Starting a short story...first paragraph inside...first thoughts?

[Styrofoam]

I've got the general idea of the story fleshed out in my head.

(I'm much more of a story thinker, and teller than a writer, but writing is the best way for my stories to come out...anyhow...)

I don't want to give away the premise of the story, or the ending or much of the plot... I'd like to know what first comes to your mind when you read the following paragraph: (feel free to rewrite any of it if you feel its not good as well, but this post is mainly to get an idea as to where the reader is going in his or her mind... for the rest of the story to follow.)


It was getting dark. Surely they would be looking for him by now, surely they'd realize he was missing. Johnny probably snitched for not bringing him, but its everyone for himself in this world, and if Johnny couldn't get out on his own, then Michael didn't need to worry about being slowed down. It wasn't much further to the edge of the woods. If he could make it there, no one would find him, and that is just how he wanted it.


Thats the paragraph. Thanks in advance.

[optimisticnad]

I've got the general idea of the story fleshed out in my head.

(I'm much more of a story thinker, and teller than a writer, but writing is the best way for my stories to come out...anyhow...)

I don't want to give away the premise of the story, or the ending or much of the plot... I'd like to know what first comes to your mind when you read the following paragraph: (feel free to rewrite any of it if you feel its not good as well, but this post is mainly to get an idea as to where the reader is going in his or her mind... for the rest of the story to follow.)


It was getting dark. Surely they would be looking for him by now, surely they'd realize he was missing. Johnny probably snitched for not bringing him, but its everyone for himself in this world, and if Johnny couldn't get out on his own, then Michael didn't need to worry about being slowed down. It wasn't much further to the edge of the woods. If he could make it there, no one would find him, and that is just how he wanted it.


Thats the paragraph. Thanks in advance.

I didn't understand this part: 'and if Johnny couldn't get out on his own, then Michael didn't need to worry about being slowed down' - do you mean if Johnny couldn't get out on his own Michael would be slowed down?

Sounds like a mystery, is he running away? why? what from? It's a good way to start by raising all these questions. I'd work on the getting dark idea a bit more, add a sense of menace perhaps?

By the way - EVERYONE is much more of a story thinker than writer. that's the hard bit but work at it daily and take it slow. and re-edit, re-edit, re-edit. You think masterpieces were written in a day? Good luck!