Schism

[NickAdams]

He was tied to a pyre of well seasoned oak after being convicted
of cross-dressing. His naked body shook from the cold and
the braided scales bowed at his flesh, while the gag muted his soprano.

He was not pleased with his audience, who danced with torches and keroscene.
The actions of his compatriots vexed him and he sought enlightenment,
"How have I ," the suction provoked by the vowel i caused him to choke
and after a silence ... he continued, "wronged you?"

The hums of his plea could not be heard over the celebration and more significantly,
through the cloth that sealed his mouth. It was useless he thought
where is the crime in compassion where is the crime in hope I tried to bring peace
did I not go through the proper channels is this a crime of etiquette quite the punishment
for using the incorrect fork what of the rites of knowledge the rites of salvation
death seems an impractical prize for failure is bronze or silver anymore hopeful
is the incentive worth the trial...
He continued to think, about many things: tightropes, apes and trees. He thought about
the morning of his inquisition, which he found more exclamatory than interrogative,
and wondered if Socrates had not damned him.

ask questions ask questions what a thing to say you yes you were put to death but it was with poison
you pug faced bonzo at least you had some wine O wine what I would not do for a taste some wine and some flesh searing burning flesh damn you this is not athens I would like to be a sophist like my compatriots no questions no questions no tightrope no abyss just the darkness the cool darkness no light no sun and if there were light I would stay with the shadows in the cool away from the warmth the sticky sweaty devil the inferno of hell burning burn burn the devil burn the devil in saints clothing

Their chanting ended in the evening, their shadows were left dancing on the ground, the flame extinguished itself and the remains were left for erosion.

[NickAdams]

Criticism?

[AuntShecky]

I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier, Nick. Anyway, the tone reminds me a little of "The Grand Inquisitor." The criticism is
Auntie's same old/same old mantra: "Show, don't tell."
The opening paragraph is a little heavy on narrative. Make it a little more immediate by putting it in the point of view of the
persecuted person. You could also try reversing the order of the two opening paragraphs.

The story could also use more fleshing out.

Don't go just by what I say.
Some other LitNetters should comment on this.
I emphasize (is that a woid?) with you. I know what it's like to put effort into posting something and not to see some feedback. But I adore the LitNet, don't you? It's the best of its kind. Believe me, I know.
Sincerely,
Auntie

[Silas Thorne]

Missed this as well. Great work! I love the freedom of the language. A character restrained, though with a mind unrestrained. Yes, I would like to see it expanded too.

I am a little confused stylistically. Some of the lines are perfectly lucid and articulate and employ commas, full stops etc, while others in the stream of thought have removed such grammatical ties. However, why return to lucidity in the midst of the wordstream to go back to third person narrative? It seems to me anyway that streams of thought are timeless in nature, so you don't need to jump out again to state what he thought, when we can see that thought in motion. Just my opinion.

I love the phrase 'the gag muted his soprano'. :) And the 'pug faced bonzo' - would the character be a Cynic?

I think 'he was not pleased with his audience...' loses a little with the clear description of his situation early on in the piece.

Just some ideas. Take them with caution. My words run faster than my mind can follow. I hope I've caught up this time. :)

[prendrelemick]

I liked the run on stream of thoughts with no punctuation. And the way they lose focus and crave coolness as the fire burns.

[NickAdams]

I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier, Nick. Anyway, the tone reminds me a little of "The Grand Inquisitor."

No problem at all. I'm glad you eventually came to it. :)
I have not read that yet. I'm still going through my first Dostoevsky (C&P).


The criticism is
Auntie's same old/same old mantra: "Show, don't tell."
The opening paragraph is a little heavy on narrative. Make it a little more immediate by putting it in the point of view of the
persecuted person. You could also try reversing the order of the two opening paragraphs.

The story could also use more fleshing out.

Don't go just by what I say.
Some other LitNetters should comment on this.
I emphasize (is that a woid?) with you. I know what it's like to put effort into posting something and not to see some feedback. But I adore the LitNet, don't you? It's the best of its kind. Believe me, I know.
Sincerely,
Auntie

I had to step away from this story for awhile to see it, but I agree with you. I still like the descriptive bits, but the telling of the characters feeling should be reworked.

The first paragraph can replace the second and still work, but I think I would rewrite what is now the second paragraph.

I would like to flesh it out. I always write in one sitting and it's hard for me to return to the state of mind I had for a particular piece.

I truly do adore Lit-Net.


Missed this as well. Great work! I love the freedom of the language. A character restrained, though with a mind unrestrained. Yes, I would like to see it expanded too.

I am a little confused stylistically. Some of the lines are perfectly lucid and articulate and employ commas, full stops etc, while others in the stream of thought have removed such grammatical ties. However, why return to lucidity in the midst of the wordstream to go back to third person narrative? It seems to me anyway that streams of thought are timeless in nature, so you don't need to jump out again to state what he thought, when we can see that thought in motion. Just my opinion.

I love the phrase 'the gag muted his soprano'. :) And the 'pug faced bonzo' - would the character be a Cynic?

I think 'he was not pleased with his audience...' loses a little with the clear description of his situation early on in the piece.

Just some ideas. Take them with caution. My words run faster than my mind can follow. I hope I've caught up this time. :)

Thanks.:D

I wanted to do two things when I wrote this. I wanted to display the tragic reality of the character (through stream-of-conscious) and I wanted to create, not a comedic tone, but a less serious (almost playful) one through third-person.

You got it! He is a Cynic.:nod: I didn't know if the allusion was clear.

And I totally agree with you on: "he was not pleased with his audience".



I liked the run on stream of thoughts with no punctuation. And the way they lose focus and crave coolness as the fire burns.

Thanks. I spent a large portion of the writing time working on those particular sections.

[ozhansean]

Ok, Adams,I am going to have to uncover your other posts, I liked this a lot. Only one thing;

You have an ambiance to the story that leaves plenty of room for more description. I always like to know smells, the feelings, the expressions, tastes. The story is not lacking of those by it has room for it. Just a preference. As I said I liked it very much.

[DanielBenoit]

I agree with Silas, I love the freedom of the language and structure. The second paragraph was a bit melodramatic for my taste, but I love the ambiguity. The "tightropes, apes and trees" made me think of the begining of Thus Spoke Zarathustra.

Sorry if the criticism isn't very useful, but I'm a bit drained today.

[NickAdams]

Ok, Adams,I am going to have to uncover your other posts, I liked this a lot. Only one thing;

You have an ambiance to the story that leaves plenty of room for more description. I always like to know smells, the feelings, the expressions, tastes. The story is not lacking of those by it has room for it. Just a preference. As I said I liked it very much.

Thanks.:blush:


I agree with Silas, I love the freedom of the language and structure. The second paragraph was a bit melodramatic for my taste, but I love the ambiguity. The "tightropes, apes and trees" made me think of the begining of Thus Spoke Zarathustra.

Sorry if the criticism isn't very useful, but I'm a bit drained today.

Thanks. I'm glad you thought of "Thus Spoke Zarathustra", because that was the allusion:D.