A Wrung Napkin Speaks Volumes

[~Sophia~]

and what if the sun takes 

itself out of the equation 



refusing the pull between 

east and west - day and night


rebound and fatigue

or the ocean catapults 


during the awkward pauses 

and the what ifs while we 


debate (whether this is a mistake) 

ourselves to death and 



the cabernet on my teeth 

confirms I’m less than 

you’d hoped for

[blp]

Is there another way to say 'speaks volumes'?

I'm not quite getting the connection between the sun, waves and the debate, but I love the way this reads and the perfect, absurd detail of wine on teeth and how a debate like this magnifies that kind of thing.

[PrinceMyshkin]

and what if the sun takes 

itself out of the equation 



refusing the pull between 

east and west - day and night


rebound and fatigue

or the ocean catapults 


during the awkward pauses 

and the what ifs while we 


debate (whether this is a mistake) 

ourselves to death and 



the cabernet on my teeth 

confirms I’m less than 

you’d hoped for

I very much share blp's admiration for the wine on the persona's teeth and what's more I love the way it pulls the rug out from under the more serious, solemn language that precedes it.

Plus, the voice throughout is so credible. Great title, by the way.

[~Sophia~]

Hi blp! Thanks for stopping in. Originally the title was "A Wrung Napkin Speaks". I added "Volumes" after several unfortunate meetings with potential boyfriends LOL.

The poem is about those first meetings (usually a restaurant or coffee shop) with someone you've been corresponding with on-line or a blind date set up by so-called friends and family.

The conversation usually starts out fairly benign. Weather and a lot of blah blah blah while you are actually sizing each other up. The whole thing even nauseates the ocean (heave) and finally, the cabernet on the teeth (and wrung napkin) the outcome of said rendezvous. Is the poem is too vague?

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Hey Prince... we must have been posting at the same time LOL. Thanks on all counts!!!!

[blp]

I thought it was about an established couple arguing. But vague may be OK. It reads so well.

I just don't like 'speaks volumes' because it's a cliché.

[~Sophia~]

It could be an established couple arguing. That's just not what was in my head when I wrote it.

I thought about the cliche in the title but since those tortuous first date evenings are cliche too I thought it would be okay.

Now I think you are right. It is better without it so... I've changed it. Thank goodness for the edit button! Thanks blp! Much appreciated!! :thumbs_up

[Virgil]

Well, Spohia, I'm not sure your intended situation comes through, but I don't think it really matters. We can project almost anything as to what the situation is and I think that's fine, if not actually best. I love the openning hypethetical and the tension you create with it, and like everyone else I think those closing three lines are a doozy. I'm stuck on one line which seems incomprehensible to me, "or the ocean catapults." It's odd enough if you used catapult as a transitive verb (i.e., the ocean catapults fish, to pick any object, and therefore the ocean is acting as catapulting machine) but you use it as a intransitive verb. I can't put my arms around that. Now the notion that the ocean can be catapulted is absurd to begin with, and I do think that's your point anyway. (Don't mind me, I'm just thinking out loud. :p). But I think it would work best if it were to catapult something, be a transitive verb. Or I guess, another permutation coming to mind, one could read that as a transitive verb with the object missing. Perhaps I making too much of that one line, but it's jarring. Not that I'm recommending you should change it. I just think you should be conscious of what you intend with that line.

Hey, fine poem though. :D

[~Sophia~]

Hi Virgil. This is such a great workshop site. The comments help tremendously.

When I used the word "catapults" I was thinking tsunami, heave. I thought the use was correct but now I'm not sure. I looked this up in the dictionary

–verb (used without object)

8: to move or spring up suddenly, quickly, or forcibly, as if by means of a catapult: The car catapulted down the highway. When he heard the alarm he catapulted out of bed.


but now I'm still not sure. I love the visual the word induces (at least in my own mind). I could make it funny!

A Wrung Napkin Speaks 



and what if the sun takes 

itself out of the equation 



refusing the pull between 

east and west - day and night


rebound and fatigue

or the ocean catapults sushi


during the awkward pauses 

and the what ifs while we 


debate (whether this is a mistake) 

ourselves to death and 



the cabernet on my teeth 

confirms I’m less than 

you’d hoped

------------------------------
I'm open to suggestions! :idea:

[PrinceMyshkin]

I thought it was about an established couple arguing. But vague may be OK. It reads so well.

I just don't like 'speaks volumes' because it's a cliché.

I don't want to risk high-jacking Sophia's thread, so maybe it would be a good idea, blp, if you or I started a thread in the discussion of literary matters re cliches? Personally I think that the strenuous reach to avoid using a so-called cliche can be more egregious than the cliche itself and in general that we should not study or practice Poetry as a Second Language.

[PrinceMyshkin]

No, PLEASE


or the ocean catapults sushi


do NOT change it to that because

1) some pedant might then come along and ask But do you mean nigirisushi, makisushi, unagi &c.?

2) for those who picked up "ocean catapults" as tsunami, that's a powerful image and in keeping with the strong images around it and

3) having a funny line there takes away a bit from the wonderful surprise of the self-mocking humour at the end.

[~Sophia~]

Hi Prince, thanks for the encouragement and the always thoughtful, detailed comments! (and don't worry, I was only kidding about the sushi). Mwahhhh

[firefangled]

My vote is as you have it now A Wrung Napkins Speaks. The sun, moon, and earth are arrested. Volumes is in that.

I would say the ocean gags during the awkward pauses.

I love the poem Sophia for everything that has been said. I think it could be any couple not finding common ground to go forward and you summed that up beautifully with the last lines.

[Virgil]

Hi Virgil. This is such a great workshop site. The comments help tremendously.

When I used the word "catapults" I was thinking tsunami, heave. I thought the use was correct but now I'm not sure. I looked this up in the dictionary

–verb (used without object)

8: to move or spring up suddenly, quickly, or forcibly, as if by means of a catapult: The car catapulted down the highway. When he heard the alarm he catapulted out of bed.


but now I'm still not sure. I love the visual the word induces (at least in my own mind). I could make it funny!

or the ocean catapults sushi




:lol: No don't do that. I would change the verb rather than give it an object. ...the ocean swells, or the ocean cracks, or the ocean retreats, or go through some verbs until you find one that fits.

[~Sophia~]

Hi firefangled. Thanks for reading and your recommendations! In fact, I love "the ocean gags" (I wish I had thought of it). I think it's perfect in conveying the image I was hoping to achieve in that line.

A Wrung Napkin Speaks - revised

and what if the sun takes 

itself out of the equation


refusing the pull between 

east and west - day and night


rebound and fatigue

or the ocean gags


during the awkward pauses 

and the what ifs while we 


debate (whether this is a mistake) 

ourselves to death and 


the cabernet on my teeth 

confirms I’m less than 

you’d hoped for

_________________________________

Virgil :D as you can see above, I'm not using sushi LMAO! Thanks for questioning catapult. I think working out the title (and the word we won't speak of) it's a better poem.

Many thanks to everyone.

[qimissung]

I like the 'ocean gags', but I also liked 'the ocean catapults.' The language or poetry is symbolic.

Is it saying what you want it to say?
Do you like how it sounds?

Those, I think, are the questions to ask as you compose. Love it, and like everyone else, love that last line!

[kiz_paws]

I am glad that you took away 'the ocean catapults sushi' part, it just didn't fit. ;)

Fire spoke the words that I felt:
I think it could be any couple not finding common ground to go forward and you summed that up beautifully with the last lines.Yes, those last lines were perfect. :)

[Virgil]

Virgil :D as you can see above, I'm not using sushi LMAO! Thanks for questioning catapult. I think working out the title (and the word we won't speak of) it's a better poem.

Many thanks to everyone.

You're welcomed.

[~Sophia~]

Thanks kiz_paws. There was never any danger of my using sushi. I was just playing around when I posted that!

[AuntShecky]

Yes I do like this poem very much, and suspect that the theme
of the larger scheme of things (gravitational pulls, geothermal
forces, etc.) sometimes gets pushed aside by our little puny
worries about inconsequential matters. My only question: how could red wine stain one's teeth, even dentures? I've heard of spinach sticking to one's choppers-- now that's embarrassing!

[~Sophia~]

Hello AuntShecky. Thanks for stopping in. I'm happy you like the poem. Regarding wine stains, I considered broccoli but that was too cliche (lol, nudge, nudge, wink, wink) and I had a friend with beautiful teeth but every time he drank red wine they turned pink. I don't know why. Also, I don't like broccoli but, I love red wine!!!

[blp]

I don't like broccoli

The king of vegetables.

[Pendragon]

I dunno Sophia-- I kinda like the original better...:thumbs_up

[a_little_wisp]

I dunno Sophia-- I kinda like the original better...:thumbs_up

Agreed!

Very beautiful, well-written. Before reading the other comments, I didn't think there was anything wrong with 'catapults' (then again, I should probably finish this semester's grammar course). I live very near to the beach and I think that's a wonderful way to describe the rolling motion of the waves, 'specially during storms. Waves definitely catapult. So do feelings. :D ... Waves catapult? I dunno, I like ocean in there. Anyway!

The sushi thing made me laugh - I just picture thousands of sushi flying out of the ocean.

I like this a lot. :D

[~Sophia~]

blp
The king of vegetables.

actually, I don't mind the trunk, it's the branches that are gross!:sick: I use the trunks in all kinds of stir-fries and soups but in my house it's off with their heads!

___________________________________

Hello Pendragon. It's tough knowing what to do. I like both versions. Thank goodness I'm not submitting to an ezine. I'd have to choose! Thanks for leaving a comment!

__________________________________

a_little_wisp - Thanks for reading it. Now I'm totally confused on which version to toss and which to keep :brickwall


The sushi thing made me laugh - I just picture thousands of sushi flying out of the ocean.

I know, wouldn't that be hysterical. I laughed when I wrote that too. Little California Rolls all over the beach!:lol:

[Delta40]

I scroll through comments without reading them (blush) The ocean catapults. The backhanded short, sharp, slaps that one gets when they look toward the point of interest. Mouth left open, it is filled with salty aftermath. Very good. I like it. That is how a date can go.

[~Sophia~]

Delta! Are angels supposed to talk like that???? :lol:

Mouth left open, it is filled with salty aftermath.

(she replies after writing sticky note to self "steal the line"). Seriously ... thanks for adding to my confusion LOL!!! :cool:

[Delta40]

Omg! I just copyrighted it! I was soooo busy thinking of the ocean, I overlooked the intimacies of life......

Thanx Sophia

[~Sophia~]

Omg! I just copyrighted it!

Dam-n, foiled again. The good ones always get away :bawling: