After the first date

[Jocafer]

Delia,

Forgive me, ma cherie, for smearing the vanilla on your black dress. I did not mean to do it on purpose. By the way, satin fits you very well. It bears resemblance to your skin. The color, it compliments your lovely eyes. Oh, how lovely! They made me nervous, I wiped the vanilla a bit too vigorously because of them. I am deeply embarrassed by this, you must have remembered my face turning red as the sunset. No, the ice cream did not ruin your slender body, it did not ruin the rounded bends of your hair, it never will. I, the frail-minded human, was at wrong. But, please do not judge me by such accident. I was merely mesmerized by your gaze. It is very powerful, like a sunny day in the midst of the river Seine. My oh my! You are of a perfect race, I believe. It would be harder for me to believe that you are human rather than an angel sent from the heavens to give me the everlasting happiness I've long yearned for. And you did not scold me for smearing the vanilla. Such kindness, such grace! I'd exchange a thousand days to have one moment again with you. Can we do it again? By the bench near the emerald trees, by the garden with the flutterbys, I mean butterflies! Haha silly me...

No, no. That's not right...

...Delia--

creak

"Will you please shut up?!"

"Sorry 'bout that! Goodnight sir!"

[NickAdams]

:confused:

[Jocafer]

:confused:

oh man, i guess my story isn't that clear. darn

its about a boy thinking on what to write to Delia(a girl he's currently courting). i wrote it not in a dialogue because the boy supposedly "thinks", but does not realize he's making noise and disturbing the neighbor. its what love does to ya, hehe :D

[mosimo]

I think it might be made a little bit more clear if you added a bit of the scene after the long thought section. Show where the boy is sitting after he has been yelled at.

[Jocafer]

I think it might be made a little bit more clear if you added a bit of the scene after the long thought section. Show where the boy is sitting after he has been yelled at.

oh, its gonna be hard since the story is mainly just one big dialogue. hmm im trying to make a story solely by just that. also, im not sure what point of view to choose, hehe, but i do have an idea..

what if i change the "creak" part in the story into "door creaks open"? whattya think?

thx for commenting! :D

[edenjane]

How old is the character supposed to be? Because of the language he seemed older than a boy to me, unless maybe you're setting it in a past time period. I imagine it's hard to write a story as one big dialogue, but maybe to make it less confusing in the end it would help to have him say something to the effect of I'm sorry, I didn't realize I spoke aloud. or something. Overall I liked it.

[mosimo]

There are two main components that make up as narrative one Scene and two action. Dialogue is just one part of action and therefore I think it would be really difficult to actually produce a story using only Dialogue although it can be done just the dialogue will have to utilize all aspects of dialogue. Feel free to use descriptive words when portraying the dialogue to bring it to life. I think it would be a very interesting exercise to try it. There really is nothing really to lose but I can see you strongly improving your ability to write dialog any which way it turns out.

[1n50mn14]

;D I believe this could be quite the funny little bit, if you made more clear that he is thinking/writing to this girl. It was quite confusing.

[prendrelemick]

If you dont want to break the stream of consciousness ,he could discribe just what he is doing as part of the dialogue.
eg "Thats why I'm pacing the floor at 3 in the morning, no doubt annoying the neighbours", or something like that.
It would be a shame to change your original idea by adding an outside narrative voice.