My first poem

[JacobF]

While this is the first poem I've ever written, be relentless with your critique. It does suck, but I know jack about poetry, and I'd like to learn. I've read some great poems on this board so I know there's some talent who could give me a hand.


choked and hammer-struck
my thoughts spill on the floor
a mess of bad and vile
blood stewing with brains

my corpse wades through the muck
down to the beach
a mecca of me,
where we all want to be,
playing checkers on turtles' backs

sun scorched and out of luck
the tick tock ticks twelve
we crack clocks over corpses,
the bruising and smacking and
fun

all dead and rooster clucks,
a new sun has risen
the tide extends its crippled hand
rakes us into the ocean
at last, freedom

[Silas Thorne]

While this is the first poem I've ever written, be relentless with your critique. It does suck, but I know jack about poetry, and I'd like to learn. I've read some great poems on this board so I know there's some talent who could give me a hand.

I know very little about poetry, I just feel it sometimes (at least I think it's poetry). But I'll try to help you since I saw your poem. And if your poetry neurons fired, it can't be all bad. :)

I like the last few lines


the tide extends its crippled hand
rakes us into the ocean
at last, freedom


But I think this poem could have been better, soundwise. And the logic is not consistent, in the sense of creating mental images that the reader can follow. In the second you are a corpse, and then in the third you are fighting corpses.And where did you wade from to the beach?

This is just my opinion, though I know very little about poetry technically. Read more and keep writing. Write all the time. Read aloud, your own writing and others. The poetry neurons fire, write stuff down, and then tame the words that came out, editing for sound and vision.

I get these sparkles and can't yet shape them into pretty baubles, but
I think you might be better at finishing than I am.

[JacobF]

I know very little about poetry, I just feel it sometimes (at least I think it's poetry). But I'll try to help you since I saw your poem. And if your poetry neurons fired, it can't be all bad. :)

I like the last few lines




But I think this poem could have been better, soundwise. And the logic is not consistent, in the sense of creating mental images that the reader can follow. In the second you are a corpse, and then in the third you are fighting corpses.And where did you wade from to the beach?

This is just my opinion, though I know very little about poetry technically. Read more and keep writing. Write all the time. Read aloud, your own writing and others. The poetry neurons fire, write stuff down, and then tame the words that came out, editing for sound and vision.

I get these sparkles and can't yet shape them into pretty baubles, but
I think you might be better at finishing than I am.

Thanks. I intended to communicate that I was a corpse, and when I went to the beach I met with all the other corpses. And we fought. But I definitely agree with you that the logic of the piece is flawed. I should have indicated where I came from, to set the scene more clearly. Looking at it now the stanzas are a bit awkward looking. I'll learn with experience I guess, like I do with prose.