Death

[shortstoryfan]

Space filled by a body
worthless and wearied
from its life now ending.
It lies under thin sheets,
its skin a cover replicating
a cover.
It cannot move or speak in this coma.
Near the end,
when the last son has come
to say his final words of love
his eyes flicker
the lips moving
over and over
trying to speak
the end words
which must be
said.

“I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
I love you…”
Again and again and again.

We have risen already,
us three, the able bodied ones,
who loved this man
so much and saw him from
different perspectives.
We, three generations,
are standing there
when the eyes become clear,
full of life again,
as the most serene smile
comes across that old man’s face.
And now, I am sure there is a God.

[Scarlett Moon]

Wow. That was a beautiful poem. Didn't think anything was wrong with it and the ending was well done. The last line really stuck along with the first one. It caught my attention and I was like 'wow I wonder what this poem is about'. Nice job. :)

[duskmuse]

Hello
I loved your poem. It is one that really sticks with you after reading especially the last line. That was the best part. The middle stanza was wonderful with the repetion. One can really feel the emotion.
Thanks for sharing and good luck with writing
-Dusk Muse

[Delta40]

Very touching and moving. My father is dying. It strikes a real chord atm. I love the ancestral roots referral about perspective and generations.

Sensitive, unhindered and honest.

[Makai]

"when the eyes become clear,
full of life again,
as the most serene smile
comes across that old man’s face.
And now, I am sure there is a God."

This was most powerful. Thank you for writing this.

[LostPrincess13]

Beautiful. Simply beautiful. Rendered me speechless with such strong emotion.
BRAVO!:D

[shortstoryfan]

Thanks for all the nice comments.

Don't you think this is kind of cliche and very expected, though? I feel that it is kind of meritless because it doesn't really give any new perspective to anything. Maybe it is too emotion driven to be an actually good poem. I think I write my best when I can kind of step back and think about things, which wasn't being done here. I feel this is a problem in a lot of my poems. They are just so...I don't know. Pedestrian? Yeah, that's probably a good word. But then I read things that are so out there, I don't even know what's being talked about. I don't know...I'm frustrated and need some help and guidance.

[cogs]

i think it's great, and perhaps you're feeling that you didn't say anything new? but i just notice that you might say more with less words. the subject and word pictures are what people relate to, even though it's not that interesting to you. yes, i think poetry's a word painting.