Falling Tears

[PheTalitha]

a tear drop
the size of a heart
appears
silently
in the corner
of her eye.

a red rose
covered coffin
stands ahead
surrounded
by the love
of family members
of friends.

a life time
of happiness
of joy
of adventures
over,
in a blink of an eye.

it was
her little sister
who lies
sealed inside
the wood
her little sister
to leave first

in the second row back
she watches
in silence
as the goodbyes
are said
as the good times
are remembered
as the bad times
were laughed away

two rows back
she slowly
starts to weep
and a tear drop
the size of a heart
appears
silently
in the corner
of her eye.


Hello, I'm very new here =] i signed up about ten mintues ago.
i would love some feed back.
phe

[PheTalitha]

Paint me a pretty rainbow;
colour it with reds,
Bring to me a dream to spin
with golden gilded threads.
Sing to me a song that flies,
And on my face puts a smile.
But when you're walking through my mind,
You always stay in there awhile.

Place upon my pillow
a rose that is baby pink
if you'll be so kind;
Leave behind a memory
impress it up on my mind,
When I watch that rose of baby pink
grow outside my window
and after removing the thorns;
that cutting upon my pillow.

Make the moon again to shine
and the stars to twinkle;
Whisper to me a word of happiness
that brings my eyes to sparkle
Come with me and dance once more;
a fast tango waltz.
Watch wildly as the clouds spin past
making their shapes form,
climb up to touch them
high up this one sailing mast

This sailing ship of love
has us marooned at sea
wild yet calm waves,
over take you and me.
Be careful not to jump overboard,
these currents await;
one helpless living soul.
a dreamer,
to smuggle up as bait.

Dreamt a dream of forests,
of colours in the wind.
Animals so particular;
im not sure if they exist.
Fading do colours start.
as my mind come a blank space,
not wanting this to end,
will I not give up the chase.
But in the end,
Im just a dreamer too,
not yet ready to awake.


....

Comments?

[Dark Muse]

I have not read Dreaming yet, but I thought Falling Tears was stunning and beautiful, very said and moving.

[Makai]

I too really liked Falling Tears, it flowed simply and beautifully. I liked how you brought the first stanza to the end of the poem also creating a finish with the beginning.


Honestly on your second poem Dreaming I think you should consider it a first draft and revise it. The focus is just not there perhaps because it is written in the flush of love?

I don't mean to be cruel at all and hope you don't take my comment as anything but trying to be constructive.

[qimissung]

I love your first poem, and the way you bring the end back to the beginning.

[lukelord]

Your poem has such a feel to it, i imagine every feature and then the one girl, sat there on her own, with the tear filling her eye, it goes into such detail with such little words