Short Essay for College Admission

[Adolescent09]

Hey guys! I'm not sure if you folks remember me, but I just turned 18 on the 31st of December and I am filling out college applications galore. Here is an essay that I wrote rather quickly for an application to a local university. I hope you guys can people edit and revise it. Thanks a bunch:

Up until recently, I viewed the endeavors of humans as ultimately relevant if not entirely unalienable to the necessary existence of the universe or to the advancement of some greater initiative sought by a higher power. For me, Love, intermingling, hate and apathy were the basis of some larger and perpetually driven function that ensured the sustainability of a universal, and yet, undisclosed norm. Today, and after much subsequent effort to assess the relevance of our existence and the broader significance of life, I have, rather prematurely, arrived at the conclusion that our existence poses less of a benefit to planet Earth than to the aforementioned fruition of some higher power's goal. Our intoxication of the environment, our theologically fuelled warfare, our pride, our rapacity and our self deprecating tendency to seek vengeance not only far outweighs any good we are capable of, but necessarily clouds the reason behind our existence. One might argue that my pessimistic outlook of life is fortunately unshared by the majority of this world’s sane inhabitants, but then I would be left to retort that Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr. and Leo Tolstoy all at one point in their lives believed that earth is a coincidence and that our world is much less a stage for actors and actresses with their entrances and exits than an irrefutable fact that requires neither proof nor validation. Nary a day passes by where I do not purse my lips, furrow my eyebrows and indulge in that noisome activity that is finger tapping on the surface of a table. I realize that I seek answers that have been sought, I have sought faith but met with questions and have enlisted in that pursuit of truth, which only results in a recurring sense of disappointment.

[IsHamletaCoward]

The whole thing is really hard to read. It has unecessary words, not sure it seems you have used the theasures? The whole thing seems unnatural, had to take a good amount of deeps breaths to read it all. Try making it simple and pleaseant to read.

[mystery_spell]

College essays should typically be easy to read, not so formal with words that you cannot use naturally. Remember not to try too hard. It's more of a short story or a memoir about yourself rather than an essay. Use words that you are familiar with and comfortable with because the college essays should be more casual.

[DickZ]

Happy Birthday, Adolescent09.

You might try re-writing this in plain language without trying to be so flowery. You're trying way too hard to be way too fancy here, as others have already noted.

[sytalls]

Good luck with your application, Adolescent.

I agree with others here. Your writing is getting in the way of whatever it is you're trying to say. I would also add that you might want to include something about your views on how you hope to contribute to society and to solving the woes of the world.

[[D]]

Yes--I've filled out my college applications just earlier this year so i can relate heavily to what you are going through and trying to accomplish. Here, what you've written it definitely too much and what i mean by that is college application essays should be brief and to the point. Put yourself in the admission staff's shoes. If they were to read your essay like we have done here they may be stumped by the word choice and the complexity of what you have written. Don't get me wrong it is greatly written but for application essay this is was to complex. My only tip is to revise it and try to make it a bit simpler. Wait til you get into college and then you can show some more creativity :p

[Silas Thorne]

I would also add that you might want to include something about your views on how you hope to contribute to society and to solving the woes of the world.

This seems funny to me. :lol: Do you really have to write stuff like this to get to university? It would be pretty much all substanceless verbiage then, wouldn't it? Or are you tested to see if you mean all that you've written?


The original posting is a joke, right?

[shortstoryfan]

This takes me back to the days when I thought getting into college was a big deal and I was scared to death.

[sytalls]

:D Some universities like this sort of thing, Silas. I didn't have to do it, but I know people who did. Admissions boards are looking for hints about a student's character or communication skills and use this for the weeding-out process when grades, test scores and such are similar.

[Silas Thorne]

:) OK, seems reasonable, as long as people don't get too carried away with their essays.

[Adolescent09]

Thanks for the replies guys. I'm not used to writing essays and frankly I'm not a fan of writing essays at all. I was never good at it, I guess I'm more into math. I know that writing is a reflection of what you read and I'm currently reading the Federalist Papers, so a lot of that farfetched high falutin prose might have escaped into my fingertips when I typed that essay. I do take minor offense to someone saying that this was a joke because there are many kids my age who apply to universities/colleges and don't give half a crap. I tried... the essay makes sense to me because it blueprints the emotions I felt when I wrote it. But I can see it makes very little sense to everyone else and so I'll modify it. Thanks again everyone.

[Adolescent09]

I wasn't trying to be wordy or "high brow" by the way. I've just had a nasty habit of writing like this since the 5th grade. But thank God my career isn't geared towards writing because for some bizarre reason I have always found it very difficult to write in simple terms.

[DickZ]

Yes, lots of people try to use flowery language when writing - language that they wouldn't think of using when talking. It always stands out, so I don't know why they do it. It just doesn't sound natural.

[prendrelemick]

Thanks for the replies guys. I'm not used to writing essays and frankly I'm not a fan of writing essays at all. I was never good at it, I guess I'm more into math. I know that writing is a reflection of what you read and I'm currently reading the Federalist Papers, so a lot of that farfetched high falutin prose might have escaped into my fingertips when I typed that essay. I do take minor offense to someone saying that this was a joke because there are many kids my age who apply to universities/colleges and don't give half a crap. I tried... the essay makes sense to me because it blueprints the emotions I felt when I wrote it. But I can see it makes very little sense to everyone else and so I'll modify it. Thanks again everyone.

Use this, Its loads better!

[Adolescent09]

Yes, lots of people try to use flowery language when writing - language that they wouldn't think of using when talking. It always stands out, so I don't know why they do it. It just doesn't sound natural.

Well the thing is I want to make my writing stand out in some way, but my life is so mundane I know I can't write a strong essay based on it. So I resort to abstract thoughts that pass my mind and I try to transcribe them as sophisticatedly as possible. I guess I overdid it, but its too late now.