Love Poem Critique Would Be Helpful

[JBrower]

Can I get some help with critiques on this poem? It's for a college class, and I'm not much of a poet, but I like to give my best effort to do the medium justice. Help, please?

Since Love chooses words far better than I,
She’ll paint your likeness in stars against sky.
But even Night Sky’s deep purples and blues,
Never rival your—more heavenly—hues.
Like twink’ling stars, paused Angels mid-flight,
Your smile brightens the darkest pitches of Night.

[TheFifthElement]

Why don't you start it off J and then people can pitch in?

[JBrower]

Why don't you start it off J and then people can pitch in?

no no, i think you misunderstand. i wrote the poem for a class. i just want some critiques of it so i can make it better. i am not doing critiques for a class

[JBI]

As trad'tion has come, and with it great strain,
So Pope rings throughout, to small or no gain.
Love feeds much, on both honesty and youth,
But verse feeds on insight, and from that, truth.


Really, was it an exercise in metre, or simply a decision to work like that. The convention feels very 18th century, and since I don't think you are trying to ironize it, I must think you deliberately wish to corset yourself to such a form, for some reason. I just don't like the form, especially with the 18th century periphrasis thrown in there, making it seem more and more old-fashion and false.

[LitNetIsGreat]

For me parenthesising “more heavenly” interrupts the flow of the poem. “Twinkling stars” is a bit of cliché, I would exchange “twinkling” for something else and it’s a bit short, I would include another couplet maybe connecting to the first line, even better if you could extend it to fit the sonnet form. The couplet rhyme scheme creates a simple effect which doesn’t tally with love’s complexity. I like the idea of the first line, the poet stumbling to find the right words in face of his love, its quite a traditional idea found for example in the sonnets of Philip Sidney.