Under A Roman Sun

[Dark Muse]

Under A Roman Sun

I first saw you on the steps in Rome
sitting beneath the burning Mediterranean sun
there was a touch of dejection about you
but your eyes spoke of hidden loneliness
and against the golden reds, yellow and orange
you stood out from the rest.

A hint of self-possession,
you owned your loneliness
with defiance sparking
already ready upon your tongue.

I knew, I was doomed before I had
a chance to start, it was understood
the fact that you could not hide your
sadness completely, only made it worse
you would spurn companionship with heated
intensity.

Your warmth covered the layers
of coldness which would not melt nor thaw
daggers you slew me with, before your eyes
ever even saw.

Your laughter I heard, though you spoke
not a word, it would come with a trace
of superiority, your world you ruled
unmoved, untouched, so I turned to depart
and while you shall never understand
there was a moment under the Roman sun
that we forever shared.

[PrinceMyshkin]

This wonderfully conveys in narrative form the short history of this would-be love affair, but


Under A Roman Sun

I first saw you on the steps in Rome
sitting beneath the burning Mediterranean sun
there was a touch of dejection about you
but your eyes spoke of hidden loneliness

it would be better I thinkif "but" were "and" as the dejection and the loneliness do not appear to be in contrast, and


daggers you slew me with, before your eyes
ever even saw.

feels incomplete. Before she ever even saw you, I suppose, but leaving it open like that kind of suggests that she was either literally or spiritually blind in general.

[Dark Muse]

Thank you for your comments

[andave_ya]

That is a lovely poem, DM!
The second to last verse, with the melting daggers thing, reminded me of a fantasy book I read once - an ice queen stabbed a king with an ice dagger but he melted it while writing...I forgot what, but some screed full of nobility and love and heroics, etc. So that added another dimension to the piece for me :).

...And the second verse...captures the Mediterranean mentality quite nicely :).

[Dark Muse]

Thank you