February Rain

[Pendragon]

February Rain

The birds all huddle mournfully
On the ink-drawn braches of the trees—
The smoke lies low and menacing
As it escapes homes and factories—
The fog is a lonely blanket
Over the mountains and deep valleys—
Lost in a cold February rain…

My heart grows very weary
From these things that I endure—
Am I all that I could be
Is something of which I am never sure—
A struggle to keep body and soul together
That has lost its sweet allure—
Lost in this cold February rain…

Walking down a foggy trail
Wondering what today might contain—
The sunshine’s gone and the shadows grow
What lurks in the inky stains—
When joy is removed from life
What is there that remains—
Lost in this damn cold February rain…

Pendragon
© Wednesday, February 18, 2009

[PrinceMyshkin]

Of course this line

What lurks in the inky stains—© Wednesday, February 18, 2009

stands out by itself and all the more so by echoing that earlier reference to the trees or branches, but the whole of the poem builds quietly, assuredly, gathering force as it goes along. Surely one of the ones you're most proud of, deservedly?

[a_little_wisp]

My heart grows very weary
From these things that I endure—
Am I all that I could be
Is something of which I am never sure—
A struggle to keep body and soul together
That has lost its sweet allure—
Lost in this cold February rain…

Oh, Pendragon, I felt like I was walking with you.

We just had a February rain yesterday here, and I don't think I've ever missed home more. Well done, beautifully captured.

[~Sophia~]

Hi Pendragon! I think this is very good. I just have a couple of tiny nits and please feel free to ignore them at will.


February Rain

The smoke lies low and menacing
As it escapes homes and factories—

IMHO the tenses don't match here. The smoke lies low which to me says it escaped some time ago. Would you consider

The smoke lies low and menacing
an escapee of homes and factories (or something along those lines)


Am I all that I could be
Is something of which I am never sure—

and I stumbled a bit here. These two lines feel awkward. I think you could lose the "Is something of which I am never sure" and not injure the poem at all.


What lurks in the inky stains—
When joy is removed from life
What is there that remains—
Lost in this damn cold February rain…

LOVE THESE LINES!!!! All in all a masterful poem.

[Pendragon]

Thanks guys. Sophia, one thing I never do is edit a poem after I have completed it. I did that once for a picky editor, and she still rejected the poem. I decided then and there that my poetry may be wonderful to downright terrible, but it is still mine, and I do not change like the breeze. :)

[Lokasenna]

The poem has a soft, but resolute movement that appeals.


A struggle to keep body and soul together
That has lost its sweet allure—

These lines, I particularly like. They embody the passive melancholy of the piece.

Given your comment about not editing your poems (and that's fair enough - it certainly annoys me when I feel I have to do so), this comment is sort of unhelpful, but here it goes: I would switch the second and third stanzas around (except for the last line of each, of course). I'm not sure why, but that just felt more right to me...

[AuntShecky]

The fact that you are not intimidated by arranging your verse into stanzas and that you have no fear of rhyme is refreshing to
this reader. Concerning the rhymes in this piece, they are good
choices.

[~Sophia~]

please feel free to ignore them at will.

Sorry Pendragon, I'm used to a workshop site and just getting used to the ins and outs of here. I won't make this mistake again!:(

[Silas Thorne]

Love it, Pendragon, it really builds up, and I can gather the feel together from the whole.

[qimissung]

I love those kinds of days now, but when I was younger, they did leave me feeling melancholy..b-r-r-r. It's beautiful, Pendragon.