Fireplace

[kandaurov]

Must be a breach of some forum unwritten rule, coming here just like that and waste 50 seconds of your time with poetry written in a naïve style. I guess I'm sorry. Just felt like sharing this one, a fresh one too. Not sure about (January, and the situation in the Gaza Strip, but mostly about) the brackets.


Do eyelids get sunburnt?
Mine are hot. They sear
and itch.

Feels so warm and nice
Like water falling, quite
upside down, though.
Warm water it is,
Blackening water,
Water of blue, and yellow and
red.
Not quite water, no.

From what spring does it
flow, I wonder?
A carrousel.
Yes, like a carrousel it is,
(do you remember?)
but different every time.

Like a vampire, maybe.
Wrapped in silk (and air),
feeding on (air, and) wood.
A reckless, oblivious little vampire.
Yes, a vampire, quite.

It looks so young, and bold, and full of vigour.
It doesn't grow old
but it dies.
Out.
Yes, in the end it dies,
it does. But what a life!
(What life?)
What a life, indeed.

The knuckles can be soothing
if they are used gently
(rub rub rub)
but eventually I won't need
them, it will grow cold,
and so will my eyes.

[blp]

Good. Dreamy and strange. Not naive. I don't see the need for '(rub, rub, rub)', which breaks the trancelike mood. Other than that, the first half is less strong than the second, where you start talking about vampires. I love the first line and then don't quite know what to do with the banalities that follow it ('Mine are hot... feels so warm and nice...') The second of these almost seems necessary. For some reason I don't like 'From what spring does it flow, I wonder?'

[kandaurov]

What you call banal I call naïve! The first three lines are important, but indeed, 'feels so warm and nice' is too bad. The vampire image is a set up to the more morbid undertones in the second part. Also childish, granted. This was conceived as being a mild stream of consciousness of a young man in an asylum's livingroom's fireplace. The line 'From what sping does it flow, I wonder' is meant to rhyme with both "no" and "remember", figured a bit o' rhyme would do cohesion some good, but might consider reworking that stanza (the only one inserted after I wrote it). Thanks for the thorough input, I've been reading other poetry posts and you seem to be a vital member of this part of the forum, keep it up.