Twilight

[NickAdams]

"God is dead," spoke Mustachio, "and we have murdered him."
Authorities found the body yesterday afternoon after receiving a tip from a pious man who asked to remain Synonymous.
The pious informant delivered the sermon via phone saying, "God is everywhere." Authorities refused to comment on whether or not Synonymous had been named an accomplice.

"Do you hear," Mustachio stood on the stations pews and demanded that something be done, "Who will act? Where is justice? What a crime. What an abomination! God is everywhere; God is dismembered."
"You're going to sit down or I'm going to come over there and lay my hand on you."
"Dismembered," spoke Mustachio,"dismembered."

The authority prepared his hand for rest, but when Mustachio saw the palm approach he jumped over the pew and ran out of the station and into the starry night of the twilight of Idols. Washed before him was an open street, which was both exhilarating and terrifying.

[jon1jt]

You haven't hugged a horse lately, have you? ;)

Interesting. I like the concept, but too dense.

[Virgil]

You haven't hugged a horse lately, have you? ;)

Interesting. I like the concept, but too dense.

Yeah, that's a good way to put it. I feel the same. The words seem to bumb into each other.

[NickAdams]

:lol:
I'll refine it.

[Makai]

I actually thought this very clever, what makes it rather heavy is that it reads as prose. Perhaps the other commenters are right "less is more" in this instance.

[NickAdams]

I actually thought this very clever, what makes it rather heavy is that it reads as prose. Perhaps the other commenters are right "less is more" in this instance.

It's from an automatic writing session and started as a short story for the forum contest, but I got bored and added the line breaks to create the impression of a poem. I've edited it, but the qualities I enjoyed most have been lost. Perhaps I should convert it back into a short story and take time to expand it.
Thanks for the comment.

[blp]

Or maybe just try it without line breaks. It does seem a little prosy, but I like it.

[NickAdams]

Or maybe just try it without line breaks. It does seem a little prosy, but I like it.

:thumbs_up

[Pendragon]

Nice concept, but I wouldn't define it as poetry per se

[NickAdams]

Nice concept, but I wouldn't define it as poetry per se

I originally posted it with line breaks, because I felt it to short to be a short story, but it didn't work as a poem. It can be considered flash fiction and it should be moved to short story in its current state.

[blp]

Yes, that works very well. I think it's still a poem.