Cycles of depression.

[Infinitefox]

Does anyone here ever go through cycles of deep depression? For me I'm usually content for a couple months, then depressed for several days, to the point of suicidal thoughts, then I go back to being content. Does anyone here ever have things like this happen?

[JacobF]

I have a problem with getting nervous, like before a big test or audition or something, and this makes me depressed sometimes. I compulsively tell myself that I'll fail for some reason. But when said test is over I am fine, even if I did poorly on it. Not sure if that qualifies as depression. I do occasionally feel depressed for no reason. I just wake up and the whole day I feel sad about nothing. I actually questioned if I was medically depressed once, but I did some research on it and looking at the symptoms I came to the conclusion that I definitely wasn't.

[Jozanny]

Infinite:

I am in that nice categorical bracket of being clinically depressed; my episodes first manifested, in terms of evidence, during university, but I did not seek treatment until my last year of school, and the woman I saw for counseling was the best therapist I ever had, before or since, but I was healthier then. In 2k, I had what they now call *a major depressive episode* involving an ex-boss I trusted, and the collapse of my economic self-determination. This still influences me, although I do not think as strongly as it once did. I tried anti-depressants, and they were good for episodic anxiety, but did not cure me.

I've had arguments in other groups about how curable it is, and I guess it depends how deep the chemical imbalance, as I will now never be entirely emotionally healthy, but the younger you are, your chances are probably better for remission with the right treatment process, but treatments only seem to consistently work for 2/3'rds with a clincal diagnosis, and that 1/3 who do not improve is still a big slice of pie.

The only reason LitNet hasn't seen me at my worst is because I have burned a lot of community bridges before I learned to stop being nasty :), and I am honestly too tired to invest in having fights, but my mood instability intensifies during PMS. I don't know if you should explore treatment--but those treatments work better at your age than mine, so maybe it would not hurt exploring the issue for yourself.

[andave_ya]

heh, not to the extent of suicidal thoughts...but...it happens monthly...:s...specially me being of the female persuasion...

[Infinitefox]

Infinite:

I am in that nice categorical bracket of being clincally depressed; my episodes first manifested, in terms of evidence, during university, but I did not seek treatment until my last year of school, and the woman I saw for counseling was the best therapist I ever had, before or since, but I was healthier then. In 2k, I had what they now call *a major depressive episode* involving an ex-boss I trusted, and the collapse of my economic self-determination. This still influences me, although I do not think as strongly as it once did. I tried anti-depressants, and they were good for episodic anxiety, but did not cure me.

I've had arguments in other groups about how curable it is, and I guess it depends how deep the chemical imbalance, as I will now never be entirely emotionally healthy, but the younger you are, your chances are probably better for remission with the right treatment process, but treatments only seem to consistently work for 2/3'rds with a clincal diagnosis, and that 1/3 who do not improve is still a big slice of pie.

The only reason LitNet hasn't seen me at my worst is because I have burned a lot of community bridges before I learned to stop being nasty :), and I am honestly too tired to invest in having fights, but my mood instability intensifies during PMS. I don't know if you should explore treatment--but those treatments work better at your age than mine, so maybe it would not hurt exploring the issue for yourself.


I am exploring treatment, in a way. Funny how it worked out. I went to a psychiatrist for OCD, which I believed I had and was diagnosed with. So he prescribed Paxil. Paxil is an anti-depressant, but it has come to light that it helps with OCD. I didn't ask to be put on Paxil. It was his idea. If I wasn't so un-happy, I would be off the pills, but I continue to take them because I am.

I fear for what'll happen if I stop taking them. I don't know how well they help me. I don't ever want to know how much they help me, because I see myself staying on them indefinitely. I'm afraid if I'm off them, I'll suffer a severe mental breakdown and likely commit suicide.

My parents and psychiatrist have no idea that I feel this way. I don't want to tell them, because it'll just make things worse.

[librarius_qui]

I'm a religious guy, which helps in the suicidal matters, but doesn't in other aspects of depression.

I treat it clinically, and I understand it as something necessary to be done. Maybe you don't/won't need medicines, but you might try begin with some sort of psychoanalisis, it may be enough for you to deal with your mind, and turn your thoughts to help you instead of destroy you, as well as to learn how to defend yourself from thoughts that make you tend to destroy yourself.

To find purpose(s) and joys in life is as well recommended. A hobby, sports ... "Mens sana in corpore sano" said a Roman philosopher ... The mind will be well when the the body is well. And, maybe (I don't know your case), some sort of faith. Even if in yourself, as atheists like to claim, and it's enough for them to endure and even enjoy life and living.

Among other things.

We could talk privately, if you think I could be of any help. Pass by my profile, or even send a pm, if you'd like to. If I can, I'll help gladly.


Libri~

[Jozanny]

I am exploring treatment, in a way. Funny how it worked out. I went to a psychiatrist for OCD, which I believed I had and was diagnosed with. So he prescribed Paxil. Paxil is an anti-depressant, but it has come to light that it helps with OCD. I didn't ask to be put on Paxil. It was his idea. If I wasn't so un-happy, I would be off the pills, but I continue to take them because I am.

I fear for what'll happen if I stop taking them. I don't know how well they help me. I don't ever want to know how much they help me, because I see myself staying on them indefinitely. I'm afraid if I'm off them, I'll suffer a severe mental breakdown and likely commit suicide.

My parents and psychiatrist have no idea that I feel this way. I don't want to tell them, because it'll just make things worse.

Look, I am just a writer with cerebral palsy, but I suggest honesty with your therapist. When my ex-supervisor did her number on me, I did not tell the intake therapist everything about how badly I lashed out at this woman, and how embarrassed I was at my own behavior, and nine years later I am still squirming, because if I hire a lawyer (it is a long story and a lawyer would help with other things more recent with my beloved ex-employer) I am going to have to let that representative know that I was not a paragon of virtue in my behavior.

If you do not like this psychiatrist, get another, but don't conceal your pain.

[librarius_qui]

I am exploring treatment, in a way. Funny how it worked out. I went to a psychiatrist for OCD, which I believed I had and was diagnosed with. So he prescribed Paxil. Paxil is an anti-depressant, but it has come to light that it helps with OCD. I didn't ask to be put on Paxil. It was his idea. If I wasn't so un-happy, I would be off the pills, but I continue to take them because I am.

I fear for what'll happen if I stop taking them. I don't know how well they help me. I don't ever want to know how much they help me, because I see myself staying on them indefinitely. I'm afraid if I'm off them, I'll suffer a severe mental breakdown and likely commit suicide.

My parents and psychiatrist have no idea that I feel this way. I don't want to tell them, because it'll just make things worse.


There has to be some therapist to whom you will have to begin speaking about these things. We can't help you as effectively as a person near you, whose job is to do it.

It isn't easy to put yourself with difficult issues in the therapy, but you have to face yourself, and your fears, and find ways for you to deal with them. Noone can help you but yourself, and you have the tools, now you have to use them.

Use your therapy.

For me, there are two different and separate things: the doctor (psychiatrist) and the therapist. I hope I can get rid of the doctor (medicines), but I hope I can ever count with a therapist, because therapy helps to think, and bring out things I would never by myself, even writing, talking with friends, or praying to my god. Each thing has its value, including the therapist. (Including the doctor, for the moment, and ... well, who knows for how long? ...)

[Delta40]

www.takethislife.com

This is a cool forum. My daughter led me there. It's the same forum format as Lit Net. I got some real support and helpful information from other people who experience depression. The are a variety of sub-forums which you can post in and you are free to come and go as you please. It's very good in terms of getting validation and support in a non-judgmental environment.

[Jozanny]

Thanks Delta. The weather is bad, and it may take me four months or more to get a new power chair, and my landlord is renovating. Dan Gotlieb says online sites do not work for people really in trouble, but aging has stabilized me except for certain anxiety cycles, and since my mobility issues are prevalent, a support site could be at least useful during those cycles.

[Delta40]

I noticed its offline at the moment due to a server issue. I don't know who Dan Gotlieb is so I have the luxury of ignorance! My daughter is a cutter and I sought help on this site. I received responses from a wide range of people which helped my perspective on the matter and I believe I manage the issue alot better as a result.

[Jozanny]

I noticed its offline at the moment due to a server issue. I don't know who Dan Gotlieb is so I have the luxury of ignorance! My daughter is a cutter and I sought help on this site. I received responses from a wide range of people which helped my perspective on the matter and I believe I manage the issue alot better as a result.

Here you go. (http://www.drdangottlieb.com/) He gets on my nerves, but he is not afraid to discuss the dynamics of disability and mental health on his program, and he be a much more positive quadriplegic than yours truly.

He covers a ton of things, I mean stuff that is really difficult to discuss with sensitivity and lack of shame, and at times his audience makes me seem downright neurotic and normal. Don't know how accessible he is in email, as he is getting on and has some blood pressure issues, but I can guarantee you that if he has a program about cutting, he'll talk with you and treat the issue with dignity, if you can get through when it airs. I am not sure how much individual counseling he still does.

[Virgil]

Does anyone here ever go through cycles of deep depression? For me I'm usually content for a couple months, then depressed for several days, to the point of suicidal thoughts, then I go back to being content. Does anyone here ever have things like this happen?

Infinite you've got to get to a doctor. You are having some medical issues. Depression is a mental illness. The operative word being illness.

[Jozanny]

Infinite you've got to get to a doctor. You are having some medical issues. Depression is a mental illness. The operative word being illness.

Virgil, the issue seems to be how effectively Infinite is using his or her current psychiatrist, and I think some of us in the know tried to offer some advice on that, but it is up to Infinite not to feel shame and to use the tools available. Scroll up and read again dear.

[Virgil]

Virgil, the issue seems to be how effectively Infinite is using his or her current psychiatrist, and I think some of us in the know tried to offer some advice on that, but it is up to Infinite not to feel shame and to use the tools available. Scroll up and read again dear.

Oh you are quite right. I did not read the subsequent posts.

Sorry Infinte. I hope you can get better treatment.

[Delta40]

I don't usually consider suicide. I do experience cycles of depression. At my lowest, my existence becomes invalid and death would be inconsequential. I have not explored ways to end my own life though. I am swallowed by some terrible monster and cease to function at a normal level. I step out of my own body and become part of the audience and am completely and utterly indifferent to the empty shell that I'm watching. Usually, I take to my bed, stop all the stuff that I can and move into autopilot mode. I simply watch myself slowly being digested in the guts of the monster which swallowed me. I'm not sure if this helps you in any way other than to tell you that you're not alone in that cycle. I have an undeniable desire for life to be taken from me because I find it so hard to hold on but in all honesty, I am not prepared to engineer this myself.

[Jozanny]

What Delta says Infinite. Exactly why I brought up painful things that I no longer wish to post or talk about. You are not alone in these experiences in your head. Pain may make you feel different. My disease makes me feel different, and it is sometimes easy to forget that there is a community of shared experience out there for nearly everyone's issue. If it helped you to respond to my post, look at that as a positive step. You reached out, yes?

I will be glad to keep interacting with you, but I am only a lay professional. I worked at the Matrix Research Institute for three years and case managed people much like you and I. (They are not the ex-employer previously mentioned.)

I should amend that to say was a lay professional. I have been out of MH for awhile, even if the old hat still fits.

[Thespian1975]

I am just getting over depression. It was caused by stress and during the summer it was bad. Anti depressants and councilling helped and the support of family and friends helped more.

Depression is an illness as Virgil pointed out. It is the most awful thing I have ever experinced.

Everyone gets "depressed" but Clinical Depression is defined by having serious depressive mood lasting more than two weeks. Even then there are grades of clinical drepression. I was moderate and that was bad enough.

For anyone going through depression out there, my advice would be to TALK ABOUT IT.

A friend, family. even complete strangers but don't hide it away.

A good website is DepressionTribe.com. Lots of helpful people going through depression. Sort of an online blog and chat room.

[Infinitefox]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. My problem isn't just that I'm depressed and can't enjoy life, it's also that even when things are going good, I think negatively and about suicide. Last year I broke out of my shell and started to try and meet people. I asked five girls out. This was my first time ever asking a girl out. Three said yes, but that doesn't make me happy, even in my happy moods. I just think, "So what?", even though it's a huge step.

Also, there's no telling how my parents will react. At best, they will have me go to a therapist, but I don't want that, because my view on life isn't something I believe they can help me with. Plus they tend to cost a lot of money and we don't have that.

I posted on here because I have no on else to talk to. I'm not close with my family. My brothers would just laugh at me and not take me seriously, and even if they did, they'd just tell me to "get over it". I have a lot of people at work I could talk to that I get along really well with, but i don't trust any of them. Plus, telling someone something personal at work is never a good idea, because they can tell someone else there and then boom, everyone knows.

[Delta40]

Infinitefox alot of people have views about therapy as well as views about how to manage their mental health when they are depressed. I can't tell you how to do that. I can suggest if you're not well, you may not be making the best decisions. Examples of this is include rationalising why you shouldn't seek medical help. Inability to trust others and a fear of exposure. Is it possible that these factors are linked to your condition and are not a result of a balanced judgment which you have made?

You need to be talking.

[librarius_qui]

www.takethislife.com

This is a cool forum. My daughter led me there. It's the same forum format as Lit Net. I got some real support and helpful information from other people who experience depression. The are a variety of sub-forums which you can post in and you are free to come and go as you please. It's very good in terms of getting validation and support in a non-judgmental environment.

Hey ... thanks for that! :) I'll take a look! ...



Thanks for the replies, everyone. My problem isn't just that I'm depressed and can't enjoy life, it's also that even when things are going good, I think negatively and about suicide. Last year I broke out of my shell and started to try and meet people. I asked five girls out. This was my first time ever asking a girl out. Three said yes, but that doesn't make me happy, even in my happy moods. I just think, "So what?", even though it's a huge step.

Also, there's no telling how my parents will react. At best, they will have me go to a therapist, but I don't want that, because my view on life isn't something I believe they can help me with. Plus they tend to cost a lot of money and we don't have that.

I posted on here because I have no on else to talk to. I'm not close with my family. My brothers would just laugh at me and not take me seriously, and even if they did, they'd just tell me to "get over it". I have a lot of people at work I could talk to that I get along really well with, but i don't trust any of them. Plus, telling someone something personal at work is never a good idea, because they can tell someone else there and then boom, everyone knows.

Girls don't solve a person's inner problems, all right.

When I searched help (I needed, not because of depression, but because of other clinical problems ... I don't know how it's called in English, but I understand it as both anxiety and depression together, in a sort of critical and unpredictable moment (...), my parents didn't understand that I was ill, and I had to search for treatment myself. (I'm thirty, it was about five years ago. Seven, actually ... end of 2002.) My father had his depression. After I began my treatment, as he saw it worked out with me, he began his treatment, with a therapist. (In his case, he doesn't need a psychiatrist.)

I don't have brothers, but I can understand or imagine that your brothers' reactions might be like this all right. Family may not understand exactly what's going on.

Even so ... I agree with Delta: you should talk with somebody. Well, you're beginning, here. Now, try to make it go to a next step.

I don't know why a therapist could be of any problem, in any sort of view of life ... I'm ... what some people would call "a kind of a religious guy" (follower of the christ), and my god helped me to understand and accept treatment as a holy thing, because I simply need it.

Some people are ashamed ...

Some people are worried about the money. I began treating in a public (in Brasil, it means free) service. I'm sure that you will find voluntary therapists, and ways to make treatment without spending a single penny, or, paying what you can, even without your parents coming to know about it, if you don't want to, right now.

It isn't good to walk with suicidal thoughts in mind and let treatment aside ... It's very important that you fight to win whatever may be blocking you from seeking for the professional support you need.

If you'd like to talk about in private, you can send me a pm, I can answer with pm, with no problem.

It's very important that you search for clinical support, either a therapist or using your treatment better, as I said. Doctors don't help me as much as therapists. The doctors I had, until now, only give me medicines (and seem to care about nothing else but doing it). My therapist helps more continually. I went sometimes in an emergency service, then the doctors helped me. One of the last times, the doctor said me exaclty this: "you don't seem to be using the time you spend with your therapist to help yourself". And, well therapy is only or even mainly -- at the worst delirium -- about helping myself!, so, I kind of started a new phasis, then.

This is me.

If I can help, let me know, but, well, I'm not professional in this at any rate. So, my better advise would be for you to search for someone else to talk about it. And preferably a friend, or anyone you can trust enough. Very important: not a girl with whom you go out ... Unless you feel like you have no choice.

It's a good thing to talk about it with someone.

So, try to search who are the people around you whom you can trust, at least a bit. And, together with this, make efforts to solve whatever the problem may be that makes you not to search for a therapist, or any other sort of treatment and/or clinical help.

Mainly this ...

You are definitely not alone in this.

Thanks for trusting us, by the way ...


Libri~

[Jozanny]

Infinite:

This is stretching a bit beyond my level of ability to assist you, but suicidal ideation which maintains itself as a constant is really not very good. This is just a posting board, but you might want to think about doing voluntary emergency intake.

I am done talking about me, because my adjustment disorder is fairly mild in comparison. I think you should check yourself in, and try to save your life. Paxil may not be the right medication, and the doctors may have to try other things. I have been in the trenches, and my heart goes out to you, but please, take my advice and do a walk in, get admitted.

My advice and urging end with this post.

[Delta40]

Make contact with someone Infinite.

((((hugs)))) to everyone for their support

[Jozanny]

At their best, psychiatrists are agnostic on the true nature and causes of mental illness. They are trained to think about their patients heuristically, along three dimensions: the biological, the psychological, and the social. At points during its history, psychiatry has been dominated by biological conceptions of mental illness; in other periods, psychology has reigned; and at still other times, social determinants have taken precedence. After the long postwar hegemony of psychoanalysis, the past 25 years in American psychiatry have witnessed a so-called biological revolution. This revolution, like so many others, took a tyrannical turn with the professional, cultural, and commercial triumph of serotonergic antidepressants. Prozac leached the psychology out of psychiatry, as psychiatric residencies taught psychotherapy less and pharmacology more, to the point where many programs stopped altogether training future psychiatrists in psychotherapy. Although the advent of the new medications was a great benefit to psychiatrist and patient alike, the loss of psychological modes of thinking within the profession has impoverished the skill of practitioners and the treatment of patients by psychiatrists. Although she doesn't tell us much about her decade of treatment prior to undertaking the research for Voluntary Madness, I wonder whether Vincent and perhaps her psychiatrist were not themselves casualties of this biological revolution with its almost exclusive focus on symptoms, diagnosis, and pharmacology. Only in the New Age Sanctum does Vincent encounter therapists who show any interest in addressing deeper emotional matters. Perhaps the failure of contemporary psychiatry to take emotional life seriously accounts for the current proliferation of alternative treatments.

http://www.slate.com/id/2208010/pagenum/2

[Zee.]

I'm born on the cusp, meaning i have two star signs,

and i really think that has something to do with my split personality, i swear i have..

[Delta40]

You don't think it has anything to do with your unique self?

[Niamh]

I have suffered from depression on and off for at least ten years.
Try plan something like a trip for a few months away that you know will happen, and kepp looking forward to it. I have found doing things like this give me a boost and when the excitement starts, so do the smiles and i start feeling happy.

[Bakiryu]

I have Ultradian-cycling bipolar disorder. I can go from extreme happiness to dead thoughts and back again more than once per hour in a normal day. I think about suicide daily and have my own rhythms too. Once in a while it slows down and I'm left with weeks of suicidal thoughts or weeks of sleepless creativity (and mild paranoia).

I can't really offer any advice, I'm still searching for something myself. It helps to connect with many people, so you think of them whenever the urge to kill yourself hits or make yourself ultra-busy. Workaholism is great to drive most thoughts away.

[Zee.]

You don't think it has anything to do with your unique self?

But everyone is unique, and they're not all born on the cusp

[kandaurov]

Sure, I've thought about suicide as well, but I could never do that, no matter how bad my life may be - I could never do such a thing to my parents and my sister. Even though I probably never told them, they are the reason why I'm doing OK in life so far. I know it's something that escapes rationalisation, but when such crises come try and think of your loved ones, your family and friends. Would you ever deliberately hurt them so? You know you wouldn't.

I'm pleased that you're seeking help, though I lament that your case is such that it had to come to that. The other posters' advice of just talking about it with someone is the best one I can think of. The also already suggested change of scenery, if only for two days, has a great success rate. Hard to suggest anything which is more likely to have an impact on you because I don't know your case.

If you want to talk about your problems more specifically, either in a thread such as this or privately with a member of LitNet you particularly trust, you will see the stuff this forum is made of: selfless, affectionate, insightful people who are always willing, as you surely have realised by the sheer amount of thorough replies to your thread, to lend a helping hand, should they in any way be able to. Do take advantage of this forum - I don't know many places as life-redeeming as this.

[Infinitefox]

Sure, I've thought about suicide as well, but I could never do that, no matter how bad my life may be - I could never do such a thing to my parents and my sister. Even though I probably never told them, they are the reason why I'm doing OK in life so far. I know it's something that escapes rationalisation, but when such crises come try and think of your loved ones, your family and friends. Would you ever deliberately hurt them so? You know you wouldn't.

I'm pleased that you're seeking help, though I lament that your case is such that it had to come to that. The other posters' advice of just talking about it with someone is the best one I can think of. The also already suggested change of scenery, if only for two days, has a great success rate. Hard to suggest anything which is more likely to have an impact on you because I don't know your case.

If you want to talk about your problems more specifically, either in a thread such as this or privately with a member of LitNet you particularly trust, you will see the stuff this forum is made of: selfless, affectionate, insightful people who are always willing, as you surely have realised by the sheer amount of thorough replies to your thread, to lend a helping hand, should they in any way be able to. Do take advantage of this forum - I don't know many places as life-redeeming as this.

The main reason I wouldn't do it is because I don't want to hurt other people. I honestly do not have a great feeling of self-worth. I know suicide at sixteen years old is a very stupid thing to do, because things could get better. I've made progress since I've first thought I was depressed, which is good, but I still feel as if my life is the same as years ago.

I was surprised to see so many replies and at the care I received. I wasn't expecting all that, so, thanks to you and to everyone for the posts and assistance.

[Delta40]

i've been having a discussion in another thread about self-esteem and depression. i have a friend who has depressive episodes. She believes one can't have a good sense of self-esteem and have depression. i'm feeling like i'm on a downhill slide myself and i recognize the signs. lethargy, withdrawal from social life. blah blah blah. i love myself. my self-worth is quite good now and my inner voice doesn't tell me i'm nothing but a useless ****. it wasn' always like that and i believe we are all a work in progress. i fully trust in myself and know that i can rely on me. i have depressive episodes where i don't want to carry on participating in this life. when i'm told that low-SE is the order of the day to qualify for depression, i get angry. depression is something which is not in your control and it isn't limited to one behavioural type. SE is something you can control - and change so you have a better sense of self-worth. it doesn't exempt you from illness like a magic vaccination. it's like saying to someone because of their personality traits, the symptoms they are displaying cannot be the flu. Anyway, this is my 'rant'

i'm so glad you feel supported. ((((hug))))