Ooze

[Cellar Door]

I always wanted to be
one of those girls
who oozes sex-

The ones who float into a room
on stiletto heels
and men's desire-

The fifties film star who purrs
for a cigarette, diamonds burning
from her throat-

I want to laugh
and wear lust like perfume;
I never want to pay for a drink again-

I want to use words like "darling"
while blood red lipstick screams
against my mouth-

But you can't smoke in bars
And I can't walk in heels
And Marilyn Monroe is dead

[~Sophia~]

I really like this poem. Easy language and a clear voice. Well done!



But you can't smoke in bars
And I can't walk in heels
And Marilyn Monroe is dead

But you know, if you come down to the D.R. for a visit, you can smoke in the bars, all the girls (and some boys) wear spikes and Marilyn(s) and Elvis(') appear nightly! :D

[a_little_wisp]

- First, I'd just like to say, "Me too." Unfortunately, I snort sometimes when I laugh, wear Converse, and have sneezing fits when I'm waitressing in the smoking section.


I want to use words like "darling"
while blood red lipstick screams
against my mouth-


Favorite part, right there. Not sure why, I'll get back to you on it if I find out. O.o


But you can't smoke in bars
And I can't walk in heels
And Marilyn Monroe is dead

I really like this 'crush' - that bitter finality, that sense of a door closing on an old world.

Very cool, very nice.

[Cellar Door]

Thanks for your kind words, Wisp and Sophia!

Sophia- sorry, but I can't walk in high heels, certainly not in stilettos, but i'll toast some of my sangria to your DR

Wisp- sometimes a little snort can be sexy, right? :)

[a_little_wisp]

Wisp- sometimes a little snort can be sexy, right? :)


:( I didn't *think* so... I'll ask one of my guy friends. :idea:

[Delta40]

This is a wonderful poem. It reflects so well that which doesn't reflect back in my mirror! Thanks Cellar Door.

[blp]

I like this and I like snorting too, more than sultry cigarette voices and slashes of vampish lipstick.

I think I might prefer this poem with some longer lines:

I always wanted to be one of those girls who oozes
sex-

The ones who float into a room on stiletto heels
and men's desire-

The fifties film star who purrs for a cigarette, diamonds burning
from her throat-

I want to laugh and wear lust like perfume;
I never want to pay for a drink again-

I want to use words like "darling" while blood red lipstick
screams against my mouth-

But you can't smoke in bars
And I can't walk in heels
And Marilyn Monroe is dead


I dunno. I might be wrong. You always say you want tough criticism, CD, so I'll say, it seems to me some of the lines could be beefed up, imbued more with the rhythms and imagery of the films you're invoking perhaps, which often have some pretty evocative language in them. I know it might be sort of unfair to take them out of context, but

I want to laugh

I want to use words like "darling"

don't seem to me to be doing as much as they could. You could also argue that the somewhat flat language of the last stanza is right in pulling the rug out from the fantasy, but that would be stronger if what led up to it was more, you know, over the top.

But I like it.

[Lokasenna]

I really liked this. It had a sort of whimsical melancholy, self-conciouss without being self-absorbed.

[Pendragon]

What a great little poem. Words can't describe the longing and the reality you put into this one! :thumbs_up

[a_little_wisp]

I like this and I like snorting too, more than sultry cigarette voices and slashes of vampish lipstick.


ah hah! Mystery solved.

[blp]

ah hah! Mystery solved.

What mystery?

[Cellar Door]

blp- as always you are invaluable to helping me critique my poems... What would I do without you? I like the idea of a stronger comparison between the last stanza and the rest, as far as language, but I have no idea how to do that without making it too clunky. I like the flow of this one, and don't want to interrupt it... hmm.

Thank you Delta, Lokasenna, and Pendragon for your compliments! *I blush*

Wisp- about the snorting, I told you so!! :brow:

[The Walker]

i like it simplisity (i dont know if it is right spelled)
and the bitter end too.
good job!