hai its my first time riting a poem :] please read!

[aBIGsheep]

No-mama Mary
wasting in bed
sleeping so silent
eyes still in her head

Only-me-Mary
creature caught unaware
teeth broken and scattered
parents? worried, no, scared!

Maybe-my-Mary
unwilling and tied
I left the mouth open
so the draft crept inside

Sick-somber Mary
her fingers turned blue
crying cold Mary
an inhumane hue

Lonely lead Mary
cold and alone
froze tonight
froze all alone

[Silas Thorne]

:)
What a truly disturbing poem! Delicious! I like it. It reminds me of those delightful Saw movies.


However, some lines do not flow well...
'finger turned blue' and 'became an inhumane hue' are four and eight syllables respectively, and don't seem to fit together. And one finger? not her fingers? 'mattress, chained and tied' works rhyming with 'inside' but it is awkward with the object first here.

It might be a good idea to cut the lines shorter and it could make a lovely nursery rhyme. I think they could all be five syllables, rhyming, and it would bounce.

[Dark Muse]

I throughly enjoyed this moive. It was quite yummy, so wonderfully dark and gothic. I could see Mary as Tim Burton Creation. Or something done by Edward Gorey. It is like a macabre nursery rhyme. Delightful!

[aBIGsheep]

Thanks! It's a shame that I just finished editing it.

It reminded me a little of Burton as well. That short story book of his is so macabre and playful. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.

[aBIGsheep]

And I just updated it again. It's MUCH better.

[Delta40]

Thanks Big Sheep. I am no critic at all on poetry but as a lay person everyday reader, my spine tingled.

[Silas Thorne]

Yes, it is much better :)

Is the last stanza lead , as in loneliness led her? Or is she as heavy as lead/ stone-cold-dead?

[aBIGsheep]

Both.

[aBIGsheep]

upddatteddd