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edenjane
01-23-2009, 12:07 PM
--I wrote this a long time ago and recently edited it, but it still doesn't seem right. Does anyone have any ideas?--

I looked at the pale body with a lack of expression, an empty canvas without a desire to be painted; and I tried my best to feel nothing. She hadn't been my mother, after all. I allowed the tender flesh of my fingertips to grace the line of her forehead, the steady wrinkle set there because of one too many hard decisions; one too many children outcast for the good of the family, as I had been. I leaned my head to the side, burying my opened eyes into hers.

She had a look of calm about her, although her limbs were twisted
wretchedly. She had struggled against it, but she was still resigned, still appeared confident that in the end she had won.

There were police, of course. They had called me in the night, one of so very few nights when sleep had been offered from the heated air, and asked me to identify a person, a dead person. I had convinced myself at the word “dead” that it was one of the girls I had known growing up. Perhaps it was Lana, with her six month old child on her seventeen year old hip, who I walked with on the way to day care so she could turn tricks near a construction site, or Anne, the reason for a case marked fragile, who could not help but to forget that cars didn't always stop when you walked in front of them. Or even Cassandra, a girl whose mother knew what she would be and named her for it. She was the one of us I had decided would survive, since she was named for a prophet. I expected one of them, or someone else, a name with a two sentence story attached to it that grew weary in my mouth when repeated too many times. Maybe even a face. Just someone I had come into contact with once, someone who paid a little too well, who touched just a little bit differently.

But I hadn't expected this woman. Not the woman who softly explained to me at the age of twelve that there were too many children in the house, that the younger ones needed her more than I did. That everything would be alright. I nodded for verification purposes when a man in a uniform asked me again. “Alice Randall.” It was a statement, not a question. He had already known who she was, she carried ID, but I guess I was the last step in a process to make sure a corpse was really a person and that a person was really a corpse. There were more questions, as there always seemed to be, but I didn't hear any of them. I could almost feel the dead woman's voice warm in my ear, her intensely silencing lullabies that could once rid me of any problems, and that would make me forget that I had to think about the bad with the good.

“That's all we need, thanks for coming out.” the man said more with his flatly blue eyes than his thin lips. I nodded again, grinning slightly.
I went home, back to the apartment where the sunflowers outgrew the dirt and died in the window sills. Back to the lover who had been quite curious as to where I had been for the past few hours. I shrugged, crawling into bed, and closed my eyes on the entire existence of Alice Randall, my first foster mother.

prendrelemick
01-24-2009, 09:25 AM
I like this story a lot. There is a bit more care needed in the editing though.(who is expressionless in the first sentence, for instance, the body or the narrator? And did she "grace" or trace her finger?)

That third paragraph should be made clearer, for me it was the meat of the piece, her backstory very cleverly revealed, but I had to read it 2 or 3 times to be sure of what you were saying. The bit about Cassandra is a little bogged down and you could have just written "forgot" instead of "who could not help but to forget".

I loved the line ; I expected one of them, or someone else, a name with a two sentence story attached to it that grew weary in my mouth - Weary is exactly the right word and resonates beyond the sentence into the whole story.
I also loved the bit about the sunflowers, where you encapsulate an entire neibourhood, its social class and its attitudes with one simple image. Thats what good writing is all about

There are a few adjectives that are not needed and some that sounded wrong to me (But thats a personal taste issue).

I found this story interesting AND affecting, if I appear critical it is because of this.

k

edenjane
01-24-2009, 01:23 PM
thanks very much for the notes. I agree with you on a lot of it, and I thank you for bringing it to my attention, it's little things like that which I miss and over all make me feel like there's something wrong with it. I'm so glad you liked that particular line (one of my favorites) and am even more glad you liked the bit about the sunflowers. It means that what I intend when I write is finally coming through.
thanks again.