Fragement

[Delta40]

Sweet anger alight here
drink this poison brew
'neath dry rot wood
paper bark stripp'd
back from branchly laden
knobbly notched and
burdensome gnarlings
wrapp'd round a razor spark

Roar billow high
Stab searing pain
in drippy rivulets of
debasey gutted felt
fronds of dark instinct
lurk in ash wood smoulder
amid acrid stink
oozing sap leaks

soothes

[Silas Thorne]

I'm not sure about this one. I love your stories, but ...

It seems to me like you are just playing on sounds. And because there are no pauses, apart from in the middle, and right at the end, it is rather hard to read aloud, a continuous stream of words with little rest, particularly as you hold each section together with prepositions.

This is just me though, and I could be completely wrong in my opinion. I'm reading it at midnight and am a little tired, so may be misinterpreting it. :)

[Delta40]

I am actually. I wrote this about midnight last night in bed when I was tired and just let my hand go. This is it. You don't have to be considerate Silas, it's ok. I'm searching and exploring. I'm a big gal - just don't call me names!

[Delta40]

Why don't you help me reshape/mould it in to something?

[Silas Thorne]

OK :) I'll be brutally honest then, but constructive. Good alliteration though!

[Silas Thorne]

Not now, must return to home and sleep. :) I'm time tomorrow, then I will do, yes. That sounds like Yoda or Miyagi speech. ...Otherwise I will try to sleep while I'm cycling, which I've almost done before.

[Delta40]

I'll look up the word alliteration. goodnight Silas

[cogs]

it's a small person from haiti

[Silas Thorne]

:lol: good one cogs

Did you find it, Delta?

There's alliteration in these lines too:

knobbly knees and clever kittens,
savage swords and silver scissors,
wicked witches and ragged rocks,
lovely locks and mocking mirrors.

Not a poem, yes, just words words words!

Consider sounds and not the letters,
don't rest with me, check with my betters!


Journalists like to make things memorable by using alliteration, manipulating our minds. Listen to the TV news and you'll hear a great deal of it. :)

[Delta40]

just got home from work will have a glass of red consider the post.

[Delta40]

'When I do count the clock that tells the time'.

Ok this is an example where alliteration reinforces consonantal sounds. Got that. please be patient here. i am so new to this. i can see the potential alliteration of which you speak but i am also trying to grasp the concept of cadence.

Do you think this poem in the rough has both qualities and can i build on them?

[Silas Thorne]

I'm not sure. There is definitely alliteration, I'm sure you can see that yourself. Were there any particular groups of words that jumped out at you in the poem, that you thought: these words are just great, I'm going to play with them? If there were, maybe you can use these and develop again from there.

Cadence, I looked around for a definition:


cadence [kay‐dĕns], the rising and falling rhythm of speech, especially that of the balanced phrases in free verse or in prose, as distinct from the stricter rhythms of verse metre. Also the fall or rise in pitch at the end of a phrase or sentence.

So 'Stop!, the man said.' could show cadence. At least this is my interpretation of it, anyway. 'Stop!' drops the voice, and so does 'said', at the end of the sentence.

You are probably already well-versed in balancing phrases in prose. Free verse I'm still getting used to, but I think you can learn cadence from reading poems aloud, but also by playing with words and reading them for impact.

Did you notice that in the example that you presented, there is a rhythm to the words if you read them aloud? There are five stressed syllables. This is the same beat as most of Shakespeare, and this quote probably is from Shakespeare. You probably know this though. This is the rhythm of a verse metre called Iambic Pentameter: di-dum di-dum di-dum di-dum di-dum basically. I don't mean that you should write your poetry like this at all though (unless you really want to, of course). I'm no expert, I'm just starting out really, but I do think though that you need to consider the rhythmic nature of speech more. I'm learning the terminology too, but I think the most important thing in writing poetry is to read a lot of poetry aloud, all sorts, from different periods, and write regularly.You will be influenced, and I think, there will be rhythms that come to you that just 'feel right'.

Also join in the cinquain games, the haiku games and others on this forum. I find it's good training to be aware of relative word syllable lengths, and I learn a lot from other poets with their own perspectives and personal styles. People will sometimes give you feedback. I think also that an awareness of syllable lengths (by ear) would elp with cadence too.

I'm a little tired and I'm not sure whether this helps you, or even that I am writing good advice. But this is what I think at the moment.

[Delta40]

Thanks Silas. i will take everything you said on board.