please review my opening paragraph

[Veva]

this is some sort of prologue for what I have been working on recently...do you find it gripping.. isn't it hackneyed? Please assess>

She has always wanted to become an artists. To be a part of the organised havoc, while emotions are rudimentary foundations of something that can lead to a pleasure called catharsis. What has always fascinated her, since she was at teen-age, was that artists give away their sentiments, their feelings, something that stays utterly hidden in the souls of ordinary people. "ordinary and arid", she said and I agreed, as usual.

[LitNetIsGreat]

Hi, there is a couple of minor mistakes and things I would personally change a little though they are not technically wrong, I just would word it differently. I do very much like the thoughts in the third sentence though.



She has always wanted to become an artists. To be a part of the organised havoc, while emotions are rudimentary foundations of something that can lead to a pleasure called catharsis. What has always fascinated her, since she was at teen-age, was that artists give away their sentiments, their feelings, something that stays utterly hidden in the souls of ordinary people. "ordinary and arid", she said and I agreed, as usual.

Here is how I would re-write it:

She has always wanted to become an artist. To be a part of the organised havoc. What has always fascinated her, since she was a teenager, was that artists give away their sentiments, their feelings, something that stays utterly hidden in the souls of ordinary people.
"Ordinary and arid", she said and I agreed, as usual.

[JoeLopp]

I like your changes, Neely. I wasn't quite sure where--

while emotions are rudimentary foundations of something that can lead to a pleasure called catharsis.

--fit into that particular sentence. It's a very interesting line to be explored, I think, but perhaps a bit premature. It may really work better somewhere after those opening sentences? So, don't toss it entirely...

[LitNetIsGreat]

Yes I felt it was a bit wordy and confusing for an opening paragraph. "Ordinary and arid" is not quite right either, the "arid" part could perhaps be expanded a bit, "Ordinary and as dry as the earth" or something like that I don't know, maybe get rid of that comma before "as usual," so we could have (this is fun):

She has always wanted to become an artist. To be a part of the organised havoc. What has always fascinated her, since she was a teenager, was that artists give away their sentiments, their feelings, something that stays utterly hidden in the souls of ordinary people.
"Ordinary and as dry as the earth," she said thoughtfully and I agreed as usual.

I can't make up my mind about the comma. I do love the third sentence though, I think we have something here, come on let's have the next paragraph Veva. :)

[blp]

She has always wanted to become an artist. To be a part of the organised havoc. What has always fascinated her, since she was a teenager, was that artists give away their sentiments, their feelings, something that stays utterly hidden in the souls of ordinary people.
"Ordinary and arid", she said and I agreed, as usual.

Just a few of further amendments, not all of which are shown in red:

She has always wanted to become an artist, to be a part of the organised havoc. What has always[you don't need this again and it doesn't really make sense - always, or just since she was a teenager?] fascinated her since she was a teenager is the way artists give away their sentiments, their feelings, things that stay utterly hidden in the souls of ordinary people: "Ordinary and arid", she says and I agree, as usual.

Note that this tense is right if most of what follows is going to be in the present tense. If it's all going to be in the past tense, this needs to be written as follows:

She had always wanted to become an artist, to be a part of the organised havoc. What had fascinated her since she was a teenager was the way artists give away their sentiments, their feelings, things that stay utterly hidden in the souls of ordinary people: "Ordinary and arid", she said and I agreed, as usual.

I think it's good, not hackneyed.

[LitNetIsGreat]

Yes I think that is a fair point. So what we have now is (don't forget I somewhat presumptuously changed the last part):


She has always wanted to become an artist. To be a part of the organised havoc. What had fascinated her, since she was a teenager, was that artists give away their sentiments, their feelings, something that stays utterly hidden in the souls of ordinary people.
"Ordinary and as dry as the earth," she said thoughtfully and I agreed as usual.

No, I hate my shallow simile there, change it back or put something else in.


She has always wanted to become an artist. To be a part of the organised havoc. What had fascinated her, since she was a teenager, was that artists give away their sentiments, their feelings, something that stays utterly hidden in the souls of ordinary people.
"Ordinary and arid," she said thoughtfully and I agreed as usual.

Yes I think that is better as it was but with "thoughtfully" added and the comma removed. This is good now, come on I want the next bit, I want to know what happens. :thumbs_up

[Veva]

Thank you very much, I really appreciate it... there is something more I would like you to go through for and with me please... here it is, this is what follows...

It’s been a long time since we first met. It was during the admissions test at my university. I wanted to study Politics and she enlisted for the International Relationships course. I have no idea what she was doing there, because this was not the kind of course people expected her to enlist for. The room was packed with young people awaiting the chance of their life and you could cut the nervousness in the air. I found myself interfering with the idea of leaving at once, but then I decided to stay and I finished the test 20minutes earlier. As I was sitting in my chair, which was painfully turning into the good old sparkly, I spotted a girl dwelling contently in her chair. What immediately crossed my mind was that with so white skin and black hair, she could be a fetish model. I beheld her test sheet, written all over by a thick black pen. Among numerous drawings of anarchy signs, stars, broken hearts and one little cartoon of a hangman, I caughed the sight of words – Bullet for my Valentine, Slipknot, but there were also things like – Life sucks, I want to die, I hate you… I, I, I.. I remarked to myself, “Do these freakin’ suicide EMOs even know what their label means?”

[mtpspur]

I came into this completely blind and not knowing you at all I had no preconceived notions what to expect. My critique is given with no claim to authoritative experience it is just first impressions. Now when i FIRST read it it was a little off-putting. I perked up at the phrase of organized havoc thinking that was neat touch but I was overall confused. Upon the SECOND reading it became clear the lady i question was stating his desire goals and the path leading to it so it made more sense to me at the second reading. Hope this helps.