21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

[Biggus]

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

# 1

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Thanks to a litigious culture, and a legal vulture
Humpty Dumpty made a big score

# 2

It's raining, it's pouring;
Politicians are snoring.
They had their chance
To save the world
Now we’re screwed by global warming

# 3

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair;
Said Simple Simon to the pie man "what have you got there?"
Said the pie man to Simple Simon "what do you expect me to have?"
“I’m the pie man so I’ve got pies you dozy chav”

# 4

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls but didn’t know why.
When the boys came out to play
He had more fun because he was gay

# 5

Mary Mary quite contrary,
How has your garden thrived?
With fertilizers and chemicals?
Or is it genetically modified?

# 6

Little Bo peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them.
She didn’t know about the foot and mouth
Or that the farmer had to burn them

# 7

I had a little hen,
The prettiest ever seen,
Which happily made
For such versatile cuisine
# 8

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
Of a fashionable eatery
When his food arrived in its design contrived
He said “What’s this supposed to be?”

# 9

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown,
The silly man would have looked better
If he waited till the warmer weather

# 10

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep her!
She slipped through his fingers like sand
So he ordered another one from Thailand

# 11

This little piggy has an ASBO
This little piggy’s in prison,
This little piggy was a car thief
This little piggy’s on the run
And this little piggy went...
"!£&&*!!!$" the anti social little bastard


SEE MORE BELOW

[Silas Thorne]

:lol: Great, cracks me up. Did you write these? :)

[Pensive]

Loved them. Very creative!

My favourites:

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls but didn’t know why.
When the boys came out to play
He had more fun because he was gay


Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep her!
She slipped through his fingers like sand
So he ordered another one from Thailand


This little piggy has an ASBO
This little piggy’s in prison,
This little piggy was a car thief
This little piggy’s on the run
And this little piggy went...
"!£&&*!!!$" the anti social little bastard


Mary Mary quite contrary,
How has your garden thrived?
With fertilizers and chemicals?
Or is it genetically modified?


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Thanks to a litigious culture, and a legal vulture
Humpty Dumpty made a big score

[Pendragon]

Amusing stuff, there!

I might have done this:

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown.
Now he needs his lawyers a little closer
As he was arrested for indecent exposure! :D

[Biggus]

# 12

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To spend some time with each other
Jack failed to rise
Jill raised her eyes
Then went off to find his big brother

# 13

Christmas is coming, the Geese are getting fat
The bird is a little fatty but I don’t mind that
If you haven’t got a Goose then a Turkey will do
If you haven’t got a Turkey, I’m not dining with you

# 14

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
They took with them a bucket
Jack made a play
Jill said “no way”
So he said to himself “oh bother”

# 15

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some snogging.
But on the way
They met Ray
And spent the afternoon dogging

# 16

Jack asked Jill
Are you on the pill?
As I have no form of protection
Jill looked grim
Then said to him
Where he could stick his erection

[qimissung]

I like 11, closely followed by 2. Hilarious!

[LostPrincess13]

:lol::lol::lol:

a true poet at work! :lol:

[~Sophia~]

:lol::lol::lol:snort:lol::lol::lol:

hmmm, wonder what you would do with

"There was a little girl
who had a little curl...

[PrinceMyshkin]

Thank God I'm not getting paid to judge the best of these because they range from gut-busting funny to merely brilliantly witty!!!

It's bloody compulsive! How about:



A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,
What makes you come so soon?
You used to come at 10 o'clock
But now you come as soon as you enter the room.

[Biggus]

:lol::lol::lol:snort:lol::lol::lol:

hmmm, wonder what you would do with

"There was a little girl
who had a little curl...


I will get back to you on this one.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment

[Lokasenna]

I'm stongly reminded of the politically correct fairytales - this sort of parody is superb!

[PrinceMyshkin]

:lol::lol::lol:snort:lol::lol::lol:

hmmm, wonder what you would do with

"There was a little girl
who had a little curl...
And every man who took a whirl
was pleased to reach
to her straight end.

[Biggus]

# 17

A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,
What makes you arrive so late
It’s no good arriving at 10 o'clock
You’re Headmaster for goodness sake

# 18 For Sophia

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Growing in the middle of her chest
With the sunlight on her
It looked like a comma
That punctuated her pert little breasts

(Little girl in this case refers to stature and not age, so stop composing a complaint already)

(Not really a nursery rhyme I know
So sorry to the fans of Longfellow)

# 19

A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,
What makes you come so soon?
Just think about cricket the next time
that we get down to it in my room

# 20

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Are you a star twinkling bright?
Or just another bloody satellite

# 21

Tom, Tom the pipers son
Stole a pig and away he ran,
The pig was ate and it tasted great
And so said everyone on Tom’s estate

# 22

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Are you the star I saw before?
Or an earth destroying meteor

[Biggus]

# 23

One, two, three, four, five.
Once I caught a fish alive,
But what we couldn’t see
The fish was full of Mercury

# 24

An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Isn’t really true
So the best thing to do
Is squirt some mace
Into their face

# 25

Goosey Goosey Gander where shall I wander,
Up hills, down dales with a bullet in the chamber
there I spied you plump and fat in my crosshairs
Then on the dinner table as we where saying prayers

# 26

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.
We just couldn’t wait to have more fun
As we heated some more in a spoon

# 27

Itsy Bitsy spider climbing up the spout
Where all the chemical waste comes out
Now Itsy Bitsy spider isn’t quite the same
And can no longer get in the spout again

# 28

Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
On a railway train
But he got in a muddle
And got off at Bristol
And said “Oh **** not again”

[Biggus]

# 29

Little Boy Blue
Come blow your horn,
And I’ll make you a superstar
In the world of porn

# 30

Hickory dickory dock
Something’s up with the clock
The clock’s struck dumb
The batteries run down
Useless bloody clock

# 31

London Bridge is falling down,
Falling down, falling down,
And the reason that its falling down
Built by Wimpy

# 32

Mondays child is bleary eyed,
Tuesdays child is full of pride,
Wednesdays child is fighting fit,
Thursdays child is full of ****,
Fridays child gets out of its brain,
Saturdays child goes to the pub again
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is nice and kind in an irritating way

# 33

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey,
Along came a geezer,
Who propositioned her
And horny Miss Muffet said ok

# 34

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her and doggie some bread
When she got there
The cupboard was bare
So she ate the doggie instead.

# 35

Two little dicky birds sitting on a wall,
One named Peter, one named Paul.
Fly away Peter, away said Paul,
Don’t come back, this is my wall!

# 36

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
And so to please the two of them
They eat vegetarian cuisine

# 37

As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives,
Seven wives now that’s really tough
I’ve got one and that’s enough

[Pendragon]

A little raw, but still tasty! :thumbs_up

[PrinceMyshkin]

Glorious fun!

[Buh4Bee]

Hysterical! write more, more!! please :p

[Biggus]

Thank you all very much