storm clouds

[Silas Thorne]

I probably should edit this more, but I wanted to send it now. Thanks for partial inspiration, Jon :)


I’m walking past the Physics Loading Bay
at university
waiting for the sky to burst
with that muck-daubed candy-floss vista of grey
eye-locked with the sun.

You frown, prince of darkening cloud
big feet bouncing on a wall of sound
Hey! big guy in the middle
I can’t see your fine fired friend.

One flash and a rumble, tumble
out with that dog/cat shower…

Then you’ll shake off, zip up, and piss off
leaving small Irishmen to guard their gold.

I really should get a jacket.

[jon1jt]

Just brilliant, Silas, what music!!! I'm hearing beat boppy jazz, I'm hearing fingers snapping in zoot suits---I'm seeing Marlon Brando On The WaterFront strolling with his sweetie, and I'm in some Bistro with wine glass reading your pome saying, "That was my heart." ;)

We got ourselves a new poet in the house folks and he came to write and he's not kidding.

[Silas Thorne]

Thanks for the praise Jon! I know I've still got a long way to go though before I can throw out the goodies and sparkles well. I'll just keep on the horse. I've never really read much modern poetry, so I'm not sure what's good.

And though you think it's good now, maybe tomorrow you'll see some big flaws. When you do, tell me. :)

[Silas Thorne]

better go for a while and do more proposal writing...

[jon1jt]

Thanks for the praise Jon! I know I've still got a long way to go though before I can throw out the goodies and sparkles well. I'll just keep on the horse. I've never really read much modern poetry, so I'm not sure what's good.

And though you think it's good now, maybe tomorrow you'll see some big flaws. When you do, tell me. :)

I think evaluating a poem a second, third or fourth time is a bad idea. If I like a poem today I'll like it the same or more before I die.

[Silas Thorne]

Well, then, thanks! :)
I'll, in the words of Bruce Lee, 'Walk on'.

[TheFifthElement]

This poem made me do this: :lol:

Love it: great rhythm and use of alliteration. Nice images here:


waiting for the sky to burst
with that muck-daubed candy-floss vista of grey
eye-locked with the sun.

and here:

Then you’ll shake off, zip up, and piss off
leaving small Irishmen to guard their gold.

cool poem Silas. Have you ever read any Simon Armitage? This reminded me of him.

[Silas Thorne]

Glad you enjoyed it.
No, I haven't read him. Haven't really read much modern poetry at all, as I said, just went with the rhythm and wordscape, then played about with it for a while. :)

[cogs]

you could even leave out the last line, and everything before 'waiting' at the first... the poem is really vivid... also, instead of 'leaving', perhaps you could point to yourself looking at the rainbow, then the perspective will change, as at the first and last.
i only critique your cleverness, because you said it may need editing... thank you

[Silas Thorne]

cogs: Thanks for your comments. I could change it, but I'm pained to take bits out, since I started to feel the poem earlier on, and I want to frame it. Also I don't need to make a rainbow explicit, that's why I made reference to small irishmen. I'll leave it as is for now. Please comment on my poems in future though. I'd like to hear your opinion. Thanks again. :)

Thanks Fifth. I'll check out Simon Armitage.

[qimissung]

I love the rhyme scheme, so very playful, and then the matter-of-fact ending.

[Delta40]

Love the muck-daubed candy floss vista of grey.