Untitled (yet)

[chuckles#2]

This is a poem I wrote on New Years at about 2am. I had just broken up in a big scene with my girlfriend in front of everyone at a party...so I wrote this. This is one of three poems I have ever written, and it's a work in progress so please be gentle.

The air is cool,
my head is light,
emotions pool
and disappear in the night.

My heart resurges
at Her presence so pall,
Her long glance purges
my soul to the wall.

My countenance poor
seems high in Her grace,
till she casts to the floor,
me, back in my place.

Thoughts?

[Silas Thorne]

....It rhymes. :) The last two lines are pretty good.

But I feel in making this poem rhyme you've lost your true emotions. Flipping the phrases around to force the rhyme, the lines become unnatural.

Don't worry though, you're just starting. :)

[aBIGsheep]

The last line in the first stanza is way too long to keep consistent with the rest of the poem.

[chuckles#2]

thanks for the advice! :)