand from this that the speaker is talking about his destruction after his beloved has abandoned him. But the last line has very little to add to all this, it explains the situation and in poetry we don't like to see things being explained. we need to figure out meanings. Besides, If the last line is deleted,then the "she" in the previous lines could refer to more than one signified, and that can really enrich the meaning of the poem. Thank you very much.

[easyeverett]

I agree with NisreenS. You could even start the poem with:

"If you want to see me die just tell me you don't love me.

And there I lay......" Nice and descriptive verse Kevinthediltz.
I enjoyed. easy

[easyeverett]

I agree with NireenS. You could for a more dramatic effect, start the poem with:

"If you want to see me die, just tell me you don’t love me."

Very descriptive verse and I enjoyed. easy

[kevinthediltz]

thank you both very much. and i was debating with myself on adding the last line.

[Angelic Devil]

The last line isn't at best, but the imagery, the halo of blood.. it is all too nice! Work on the last line more, you can come up with something brilliant if you keep trying!

[PrinceMyshkin]

Contrary to most of the previous posters, I like the last line, just where it is. It seems to me to show that everything that preceded it was an attempt to make poetry out of pain, but here at last is the plain, nakedly vulnerable heart of the matter.

[qimissung]

I agree with Nisreen and Prince. I do find that the best poetry I have written (granted not much) is served by sidestepping the issue and writing in symbols.

Your poem is excellent and vivd-you really have something here. To me, though, it is hovering on the edge of melodrama. Why? I asked myself. If you're going to remove something, what about rewriting the second to the last sentence: "She has taken everything." Stop right there and leave your last line. To me THAT has power. Now it's up to your brain to decide what YOU like.